Depression is an accumulation of past traumas, experiences, and repressed emotions stuck in your body

Written by Amie on October 30, 2010 – 7:33 pm -

Processing the underlying stuck emotions

This might be a long post! Please keep reading, as I want to share an  experience I had because I think it might be really helpful to those who are suffering deeply with depression. Once again, it has been awhile since I’ve written. I need to go inward quite often, and I just haven’t been feeling the urge to write. But, now I am, so here I go! I am currently reading The Presence Process for the second time, and it is helping me open up to so much clarity. I have dealt with anger in the past, but nothing like the rage I have been processing lately. The book doesn’t really discuss rage specifically, but doing this process has brought up rage and grief for me. I feel grateful that I am ridding my body of emotions that have been trapped in there for years. I can see clearly now that in order to really “recover” from depression, I must process all of the underlying emotions that are stuck in my body. This does not mean that I have to “rehash” all of my childhood experiences or that I need to try to remember specific details of my whole life. It means that I must allow myself to feel. It means I must allow myself to accept that I am human and I have emotions. We all do. Unfortunately, we have been taught to ignore them, push them away, and basically act as though we are not human. To take away our emotional side means to take away our humanness.

My depression gets really bad seemingly “out of the blue”

Many people have said to me that they feel fine, and then “out of the blue” they feel extremely depressed again. They are confused as to why this happens. I used to wonder the same thing. I would have some good days, maybe a few weeks of feeling relief, and then boom! it would knock me to my knees again, and I would be in a very deep dark place. It has become clear to me that we have so many “unconscious” things going on in our bodies. I think our bodies get to a point where they just can’t stuff anymore repressed emotions inside. Our souls get to a point that they just aren’t willing to help us hide the truth of who we really are anymore. It is exhausting trying to stuff down, hold in, hold back, be quiet, suck it up, stop being so sensitive, stop being different, and basically just be someone we’re not. Years of acting makes for depressed, stressed out humans. Hiding ourselves is exhausting. Hiding the fact that we hate what we are doing, we don’t agree with so much of what is going on around us, and we are not who people think we are is exhausting! Having to defend who we are is exhausting! NEWS ALERT: NOBODY HAS TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

I am being triggered, and I need to FEEL

The Presence Process has taught me that anytime I am emotionally upset, it is because of a past situation (usually childhood) that needs to be felt and processed or “integrated”. In the past when I felt anger I would run from it. I would talk about my anger and I would write about it but I stopped short of processing it. I didn’t really allow myself to FEEL it. What did the anger feel like in my body? I have talked in the past about feeling the sensations in your body. I wrote about it, and I remembered to do that on occasion, but I can see now that I wasn’t going far enough with the feeling part. I skipped the most vital part. In order to really get through depression, or heal it, or whatever you choose to call it, it is imperative to “feel”. It is also imperative to accept the fact that you feel like shit. It has become clearer to me that I wasn’t really accepting that I was so depressed at times that I thought death might be better than staying here if it meant more suffering. Now I know that in order to lessen my suffering, I had to accept where I was (in a very deep dark place), accept that this is how I felt right then, FEEL the sensations in my body (tightening in my stomach, headache etc), and then just BE with this. Just feel. And Breathe! Don’t put stories with the feelings, don’t try to explain away what you are feeling, don’t judge, don’t do things to try to make it go away (eat too much,drink too much, drug yourself, shop, etc). Just let it be, and let it pass through you. I promise it will pass through if you just allow it some space. And, reminding myself that, “this too shall pass” , sometimes helps.

My son wants to go to a party

I want to share an experience with you because I think it might help you see what I mean when I say that an emotional upset today is because of a past situation that needs to be processed. We are constantly being triggered by people around us. This is the Universe’s (or Presence) way of trying to help us evolve and move beyond seeing ourselves as separate from everyone else. Presence activates triggers for our own benefit. So, back to my experience. My son was asking to go to a party at a girl’s house that I had never met. I had never met her parents either. My son had previously told me about the girl, and told me some things that made me think her Mom might not be the best influence for young teens. My son and I have always had a “partnership” type relationship. I am not the authority figure telling him what to do and what is good for him. We work together so that he can have autonomy and freedom to be who he is while having me as a support person who he can trust. I just wanted to say that in order to point out how out of the ordinary my behavior was in this particular situation. I told him that I didn’t want him to go to the party, and gave him reasons that looking back now, made no sense! I was reacting, not responding to him. I was being triggered by him in a way that was pushing me to either see the correlation and step away to have some time to process my feelings, or risk him losing trust in me. I have to say that as I was arguing with him (which is extremely rare), I heard myself saying (in my head), “this is not how I want to be with my son, leave the room.” It was as though I was outside of my body. I knew it didn’t feel like “me” talking, so this gave me a very big clue that I was being triggered, and past experiences were telling me to notice.

RAGE, GRIEF, ACCEPTANCE

I went to be by myself after this. I allowed myself to just sit and be with my emotions. When I feel this triggered (my body almost shaking with nerves, my stomach tight, my head pounding a bit), I move my body. I put my Ipod in my ears, and I dance or just stand and shake my body. This really helps move the emotions. After I moved for a bit, I sat and sobbed for a bit (also very helpful in cleansing the body of stuck emotions). I didn’t “try” to figure out what was going on. However, after about 30 minutes of moving and sobbing, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks! I was able to see that my beautiful son was mirroring something for me. He triggered feelings in me that I had forgotten long long ago. I had learned to just live with these repressed feelings because I learned that my emotions were not important, that I should just “live with it”, “it is what it is” kind of thing. The rage that came out of me was so powerful! It felt so good! It reminded me that I DO have power. The message I heard from deep within my body was that I fought and fought to feel loved as a child. I got the impression from the adults around me that I was not important or special, or worth loving. I tried to do things to get “seen” . As a young child, I was the good girl who was the peace maker, the one who tried to make things easier and better so that everyone would be happy. My son triggered that part of me that felt unwanted, and unloved. I went through intense rage, grief, acceptance, and then love for myself and the little girl that missed out on nurture and love. I can see now how very important it is to allow myself that rage because it has re-awakened my will to take back my power from all of the people who taught me that my feelings didn’t matter when I was a child. I am grateful that I see very clearly now that I am responsible for my emotions and my life. The past can’t be changed, but it can be processed and grieved and transformed into self-love and acceptance. YES, I am lovable and YES I have the power to change my life!

