It’s OK not to know, and the cycles of depression

Written by Amie on October 27, 2009 – 12:48 am -

A light at the other end of the tunnel

For about the last week or so, I have felt as though I might be losing my mind! I have not felt this down in quite awhile. I was not able to clear my head as well as usual, but I am finally seeing the light at the other end of the tunnel. Once I allowed myself to just let my emotions flow, without having to know exactly what was going on, I felt relief. I cried a lot and just felt at peace with my sadness, anger, frustration, and every other emotion coursing through me! I felt freedom once I reminded myself to just “be”, just let myself sit and be with my truth. I was trying so hard to push my feelings away rather than just let them be. Sometimes I forget to do this. I get caught up in the “what in the heck is wrong with me, why am I feeling so crappy, what happened, what am I doing different, I was just feeling good a few days ago, I wish these feelings would just go away, I thought I was over this, I haven’t felt this bad in a long time, what is going on with me……” and the list goes on. Until, I allow myself to just accept that I feel bad. I remind myself that I am having emotions, and it doesn’t matter why. I can just allow them and they will eventually pass through. “This too shall pass!” Man, that is hard to remember when I am in the muck!

Extreme Compassion

Each time this happens, and I “fall off my cloud” of joyful bliss, I forget about giving myself a break. I forget to be gentle on myself and to treat myself with extreme compassion. Instead, my mind goes places that are the opposite of compassion. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders; I was convinced  I would never feel good again, that everything was wrong with me. All of the messages I thought were in the past came back for a visit. I guess they were still lurking, just waiting for the opportune time to strike! It is amazing to me how it is like a switch goes off and I feel so much better once I treat myself with compassion and once I allow myself to just be with my emotions. When I am holding my emotions hostage, I become a hostage. If I don’t allow them to flow, I am stuck. My head feels clogged up and I am stuck in a place that feels as though I am hovering. I am not present in my body at all. This makes me feel lost, which makes me think I will never feel better.My mind gets stuck in a loop playing the hateful messages that convince me of their truth.

I have no idea why I feel angry

I gave myself permission to feel angry. I didn’t realize I wasn’t giving myself permission. Once I said it out loud to myself, “it is safe and it is OK to feel your anger”, I felt a strong release. I am still not sure why I was angry, but I am OK with that too. Sometime I might figure it out, but maybe not. I’m OK with not knowing. Spending time trying to figure out why, kept me stuck in a low place. My mind likes to go to that place of thinking that if I know “why” I feel a certain way then that will make things right. Huh? I get completely convinced I must know all the answers. If I don’t know the answer, then of course my mind tells me that something is wrong with me! Yikes! It really amazes me how I can be going along on a happy joyful ride, and then wake up one morning and feel like I would like nothing more than to smash my head against the wall. I would never really do that, but it expresses the pain I feel. I just want it to go away! I become a dog chasing my tail in a circle, never quite catching up.

Shut Up!!

After a few days of this, my true self made a tiny peep, or maybe I finally just acknowledged it. At first I told it to shut up and leave me alone! It kept trying, I kept pushing it away. It was trying to tell me to please be compassionate with myself, please wrap myself up in a hug and tell myself  I am OK, please remind myself  that there is nothing wrong with me. After awhile, I decided to listen. I decided to give myself  just an ounce of self-love. A few years ago, I couldn’t do this. Self-love was not even on my radar. Now I am aware of self-love. Now that I am aware of the fact that the hateful thoughts  telling me I am bad and messed up are just plain lies, I am able to come back out of the dark hole to climb back up on the wagon.

Hop On The Wagon!

200706230813430.wagon ride  8

Not sure why this picture struck me, but it did. I don’t have to know why, do I?! I love that the child is pulling the wagon. A symbol of the inner child pulling the big child along…..I don’t know…it is also adorable, so that’s enough in itself.

Nurture me, please

Once I climbed back up, I was able to see that I needed to be treated like a newborn baby. I needed nurturing, understanding, love, acceptance, and compassion. It is interesting, because right after I became aware of that little voice of inner truth, I started watching my thoughts again. I noticed how I tried to tell myself  I needed someone else to nurture me, understand me, accept me, love me, and be compassionate with me. Maybe I needed that too. However, when my tears came falling down,and a loud  but gentle message came through saying, “please be compassionate with me, love me, nurture me, accept me, just be with me,” I knew it was ME that needed to do all of these things for myself  first. Once again, I had to come back to self-love.

