Nothing is “good” and nothing is “bad”

Written by Amie on June 30, 2013 – 2:55 am -

I wonder what lesson this is bringing me?

Nothing is “good” and nothing is “bad”. Situations and experiences are just that, they just “are”. They don’t have to be good or bad, right or wrong. Everything that happens in my life is for the purpose of my spiritual growth. By labeling my experiences, I distract myself from feeling them authentically. We have been conditioned to label everything that happens to us. It is what we do as humans. I am learning to step back and observe my experiences, trying not to label them. This is hard work. Not an easy practice. My mind wants to label everything, wants to put each experience into an organized file so to speak. But what if you don’t call something good or bad, right or wrong? What if you can step back and say “hmmm….here I am experiencing this, I wonder what lesson this is bringing me?” Everything is for our growth, it is up to us as to whether or not we choose to “see” the lesson. If I think about the labels of right and wrong, they conjure a feeling of shame. I believe these words are used to invoke a feeling of guilt and shame in people. Who gets to decide what is deemed “right” and what is deemed “wrong”. Obviously I am not speaking of murder or things like that. That is another issue. But seriously, right and wrong…interesting topic. Where did this list of right and wrong come from? And why is it needed when it comes to an individual’s life, if everything happens for the purpose of our personal growth? I even think about people who say things like, ” he was wrong to do that to me”. What if it turns out to be the best thing for the person’s growth? It is easier to blame someone else and make them “the bad guy”. It is easier to become the victim than it is to really look at why certain things are happening in your life. And also, really looking at your reactions to them.

I wanted to label it “horrible”

Recently, I caught myself labeling my experience of being cut out of someone’s life. I wanted to label it “horrible”, and “a terrible thing”, and I also labeled it  “a relief”. While I was busy labeling, my heart was hurting. Even though I told myself I wasn’t surprised that this happened, I was grieving deeply for the relationship I never had. The relationship I have dreamed of. So, I allowed myself to just feel the pain. It is difficult to explain my experience without also labeling it. So I will just say, my body was heavy, tired, and my stomach felt sick; I believe this to be grief. The longer I allowed myself to grieve, the more my experience became about my body sensations and an inner *knowing*, rather than a story. The process was pretty cool. As I just allowed my emotions to flow through me, the pain lessened. I started feeling lighter. Sadness is still lingering, as well as some fear. But, overall, I feel better and I have come to the understanding that all is well even though this experience appears to be “horrible” if I were to label it. I know that it is all happening for the growth of my soul. I know it was “meant to be”.  I go in waves of being okay with it and being deeply sad.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be

I always come back to a *knowing* that things are exactly as they should be and I am exactly where I am supposed to be on this journey. I know that if I can just allow my emotions to be as they are without judging them or labeling them, they will flow through. This doesn’t mean there won’t be pain, but as long as there is truth and allowing and accepting, the wave will flow smoother.It really helps me to keep a neutral outlook. Life isn’t simple, but it can be easier if we can just let it flow without calling experiences good or bad, right or wrong. Sometimes things happen that appear to be terrible, and they may not be easy to feel, but at some point it will be clear as to why they happened the way they did. If we can stay in truth instead of trying to hide in denial, the message or lesson will be revealed.

This is one of my new favorite songs…I hope you enjoy it. You are loved!! “I Am Light” by India.Arie.

