I must feel my anger in order to get to forgiveness

Written by Amie on March 24, 2010 – 2:00 am -

Repressed feelings turn to unexpressed anger then depression

I remember being told very early on that depression is anger turned inside out. My definition of depression is repression of feelings turns to unexpressed anger which turns to depression. Same thing? I don’t know, maybe. All I know is that up until a few months ago, each time I would start to process anger, I would feel a bunch of guilt that would shut my anger back down. I learned very early on that expressing feelings is not a good thing. Therefore, guilt was associated with my expression of anger. That nasty little bitchy voice in my head would say that I shouldn’t feel a certain way! When I believed that nasty voice, I was believing that I didn’t have a right to be angry. I know better now. Everyone has a right to be angry and to express themselves. Everyone. There is not anything to feel guilty about. Processing anger can be done without the presence of the person or people we are angry with. It is the acknowledging and FEELING that is the important part. Spewing anger at someone does nothing except make them think you are crazy! We wouldn’t have so much anger if we would have felt safe enough to express ourselves at the time we have feelings. Holding them in until later is what usually creates anger.

Repressing anger is a survival skill

So, 99.9% of us have repressed anger I would say, right? How many people learned that it was OK and safe to express your true feelings? How many people were encouraged to be true to who we are? It is no wonder that most people don’t have a clue as to who they are! How could they, they were told to basically hide it starting from a young age. Thank goodness our survival skills kick in and teach us how to cope to get through. Can you feel my anger through my post? Most likely you can. I have been processing a lot of anger lately, and it feels really empowering! It has made me see that I am completely finished playing the game of charades! I will be who I am and if someone doesn’t like it, too damn bad!

I can’t just skip right to forgiveness, and that’s OK

The conclusion came to me the other day that I can’t go to forgiveness until I go through my feelings of anger first. I kept trying to forgive the people I am angry with, instead of allowing myself the time and permission to just be furious. The bitchy voice kept judging me saying that I “should” just forgive, and “you are wasting time” thinking about all of this. Well, once again I decided to shut that voice down. She has no place in my head anymore. Sorry, the door is closed to that chapter. Will she creep back in? Sure, she will try, but I am ready for her. I like to cuss her out now. It is very empowering! That voice is not ME, it is NOT true, it is the collective dysfunction I learned in order to survive. This is true for most of us. Shut that voice down, give your true self a louder voice than the bitchy one.

No more guilt,shame and lies! The GIG is up!

I am tired of guilt, shame, and lies, and I am refusing to play the game anymore. I have had enough!  The coping skills from my childhood are no longer needed. The anger I feel is allowed to be felt, and I am allowed to be really pissed off at people that I feel have wronged me. It is OK to not have compassion for them right now. At some point I will, most likely. But for right now, I am processing my anger, which means getting in touch with feelings that were buried. Hard work? Very hard, but also incredibly liberating!! Giving myself permission is a gift that I will keep giving to myself.

Where is the anger in my body? Getting in touch with the sensations of the feelings

Getting in touch with what is under the anger is sometimes tricky. Mostly because we have learned to push our true feelings away. So, for me I can only process these feelings when the anger feels alive in my body. I do this work with my therapist, or just by myself in a place that I feel safe. When the anger hits I feel the sensations in my body. I remind myself that I don’t need to know why this, or why that. I just keep going with body sensations. For example, my stomach feels like a rubber band is squishing it. It feels like a metal ball just sitting in the same spot waiting to explode. Soon I get to the part when I ask that metal ball to speak to me, tell me what it wants to say. I know, this sounds bizarre maybe, but it works so well! My body always knows what my mind doesn’t want to know. The important thing is to keep breathing.  Breathe, while also kicking the judgmental bitchy voice out!

angry-woman

I am in an angry place, and I kinda like it!

I am just in an angry place right now, and that’s OK. It really infuriates me to think of all the times I was taught to shut down my true self. It angers me to think I have to fight with what I thought was my real self. I have to tell that voice to shut up. What a waste of time! If we could all be nurtured from the start, taught how to feel our true emotions, loved for who we really are, encouraged to express ourselves, and know in no uncertain terms that we are loved just for being alive, I believe we would all be emotionally healthy. When I write this, I hope that it won’t make people feel guilty about their parenting. I hope that it gives people inspiration to heal themselves emotionally  so that they can be better parents to themselves and to their children, no matter what age their children are. It is never too late to heal yourself from the emotional dysfunction that society encourages.

You are a gift to the world!

Nurture yourself today! Heal yourself, and you contribute to the well being of the whole world! Trust yourself, love yourself! You are loved just because you are alive! You are a gift to the world no matter what message you learned as a young person! You control the judgmental voice in your head, you really do, I promise! Cuss it out like never before! Talk to it like nobody’s business! Give yourself permission to FEEL., it is your right to do so. You are a precious gift to the world, and the world is a better place because YOU are here! Love to you all!

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Moving your body helps to heal depression

Written by Amie on March 8, 2010 – 1:16 am -

I am connected to my body again!

