Connections that end; and boundaries

Written by Amie on August 31, 2015 – 2:33 am -

Moving on when we need to

Some days it is hard for me to understand why things happen as they do. One thing I have been pondering lately is why we are connected to the people we are connected to on this journey of life. I believe some people are meant to be in our lives for the “long haul” ,so to speak, some are meant to be for a shorter duration, and some maybe just very briefly. Since becoming more consciously aware, I am able to see how the universe makes it pretty clear when it is time to move on from a connection with someone. Years ago, I would have tried to do anything, (mostly making myself miserable) to keep those in my life who I *thought* were supposed to be. And when I say “supposed to be”, I mean they had been in my life up to that point, so why should that change?

It doesn’t feel *bad*, it feels complete

I am noticing how different it feels to me these days when I don’t feel the same connection with people that I assumed would be in my life either for the duration, or at least for a very long time. I really notice in my body how the connection feels complete, as if saying, yes, this connection has served its purpose. It feels like we have done what we needed to do in order to grow our souls, and it is time to move on. It doesn’t feel *bad* to me. It feels complete. And, I just find it really interesting. I have also noticed that the ending of connections may also happen when we discover new boundaries within ourselves. We discover that certain things about a connection which may have been okay before, are no longer feeling good. I know what feels good to me in a connection with a person, and I know what I do not want in a connection. Depending on the connection, it may take a bit longer to tie up loose ends so to speak, but sometimes it is just a clean, clear-cut ending, due to either new discoveries or just that the connection has served its purpose.

talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk

In terms of boundaries, I know what I will no longer tolerate in my life in terms of a deep connection. I know I will not be in close connection with those who do not value who I am, all parts of who I am. I know I will not be in close connection with those who give the vibe that they are merely tolerating me. I will not be in close connection with those who do not value equal rights for all people. I will not be in close connection with those who do not speak up on my behalf if the situation calls for it. I will not be in connection with those who believe they deserve more or better than other people deserve. I will not be in close connection with those who will not own their truth. (this one can be a bit blurry sometimes because many people are not conscious enough yet to see this in themselves, or they aren’t able to acknowledge it in themselves). However, there is a big difference between not seeing their truth clearly, and wanting to deny the truth for one’s own benefit.If there is one thing I know right now for sure, it is that I want to limit my connections (as much as I possibly can without becoming a hermit) to those who say they are a certain way, but their actions say something very different.

We are all learning

And with that, I want to also say, that I completely understand we are all in different places in this life journey. I remember when I would talk the talk and not walk the walk. I was then, and I am now, still learning. We all are. I just know, that for me, I have to trust that someone I choose to reveal my truth, my soul, my heart to, is willing to do the same with me. It is very telling when someone is only willing to open up so far, but will easily focus on others’ issues and struggles, or on their own accomplishments and successes. I just know that I no longer choose to be in deep connection with those who aren’t willing to reveal their own struggles, mistakes, and wounds. I want to be in connection with those who put consciousness, authenticity, and inner self work as a top priority.

Setting boundaries

I understand why people may be reluctant to show themselves authentically, and I still choose to limit the connection. Most of my life was spent trying to decipher if those close to me truly cared about me, and if what they were saying to me was truth or if it was manipulation or narcissistic behavior. So, I have put in my time, and I am no longer willing to be in deep connection with those not willing to show their deep truth. And after years of healing from dysfunctional connections, I am done with connections that don’t feel authentic. This is a boundary for me. And I am done with those connections where I no longer feel healthy support. Everyone has their limitations, and for each of us to be healthy, we must decide what connections feel nurturing and authentic, and which ones don’t. The universe will help you see if you take the time to go inside yourself to listen. Take care of yourself no matter what!

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Emotional pain in other people

Written by Amie on October 25, 2014 – 2:08 am -

Compassion

When I feel other people in emotional pain, it is really hard for me. I am highly sensitive. I know this is one reason why being around others’ emotional pain can be difficult at times.  It can be hard work sometimes protecting myself from taking on their energy. The other reason is that I have so much compassion for others, especially those in emotional pain. It is not an easy journey being stuck in emotional hell. I’ve been there, many many times. Sometimes it is really hard because while I feel their pain, I also see ways for them to heal it. I know they can’t “hear me” unless they are ready. Many people are not ready to face their true emotional pain, especially if there is a lot of trauma involved or abuse was part of their background. So, even though I know I could share ways to help them, I also know I can’t unless they ask and they are truly ready.

I could see the pain on this person’s face

I met with someone today who I have been estranged from for close to three years now. It was one of those times when I was really hoping this person was ready to face some of their pain, so that our relationship could be restored.  I was wrong. This person only wanted to prove they were “right”. It was frustrating and heartbreaking all at the same time. I could see the pain on this person’s face, feel the pain in their energy. And, I could do nothing for them. If I were to “agree” to their “rightness”, I would be giving away a part of myself, and I can’t do that anymore. So I had to walk away, probably for good, from someone who has been in my life since my birth. (minus the last three years. )Very sad. This person isn’t willing to be vulnerable and to really face the pain of their past, and the pain of what happened. They say they have, but I don’t see it in their actions. The same behavior is present, so how can things be any different?

It is also FREEING

Honestly, I can’t even be angry because I truly understand emotional pain and being afraid to feel it. I remember a time when I didn’t even realize my depression had deep roots in my emotional pain. I just thought depression was a “state” of mind, something that happened to people who were flawed. No, nobody is flawed. Ever. People are wounded. Often. More often than not. It takes great strength and courage to really face emotional pain. It IS painful. It is also FREEING. When we feel, we heal.

Actions always speak way louder than words

So now I truly have to completely let go of any hope that this relationship will get healthy. I pretty much knew that already, but now it is 100% clear to me. This person is stuck in their emotional wounding, and it is blocking them from healing so that their relationships today can be healthy. It is very sad. I am sad. I have more grieving to do. I must also grieve for what could have been. Years ago, I would have just given a part of myself away and gone back to the way things were. I love myself so much now that I won’t do it. I practice self care, which means setting healthy boundaries. This is healthy and not easy. It isn’t always easy because those who are stuck in their ways will tell you how wrong you are and that you aren’t listening to them, etc etc. And I say, “actions always speak way louder than words.” Being vulnerable is not easy. Feeling your pain is not easy. But it is SO worth it!

 

Here is a good video that talks about “the pain body” (accumulated emotional pain and trauma)

 

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