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Self-love

self photo90x90You are welcome here, and I hope you will feel nurtured here. I am so happy that you found me! I started this website with the intention of helping others through sharing my experiences of healing from depression. After suffering for many years, and trying many traditional methods of healing, I learned that in order to heal, I must love and accept myself. I write about my journey through depression using tools that have helped me learn self-love.

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Acceptance,shedding the old,and lessons from a lizard!

Awareness, Healing & personal growth - No Comments » - Posted on February, 7 at 9:32 pm

According to the growth charts……

Stay with me here, this isn’t completely about my new pet. So I have a new pet lizard…a bearded dragon to be exact. My son bought her from a breeder and took such great care of her. For some strange reason she hasn’t grown much since we’ve had her. According to the growth charts she should be at least double her size by now. My son was very disappointed, as he wanted a “normal” bearded” dragon. He said he would like to return the dragon to the breeder and get one that is older and bigger, already growing normally. I have never considered myself a reptile kind of girl! I thought that we would just return the little creature, and then find another one for my son. Somewhere along the line I became a wee bit attached to the little critter. Maybe because I helped my son with ideas to get the little one to eat, changing the lighting….trying to get her to grow. Hmmm…..so I started dragging my feet on returning her to the breeder. Let’s just try one more thing….etc. etc.

Can I return her?

The day we were supposed to return her I felt really agitated and “off”. There was something pulling me to keep her. I went over and over it in my head…why in the world would I want to have a lizard? It must be because I just want to make her well, etc etc. I told my son I might keep her. He was a bit shocked at first. I told him I was going to go meditate and that I would let him know what I decide. So, I meditated, and it was very clear to me that I should keep her. I surprised myself I do believe!  For some reason, it just felt like the right decision.

beardie

What is “enough”?

So, here I am…..me and a bearded dragon. She is cute for a lizard. Each day I would go in and try to feed her. She wasn’t real keen on eating much. I felt myself wanting so badly for her to “grow normally”, (whatever normal means!). She was doing everything else that classified her as being “normal”, she just wasn’t eating enough to make her grow enough. I tried everything I could think of, I wrote to other people that have bearded dragons, etc. I just kept thinking I wanted her to be healthy like a normal lizard. Then, it hit me. Why not just accept her the way she is? In every other way, she is healthy. She just isn’t growing at the normal rate. She startled easily, and still seemed nervous to be so young in a new place, all alone. Maybe she just needs me to accept her where she is, let her be who she is until she feels comfortable. I know, she IS a lizard, but I still felt like she was giving me this gift of accepting myself exactly where I am. Heck, if I can accept a lizard, I should be able to accept myself, right?

Accepting her and myself exactly where we are

The next day after I decided to accept her exactly how she is, she ate triple the amount of crickets! I know, she is a lizard…but still. I feel like she is my mirror in some strange lizardy way. Today she shed her skin. Yet another lesson for me. I am in a huge place of growing right now, and seeing her shed her old skin and embrace the new reminds me that I need to do the same. I am shedding the old beliefs that do not work for me, and I am embracing and honoring my truth. One more layer gone, another layer closer to who I really am. I feel I am constantly comparing my “old” way of being, doing, thinking to my new, or rather my true way of being, doing, and thinking.

I am exactly where I’m supposed to be

I would never have thought a little lizard named Na’vi (I loved the Na’vi tribe in the movie Avatar!) could be a teacher. But she is. I think she actually grew a smidgen today too. But, if she did, or if she didn’t…I’m ok with her exactly how she is. She is growing exactly how she should be growing. How do I know this? Because that’s what is right now, so it must be the way it was meant to be. I also accept myself exactly as I am right now. I don’t need to be any further along, because where I am is where I am supposed to be. If I can accept a lizard for where she is on her journey, then I surely can accept myself for where I am. Crickets, anyone?

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Getting stuck in the muck

Awareness, Depression, Healing & personal growth - No Comments » - Posted on January, 30 at 12:41 am

So many layers

It has been awhile, as you know. I really haven’t felt like writing for the past few weeks. I have been doing a bunch of internal processing, I guess. Really this means getting stuck in the muck, reversing out of the muck, and then driving right back into it. The hardest part is making sure not to beat myself up for “getting stuck” yet again. I do realize that my mind is like a steel trap. When it wants to hold onto something, it clamps shut and there is no opening it until it is good and ready. The “muck” this time was really all about learning how to just surrender to my feelings. Allow them. FEEL them. The same song and dance, but just another layer, you know? My mind likes to take me to the place of trying to figure it all out. You know, this time, I will figure out WHY I am feeling so bad. When I just allow myself to go into the feelings, feel them without trying to label or figure them out, the energy disperses a bit.

Your body and cells hold memories that were repressed, until you release them

This can be tricky for me because sometimes I really can’t say what I am feeling. Which leads to judging myself. “I should be able to figure out what I feel”. Says who? This is when it is helpful to talk to my body. My body and my cells remember everything. My mind doesn’t necessarily need to know what my body is remembering. Just acknowledging the fact that I am in emotional pain is enough. Then, if I am not able to name a feeling, most likely I can express the fact that I am frustrated to not know. So, I try hard to go into my feeling of frustration. What does it feel like, not what does it mean. What does that frustration look and feel like in my body? My stomach feels tight, I feel an excess of energy swirling around. So, I get up and move. Shake my body until the energy shifts.

A Vicious cycle

Fighting against my feelings keeps me stuck in the muck. When I fight them by resisting “what is”, I suffer. So many of us have learned to push our true feelings away. It amazes me each time I can actually name a feeling I am having. Honestly, I had no clue how to do this for most of my life. When we fight against our truth, we are fighting a losing battle. Resistance spurs the fear, and fear spurs the resistance. A vicious cycle indeed. You have heard me talk about “the pain body”, the term Eckhart Tolle uses to describe the energy field of old but still very much alive emotion that lives in almost every human being. The pain-body tries to keep us in our old stories; the old story is the only one it knows. Leaving the comfort zone is scary. Fear keeps us in the comfort zone.  I keep asking myself what is there to fear? Emotions? Yes. When we have practiced hiding our truth for many years, it is scary as hell to allow them out. However, I am seeing more and more that letting them out may be difficult at first, but I always feel better after I let them flow.

Gangaji

Who are you?

Who are you without your story? Who are you when you allow “what is” to just be there? Who are you when you stop resisting the fear, even for just a few seconds? Who is “you”. “You” is beautiful energy that flows freely and is shared with all other humans and living creatures. “You” are not your story, you are not any of the labels that you have been telling yourself. “You” are not depressed, sad, angry, disappointed, etc. “You” might just be a bit stuck in the muck because of resisting your truth. Once you let out the truth, your energy will swirl freely around in joy.

Avatar

I thought I would share this beautiful song, “I See You”, by Leona Lewis from the incredible movie, “Avatar”.


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