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Dysfunction runs deep

Written by Amie on May 20, 2013 – 3:00 am -

 I am not responsible for others’  feelings or their emotional pain

It is a really good feeling knowing I don’t have to respond to people who act in dysfunctional ways toward me. Setting boundaries feels very empowering. It was not easy doing this with people I have been interacting with for a good portion of my life. I can have compassion for them *and* I can ignore their pleas to engage in unhealthy behavior. I don’t have to respond even when they are accusing me of untrue things such as being full of anger and hate. In the past,  I may have felt the need to defend these lies, but today I know the truth, and that is all that matters to me. I have never felt more at peace than I do right now, which makes it a bit easier to ignore their words.  I don’t have to respond even when they are saying hateful and cruel things about me. It took me years of healing work to get to where I am today. It feels really good to be in this healthy place! I know how much I have grown, because I am able to hear words today that would have been so incredibly hurtful a few years back,without believing them and turning them against myself. I have learned that cruel, hateful words are not about me, they are about the person saying them. Today I am able to see that the person or people hurling these cruel words at me are in deep denial and deep emotional pain. And I am relieved to know for sure, that I am not responsible for their feelings or their pain. They are trying to say I am responsible. That’s okay if they want to say that. I know my truth and that’s all that matters. It feels so good to see through the “nonsense”. I see clearly how people “project” their own emotional pain onto those around them.

 emotional projection

I have been learning a lot about emotional projection. It took me awhile to really understand what it is. The Universe must have thought I needed an example to help me understand it better! Someone who claims to love me accused me of being filled with hate and anger. In so many words, they are saying that since I am not going along with the protocol so to speak (which means I am changing a pattern that was deeply set for years) and I am speaking my truth, it must be because I am filled with anger and hate. I find this fascinating. This person is completely convinced that I am acting dysfunctional, when in reality I am standing up for myself and I am saying “NO” to unhealthy behavior. This person is calling me disrespectful because I refuse to continue unhealthy behavior. I am saying, “no, I will no longer participate in the pretend everything is ‘normal’ game”. In reality, this person is angry and resentful at someone else but is  saying *I* am the angry and resentful one. Instead of dealing with his/her true feelings and the circumstances they are living with, they have chosen to blame me, saying it is *me* who is causing the problems. It fascinates me what the mind is capable of making us believe.

others may dig their heals in to hold on tight to what they know

Dysfunction runs deep. If one person in a close-knit group begins changing the group dynamic by growing emotionally and getting healthy, the whole group starts shifting. Some of the group members may also begin growing and healing, while others may dig their heels in to hold on tight to what they know. Even those members who know the group is unhealthy may still choose to stay with the way things “have always been”. Even tragedy may not change the way they do things. Keeping things the same may still win out even if one of the members snaps, goes into a  rage, and threatens another person in the group. The other members have learned to protect the “group leader” so to speak. It is the way it has always been done, so some people have a very difficult time changing what feels familiar. Some  may even blame the group members who are getting healthy rather than calling out the unhealthy behavior of another member.  I know from personal experience how hard it is to change and heal from dysfunctional behavior. I also know I couldn’t live in the dysfunction anymore, so for me, there was no choice but to face the truth. I couldn’t pretend that the way things were, felt good or healthy to me. They didn’t! In fact, they felt completely insane! In order to heal, I knew I had to break away at least for awhile until I was capable of being around the dysfunction while also being able to maintain my own well being.

 give yourself permission to set boundaries

My well being is my priority. Others have to take care of their own well being. (I am talking about adults here). I realized a few years ago that I was sort of the peacekeeper of this group. I was the one who took on the emotions of others so they could remain comfortable. I suffered. In a big big way. My well being was not my priority back then and my health paid the price. I was so deep in depression, I can’t begin to describe it. And since I am on the other side of it now, I can see how dysfunctional patterns become so ingrained in some people, that they will not even consider that maybe there is another way of being in the world. I have compassion for people who are suffering and for those who may not see another way of being. I can have compassion, but I can’t heal their wounds for them. It is up to each individual to heal their own wounds. I will not take on the poison words from people who choose to live in an unhealthy way. I will not tolerate behavior that feels hateful and that comes from a place of emotional unconsciousness. I am in a healthy place and I plan to stay here. If any of this scenario rings true for you, I hope this will encourage you to give yourself permission to set boundaries in your life so that you can heal and grow to be healthy and happy. Setting boundaries is such an important step to take on the journey to self-love.

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