Don’t be afraid to feel rage; it allows you to take back your power!

This is getting pretty long, so I think I will wrap it up. There was a lot more to the “trigger”, but it is so difficult to write and explain in words. I am so grateful for my children and their beautiful nature that keeps them in the present. They are my teachers. They are so lovable that I am able to give them so much love that I even have some left over for myself. I am convinced that our children are here to teach us, not the other way around. I apologized to my son and even tried to explain what had happened. He knows that I am working on “my stuff”. He understands that when I have an outburst, it is not about him. It is about me, and those triggers that I can now see as a gift. So, don’t be afraid to rage (as long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else), and to grieve for what you missed out on or for what you lost.  And, most importantly, don’t be afraid to take back your power. It is YOURS. You get to decide what is best for you. Others around you might not like your choices, but that’s OK. We are all different, even though we are all connected. 

A video giving a short overview of what the Presence Process by Michael Brown is:

And “Emotional Processing”


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The truth of the Universe is inside you and it is called unconditional love

Written by Amie on October 6, 2010 – 1:14 am -

I was in tears

I was listening to a story today about orphaned baby elephants. First, I must tell you that I adore elephants. I love how they are so similar to us and how they are so bonded to each other, and they stick by each other and support each other. I just think they are absolutely remarkable. So, I was listening to the story and I became choked up when they were talking about how the orphans are released back into the wild, but that they have such a strong bond with the humans that raised them as their own. Once the babies are released, they still come back to visit the humans for different reasons. One reason would be if they have a new baby. They want to share their happiness with their human “family”. They come back if they are injured because they know their humans will help them. They come back during a drought because they know they will be taken care of and given water. I was literally in tears listening.

THIS is the truth of the Universe

I am very sensitive to all things involving animals and love. I thought that was the reason I was crying. But when I really listened to the answer that came to me when I asked , “why am I crying”, (not that it really matters, because when we cry it doesn’t always matter *why*, it is *always* cleansing, but I was curious), I got the response, ” THIS is the truth of the Universe, THIS feeling you have is the feeling that we are *all* connected, you are crying because of happiness and because of sadness. The happiness is that we are unconditional love when we are able to *see* the truth through the eyes of the Universe. We are all connected in a way that is instinctual, IF our instinct hasn’t been conditioned out of us. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have questioned *why* I was crying. I would have assumed I was crying because there was something wrong with me, I was *too* sensitive, I was weird for crying at such a story. THESE are the conditioned beliefs that I have been working on healing. On some deep level, I knew the truth. I *wanted* that feeling of the connection between the elephants and the humans, or even the connection between the elephants themselves. It has been said that elephants are telepathic with each other…..hmmmm

people really see that our world is in disarray *because of* the disarray of our dysfunctional minds.

This is the reason I was sad. I know that our world has much work to do before we can all get to the point of trusting ourselves enough to trust each other. I know that we have a long way to go before people really see that our world is in disarray *because of* the disarray of our dysfunctional minds. I know that so many people are working on healing their old conditioned beliefs, the beliefs that are so mis-guided. The chaos inside our heads is shown to us everyday on the news, in the newspapers, and by the people talking constantly about the negativity. Inside chaos=outside chaos. The craziness in our world right now is the mirror of the craziness going on inside most people’s heads. Until we are all able to heal the dysfunction in our minds, the connection that exists between all living beings and things cannot be seen clearly by all. We get glimmers of it. We are able to *feel* the truth at times-the truth of holding a newborn baby for the first time, the feeling of a connection with someone who loves you unconditionally, the feeling of your pet when they trust you 100% and love you no matter what time you feed them and whether or not you pet them enough. Hold on to these feelings-they are real! They are *who we really are*. All of that other crap that is put on us by society, by our parents, by teachers, by adults, by anyone else-is just that *complete crap*!!!!! The reason so many people are depressed is because instinctively on a deep level their body *knows without a doubt* what true unconditional love feels like. Your body is giving you a huge red flag when you are depressed. You are depressed because you are living a life that is going away from the universal truth within us all. The truth that you are loved 100% all of the time, NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what you have done in your life, no matter what your childhood story is, no matter what non-verbal and verbal messages you heard, even if you are still hearing those messages and you are 85 years old.

we are love-we are here to love and to be loved

Inside of you resides the truth of who we really are-we are love-we are here to love and to be loved. We are expressions of one universal truth. Every single one of us is here on purpose. You were created ON PURPOSE, so matter what message you were led to believe. Any other message is a total crock of doodoo (big huge elephant doodoo, I must say). Make no mistake, our truth is what the elephants know. They know that they love each other, they need connection with each other, they mourn each other when one passes, but they also know that we are all in this together, and we are all connected on a very deep deep level. Namaste, my friends. I am honored to be a part of you, and thank you for being a part of me.

If you would like to adopt a baby orphan elephant go here:

http://www.sheldrickwildlifetrust.org/

Abraham-Hicks The Great Awakening

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