Getting stuck in the muck

Written by Amie on January 30, 2010 – 12:41 am -

So many layers

It has been awhile, as you know. I really haven’t felt like writing for the past few weeks. I have been doing a bunch of internal processing, I guess. Really this means getting stuck in the muck, reversing out of the muck, and then driving right back into it. The hardest part is making sure not to beat myself up for “getting stuck” yet again. I do realize that my mind is like a steel trap. When it wants to hold onto something, it clamps shut and there is no opening it until it is good and ready. The “muck” this time was really all about learning how to just surrender to my feelings. Allow them. FEEL them. The same song and dance, but just another layer, you know? My mind likes to take me to the place of trying to figure it all out. You know, this time, I will figure out WHY I am feeling so bad. When I just allow myself to go into the feelings, feel them without trying to label or figure them out, the energy disperses a bit.

Your body and cells hold memories that were repressed, until you release them

This can be tricky for me because sometimes I really can’t say what I am feeling. Which leads to judging myself. “I should be able to figure out what I feel”. Says who? This is when it is helpful to talk to my body. My body and my cells remember everything. My mind doesn’t necessarily need to know what my body is remembering. Just acknowledging the fact that I am in emotional pain is enough. Then, if I am not able to name a feeling, most likely I can express the fact that I am frustrated to not know. So, I try hard to go into my feeling of frustration. What does it feel like, not what does it mean. What does that frustration look and feel like in my body? My stomach feels tight, I feel an excess of energy swirling around. So, I get up and move. Shake my body until the energy shifts.

A Vicious cycle

Fighting against my feelings keeps me stuck in the muck. When I fight them by resisting “what is”, I suffer. So many of us have learned to push our true feelings away. It amazes me each time I can actually name a feeling I am having. Honestly, I had no clue how to do this for most of my life. When we fight against our truth, we are fighting a losing battle. Resistance spurs the fear, and fear spurs the resistance. A vicious cycle indeed. You have heard me talk about “the pain body”, the term Eckhart Tolle uses to describe the energy field of old but still very much alive emotion that lives in almost every human being. The pain-body tries to keep us in our old stories; the old story is the only one it knows. Leaving the comfort zone is scary. Fear keeps us in the comfort zone.  I keep asking myself what is there to fear? Emotions? Yes. When we have practiced hiding our truth for many years, it is scary as hell to allow them out. However, I am seeing more and more that letting them out may be difficult at first, but I always feel better after I let them flow.

Gangaji

Who are you?

Who are you without your story? Who are you when you allow “what is” to just be there? Who are you when you stop resisting the fear, even for just a few seconds? Who is “you”. “You” is beautiful energy that flows freely and is shared with all other humans and living creatures. “You” are not your story, you are not any of the labels that you have been telling yourself. “You” are not depressed, sad, angry, disappointed, etc. “You” might just be a bit stuck in the muck because of resisting your truth. Once you let out the truth, your energy will swirl freely around in joy.

Avatar

I thought I would share this beautiful song, “I See You”, by Leona Lewis from the incredible movie, “Avatar”.


Share

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Awareness, Depression, Healing & personal growth | No Comments »

No action needed, just BE

Written by Amie on January 14, 2010 – 1:37 am -

Do not show my truth

It has taken me a very long time to really “get” the idea of just letting myself feel emotions rather than feel them but also go right into the mode of having to do something to either “fix” it, or figure out what to do about it. I am a person who likes to know why, and who has a hard time just letting something “be”. I was always the person who thought she had to be the one to keep the peace, or to do things for others so that they suffer less. Most of the time I was working from a very uncomfortable place. I did not want  anyone to argue or to be unhappy. In other words, I had a very difficult time with other people showing emotion. I also felt responsible to DO something to help them. I learned that showing emotion was not a good thing. It was something that you just don’t do. Be strong, be quiet, and go along with what others want. Do not show your truth.

I guess it isn’t surprising that I had trouble learning that (1) it’s OK and very normal to have emotions, (2) I don’t really have to act on every feeling I have, (3) I am human, therefore I have emotions,  (4) there is nothing wrong with me if I have emotions, (5) I have every right to feel the way I feel regardless of what others around me think, and (6) emotions are energy, and they come and go.

Feel the emotions

Allowing myself to just feel the emotions, feel the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, the anger is still tricky for me at times. I have to really talk to myself when I am having strong emotions. I have to remind myself to breathe, and then tell myself to feel the emotion without judging it, and without needing to take action. It seems to be so common for us to want to DO instead of just to BE. We have been taught that we should be doing something so that it looks like we are not wasting our time, we are doing something constructive. This way of thinking flows into our emotional life as well. Even with meditating, it is very normal to feel like we are accomplishing something. We need to work towards enlightenment, at least we have a goal, right?!  Once we meditate and become “enlightened”, then what? Smooth sailing for the rest of our lives, no more emotions, no more having to deal with being human? Wishful thinking. I have come to believe that meditation is to help us remember who we truly are. I don’t think meditation is to “become” anything. We already “are”. When we meditate, we are reminded that we are not our stories, we are the peace that comes in the silence.

Emotions flow when you allow them

I am able to see (most of the time!) that once I just allow myself to BE, simply BE with my emotions, they flow through me easier and quicker. Most of the time I just need to allow myself to feel them (not always easy), and then just be with myself. It is important to nurture and love ourselves when we have strong feelings, but not take any action. We don’t have to fix ourselves, we just have to be in the space of feeling who we are. Humans have emotions, regardless of what we are taught. Humans FEEL, regardless of what we are taught. When we disconnect from ourselves by thinking we have to take action, we chip away at our soul, we disregard the connection we have with all other humans, we separate ourselves from all that is.

Who Am I pic

There is nothing wrong with me for showing emotions

Giving myself the space to just be with my emotions has been a huge gift I have given myself. It has also given me clarity around how we have been taught to ignore a part of ourselves from a very young age. So many people believe there is something wrong with them when they show their emotions. Many people are so shut down they don’t realize they have emotions. That was me for quite awhile. I shut down my emotional side. I felt too vulnerable and it felt too scary to have emotions that I had to do something about. IF I allowed myself to cry about something, to me that meant I had to find a way to fix it. So that was just too overwhelming. It was easier to just shut down, or get angry.

We are feeling Beings

It is ok to be human and to feel emotions. We are feeling BEings. Finding your truth means allowing yourself to feel. No need to take action, just allow yourself to FEEL your aliveness through emotion. Emotions can’t hurt you. They can be difficult because they are painful sometimes, yes. Just breathe and stay with the emotions, and they will pass. Not to say they won’t come back again or come back in a different form, they probably will. But, say hello to them and thank them for keeping you human. Allow them to come to the surface. Staying with “what is” right in this moment will allow you to just BE.

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Depression, Meditation, Self-love | No Comments »
RSS