Digging to find the truth

Written by Amie on January 30, 2009 – 2:36 am -

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The Real Me

Until fairly recently, I truly believed that all of the thoughts and beliefs I held about myself made up the real me. Everything that happened to me, every thought about myself, anything that I was told as a child was “ME”. I didn’t know to question this.  Wow, what an awakening this has been!  To realize that the ME I thought I was, and the true ME are not anything alike!  This concept was not easy to grasp. Oh, the stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we believe about ourselves!

The Truth

The truth is that the real me, the authentic me, has been there all along, patiently waiting for me to come back to it. The voice of true unconditional love resides in all of us. Unfortunately, it gets buried sometimes. If we ever felt like we were not accepted for our true self, we may have buried that part of us. Little by little, parts of our authentic self were put away, until the time comes when we aren’t even sure who that authentic self is. I remember being confused when someone would ask me what I enjoy doing, or what my interests are. I didn’t always have an answer, and I am still digging to unbury those parts of me. Part of my very deep depressions stemmed from burying my true self. I could not distinguish myself from others. I became what others needed me to be, not who I really am. I also hid my authentic self, which also meant hiding my true feelings. My true self was not accepted, so I shut it down. I also stopped believing in uncondtional love.

Sensitive self

I am an extremely sensitive person, which I believe is a gift. That part of me was never looked at as a positive thing. I am proud of that part of me now. I am a compassionate, empathetic, loving person. The other day I was able to really see that side of myself, and I felt giddy with excitement. My kids and I were out playing in the snow, and I saw a bird fly into a tree. I started worrying about the birds not being able to find enough food since it was so icy and snowy. I ran into the house and got a bunch of birdseed and dug out a large space to put it in. I also put some in other places on trays so that the birds could get to it. This sounds like no big deal, but it really triggered something inside me. I remembered as a young girl that I loved animals so much, and felt so compassionate about them. I wanted to save any strays, help the ones that were hurt, etc. This side of me was not nurtured. I really had tears of joy when I thought about how I CAN nurture that part of me, I can feed all the animals that I want to, and I feel proud of myself for being so sensitive to the needs of others. A positive thing! Another layer of myself uncovered. 

The truth is always there

I feel so much stronger knowing that the truth of who I am is always with me. When I am feeling down, I remind myself that I can plug into that truth anytime. Meditating brings me to this truth as well.  I am not the stories that I tell myself or the thoughts that others have about me. The truth is I am loved for exactly who I am, the authenthic self that was afraid to be exposed. As I uncover my authentic self  little by little, I celebrate those parts of me. I will not be afraid to be who I really am, instead, I feel proud of myself.  Unconditional love and acceptance are there for us to tap into, and they are always accessible. Trust it.

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Those hidden beliefs

Written by Amie on January 27, 2009 – 12:13 pm -

Exercise and Meditation

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I would like to share this huge breakthrough that I had today because I am thinking that it might help someone else. I have been exercising and meditating almost every day for the past few weeks. I am trying to be very gentle with myself and trying not to have expectations of a certain outcome. One of my intentions for the new year is that I want to exercise more. Not like the New Year’s resolution when I  tell myself I “should” exercise. That has never worked for me. I have a strong desire to exercise, and the meditation just feels like a part of my routine. Wake up, stretch, meditate. Anyway,  even though I am doing this without an “agenda” so to speak, there is a small part of me that thought I “should” (there is that word again) see some small change in my body by now. I am working on learning to love my body again, so like I said, I am being nice to myself. But still……..

Negative body image

I sat down to meditate thinking that I would follow my normal routine. However, that nagging voice inside was saying, I wonder why you can’t really see any changes yet. I decided to listen, and to observe the other thoughts that were coming up. Wow, some beliefs that I didn’t know I had came bubbling up to the surface. I realized that there is a part of me that is afraid to get back to the weight and size that I was when I felt I was in “good shape”.  Again, I asked myself, why would I be afraid? I thought that sounded crazy!  Ask and you shall receive, right?!  The answers came forth loud and clear!

Acceptance

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The answer that came to me was that the only time in my life that I felt truly “accepted”  was when I was working out in a way that was unhealthy, and I was skinny. I was over  exercising and not eating enough. I got a lot of attention when I looked the way I was “supposed” to look. This hurt to realize. I feel sad, disappointed, and really furious!! I also realized why the weight started creeping on about a year after my kids were born. This was around the time when my parents thought I should stop breastfeeding my boys, cut the apron strings were the exact words. This is when I started feeling like they were disappointed in my parenting skills, which lead to feeling unaccepted yet again.

Accept me for who I am

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I couldn’t figure out why this would make my body want to hold on to extra weight though. If anything, I would have thought I would lose weight so that I could feel accepted. Another thought came up-subconsciously I didn’t want to lose the weight because I was hoping that they would accept me for who I am for once. Even though they didn’t agree with my parenting and I am not the right body shape, if they could just accept me for who I am, I could be free to lose weight if I wanted to. I was hoping  they would love me either way. Ha! If I were to lose weight and then people would make a big deal about it, it would feel like once again, I am being accepted because I lost weight. I won’t just be accepted for who I am.

Now that I understand this, I can release the negative beliefs, and move on. I already knew that it doesn’t matter if anyone accepts me for who I am. I still am who I am. I don’t need other people’s  approval of anything I do. My husband and I choose the way we raise our children, and it is too bad if someone else doesn’t like it! I knew there was some correlation to  my weight and the resistance and fear I felt, but I really didn’t get exactly what it was. I wrote a letter to my family, and then I released the negative beliefs and then I burned the letter. That felt so good! I am so grateful that I am far out of the victim mode.  I am grateful that my body has been so loyal to me, and has stayed so healthy. I also feel compassion for those that are so focused on the external. That is so not who we all are! Yes, I want to take care of my body, and treat it well, but with or without this body, I am me. I am who I am, and I am powerful! I am 100% Ok with not being accepted. Sure, it would be nice, but I do not need it in order to be happy and healthy!

I will still be gentle with myself, and I will still not be focused on the outcome. I don’t want to pressure myself now and feel like something has to change quickly now that I have it figured out! Because I don’t have it all figured out, it is just one piece of my puzzle. It is exciting though to excavate to see what I can find. I will stay healthy as long as I don’t make up stories to go along with these thoughts that come up! That is when the feeling of being so small and helpless comes in, when we let our stories take over. I am writing my own story now, I am responsible for my story, and I am going to make it full of joy and self-acceptance. That is the only acceptance we all really need-acceptance of ourselves!


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