I’ve been on a hiatus from writing because I just wasn’t feeling it. I always want to be coming from a place of authenticity, so I don’t want to write just for the heck of it. As I may have mentioned in one of my last posts, I have been doing alot of inner processing. Wow, I have to tell you, I feel like I have found something I lost a long time ago. No idea when I lost myself, but all I know is that I am back. Specifically, my head is now attached to my body. I actually *feel* like I am living in my body again. Honestly, I had no idea how cut off I was from my body. By this I mean really feeling the sensations of my body, really *knowing* that those attached limbs are mine. It is so hard to explain the feeling except to say that it reminds me of watching a baby discovering her body; wiggling her hands, seeing her legs kicking in the air. Imagine the baby’s delight when she realizes that *she* is the one moving those little toes, hands, legs. This is exactly how I felt one night when I was doing what I call moving meditation. I was dancing in a dim room with my Ipod in my ears, and suddenly I felt a strong connection to my legs. Slowly, the rest of my body became known. I actually *felt* my legs moving; I mean I really felt the tingling of the *aliveness* in my body. I nearly fell on the floor and cried. I had *no idea* what I had been missing. I was a numb person walking around practically bodiless. I welcomed my body back, and celebrated her arrival!

To feel better-MOVE your body however you can

I must tell you that if you want to feel better-MOVE. I don’t mean move because you think you want to be in better shape, or move because “it is good for you”. I mean go to a space where you can be alone, light some candles (or not), dim the lights or turn them completely off, and then let your body lead you in how it wants to move. No fancy dance moves, no worries about how you look, no thinking you may be doing it “wrong” (there is no wrong here). Just close your eyes and let your body lead you. Trust me, it will. And, the best part? You will feel so much better. No expectations here. Just allow your body to move. I will tell you I have had some strong feelings come up. This may or may not be the case for you. I had so much anger I wanted to punch something. I found an outlet for that, a yoga block. It worked. I even punched the air, and that helped too. Sadness hit me too. Please don’t be afraid of the emotions though. They are energy-as long as I remember to breathe, they go right through me. I feel them in my body, NOT in my head. I get in touch with how my body feels, not what my mind *thinks* about what my body is feeling.

If I don’t know why I feel depressed, moving helps me feel relief

There is a big difference here, and I think this is why movement is so powerful. Our bodies have stored every little detail of everything we have experienced in our lifetime. So sometimes when we feel so incredibly depressed and don’t know why, it is because our bodies were triggered and our bodies are remembering something that needs to be felt and released. This leads to relief and freedom! So many times I have felt so depressed and I drive myself INSANE trying to figure out why. My mind makes up all kinds of scenarios, but none of these stories feel true in my body. My mind is capable of making me believe just about anything, but if I don’t feel it in my body, it doesn’t really feel quite true.

My body needs to move!

Movement is what our bodies love. When we allow our bodies to just flow, just move how they want to, our mind turns off. This is the beauty of moving. I have always been a person who feels better after I exercise. However, this movement that I am talking about is NOT about exercise. It does exercise your body, to be sure, but that is not the point of it. The point is to let your body express itself, let your body be free, and give your mind a break from the stories that are not true. Allowing your body to hear music and move without judgment is like finding a treasure within a pile of junk. I can see and feel that this is one component of healing depression that is essential. Expressing myself in this way is so freeing. It helps me move energy that is stuck in my body.

This is not about what you look like when you move

It is so important to remember that this is not about what you look like when you dance and move. It is not about what you wear or what music is the right music. It is just about finding something that feels comfortable and allows you to move around freely. It is about finding music that speaks to you, and finding a space where you feel safe and free to move as your body wants to. Lock the door if you need to, cover the mirrors, turn off the lights. It is ok to just stand there and wiggle your toes or your hands. Look at your hands when you wiggle them. Remember, there are no special moves or choreography, just follow your body, because it will lead you.

Sending an intention out to the Universe

For the last few months I knew that I wanted to move my body more than I was but I just wasn’t sure of the path. It is always interesting to me how resources and people show up in our lives as we put out intentions out there. I found a wonderful book called Dance- The Sacred Art: The Joy Of Movement As Spiritual Practice (The Art of Spiritual Living). It is on the book carousel on my site. It is exactly what I was looking for. I am also incorporating some yoga into my morning routine before I meditate. My body finally yelled loud enough for me to hear! My truth is popping out everywhere, and it feels wonderful!!!!!!! I feel more confident, authentic, and true to who I really am.

Gabrielle Roth

Start here by listening to Gabrielle Roth’s The Power Wave. I use an Ipod so that I don’t really hear outside distractions, but do whatever feels good to you! You can also download her song called Body Parts. It is excellent to help you focus on each body part. I couldn’t find a youtube video of that one. Imagine all of the other people you are connecting to when you are dancing! Incredible! Leave any judgments or expectations at the door. They are not allowed in. Only your true self (which is perfection!) and your incredible body. Have fun!

There is also a really easy song to dance around to called “C’mon” by Renee and Jeremy , under “featured videos”. It is such a good feeling song!! Shake your booty, you will be so pleasantly surprised and filled with joy!

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