Cycles of Depression

I was reminded of the cycle that my depression has started to follow. When I first started down the path to healing, I had 95% of my days being bad. Then, very slowly, I began to have a few more days here and there. Then, things would come crashing down on me again, and I would feel buried for awhile. For awhile now, (I kind of lose track of time), I have had about 85% good days, with a few bad ones. I had forgotten about the “things come crashing down on me again” phase! Lately my “bad days” were just slightly uncomfortable, not like this! So, this threw me. I am working on getting to a place of feeling grateful for these dark times. They allow me to step back and see how far I’ve come. I feel so grateful for my good days! When I am in the dark muck, I try to tell myself I am right back to the beginning, but then the cycle comes to an end, and I am reminded of the truth! I am exactly where I am supposed to be! But damn, why does that place have to be so uncomfortable? There I go asking why! Who cares why?!  Ugh…….not me?! (grin)


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Selfloveish-my new word!

Written by Amie on October 21, 2009 – 1:13 am -

Two definitions of selfish

What do you think? Do you like my new word? I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the whole selfish thing. There are times when I feel like I think way too much about myself. Then I gently remind myself of how I missed many years of never thinking of myself, so I can give myself a break. I think there are two definitions of the word “selfish”. One definition is the typical one. You know the one. Stop thinking of yourself and do something for someone else. Then the second definition is the one for my new word; “selfloveish”. This means it is OK for me to take some time and really check in with my inner self. Leave the world behind, and just focus on myself. In other words, I am loving myself, I am working on my self-love. I am being selfish enough to take care of me, and that is more than just OK.

What will the neighbors think?

How many of us have been taught that everyone else comes before we do? As children many people learn to always think about what “the neighbors” might think of us, or how certain things might be looked upon as being selfish. Well, I’ve had it up to my eyeballs worrying about what anyone else thinks. I pretty much stopped that worry awhile ago. As with most habits I had for awhile though, this one creeps in to remind me every so often that it is there. Again, I gently remind myself  it is time to be “selfloveish”. I sometimes think about how hard I have to work to not fall back to hating myself. For the most part, I am in a good place, loving myself in my “selfloveish” way! Then, I will have a few days of feeling as though I have one toe in the black hole. I have to talk to myself a lot on these kind of days. I did finally learn to embrace the darkness first instead of resisting it, so that’s a plus! Then, I have to remind myself of my favorite quote, “this too shall pass”, which is always does. The next part of the process is going back inside myself to remember the reasons why I love myself.

Woman meditating

Working hard to love myself

Is there some anger about the fact I have to “work on” loving myself, and making sure I take the time to be “selfloveish”? Absolutely! I still sometimes get led down the path of  the victim role. I think about “why haven’t I always loved myself, why was I not lovable, what was wrong with me?”  And, then, poof, I am able to remind myself that all of those negative stories were from dysfunctional parts of my life, parts that I didn’t have much control over. So, I honor that part of me, give myself extra love and attention, and I take time to be extra “selfloveish”. A year or two ago, I could not do this. I fill my head with the stories I know on a deep level, are my truth. If I am feeling extra angry, I always do some type of body movement-I shake my body while visualizing all of the negative stories flying out of me, and then flying out the window!

The victim voice

I realized that my victim voice has been hanging around a lot lately. Please know that I don’t mean “victim voice” in a bad way, just that it reminds me that I am no longer a victim, I am powerful and I create my life. I am definitely in control now. When I say victim voice, I mean the voice that believes there is something terribly wrong with me. I also honor and validate that voice, but then I gently remind it that I am not a victim anymore! So, I have been pondering why that voice is hanging around lately. One reason is I haven’t been “selfloveish” as much  as I need to. Even though I am still meditating everyday, I haven’t been giving myself enough time to really go inward to ponder what is brewing on the inside. I also know I have been going over some things about life in my earlier years, and those things were bringing up anger for me. So, I am doing more journaling and also writing here. It always helps!  Thank you for being out there reading my posts. Feel free to chime in with your experiences anytime I would love to hear about your experiences.

Watching the “rebirth” of my true self

I am giving myself a break and letting my feelings be there however they want to be. I will be “selfloveish” enough to listen to my anger, release it when it is ready, and then work on forgiving myself and others so I can keep moving on with this wild  journey. I know I will keep peeling back layers and layers of feelings and emotions. I peel some back, and I watch another part of my buried self come back to life. I guess it is a rebirth in some way. We go full circle, a part of us dies (all of those negative untrue stories), while a wonderful truth is reborn. The truth we were born with. This makes me feel so hopeful and excited. I am old enough now to actually witness my own birth of sorts. I can witness the beautiful parts of myself being born as I go along. I am so happy to be in a place now of being able to love those parts of me. I am so happy to be “selfloveish” enough to take the time to welcome each part of my true self back again. Each part of me that was lost can now come back to me, and I can celebrate each part, one at a time.


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