Overflowing with love-showing my authenticity!!!!!

Written by Amie on October 30, 2011 – 1:11 am -

 I had been dimming my shiny self

I ended up going to the Suicide Prevention walk last weekend. The morning of the walk was really difficult. Once we started walking, I was much better. I’m still not sure if I am glad I participated, but I am happy that I spent time with my whole family. I was meditating the day after we returned home and it hit me! I had one of those “a-ha” moments that resonated deep inside me. Throughout my journey of healing from depression, I have come to realize that I have been conditioned to “dim my light”. By this, I mean I hide part of my authentic self. I have done so much healing around this, and I am much much better at being who I really am. This weekend it became so clear to me just how much I have been dimming my shiny self. I am in a place right now where I am able to really take a step back to observe my interactions with others. I think this is why it was so obvious to me how I have learned to “turn down” my overflow of love.

 I *knew* on an intellectual level that I must have been doing this most of my life

I truly felt so much love for each member of my family, and for every person I came into contact with during the weekend. I caught myself falling into my conditioned habit of turning down my joy and happiness in order to match that of the other person. It became so clear to me how I learned to dim my inner light so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. I learned to shut off the happy joyful side of myself because those around me might not be feeling so happy. This was such a huge realization for me. I *knew* on an intellectual level that I must have been doing this most of my life, but I had never *seen* it with such clarity. I can see how this all goes hand in hand with depression. I have written so much on here about depression hanging around until a person decides to be honest with themselves and others, and to be authentic and show their truth. I was still sort of shocked, but in a really relieved kind of way, to see this in action, so to speak. For example, someone would come up to me to talk, and I would gauge their mood, and then act accordingly. If I felt as though I was feeling happier than they did, I would tone down my own happiness. Wow, I can’t believe I was doing this for so many years! No wonder I was so depressed!

How could it ever be a bad thing to show how happy I am?

It is clear to me now that I learned to feel guilty if I felt happy and joyful. Just typing those words feels so sad and makes me angry as well! How could it ever be a bad thing to show how happy I am? It all comes back to receiving the message that in order to be loved, I need to change who I am. If I want to feel accepted, I need to change in order to be acceptable in the eyes of others. Well, let me just say, this is no longer a reality in my life. I feel so happy and full of joy right now. The contrast is unbelievable! How low I felt a few years ago compared to now. I never thought I would feel this good! I know there will be more “layers” of processing that will show up, so I am enjoying this! There will always be emotions and experiences to process, but I do believe the worst of it is behind me now.

When someone is depressed, my first suggestion is to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs going through their mind

Since I have become more aware that I do this, I am able to talk to myself and remind myself that it is ok to be exactly who I am. It is the other person’s problem if they are uncomfortable with my joy! Being joyful and happy is my birthright and your birthright! We do not ever have to change in order to fit someone else’s reality. Again, it is not my problem if someone is uncomfortable with how good I feel! It is so important to become aware of the habits and the beliefs and the thoughts we have. When someone is depressed, my first suggestion is to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs going through their mind. Then question the validity of these. Acknowledge your truth, and then begin taking baby steps to act upon your truth. We all have a right to be happy and to express our truth!!!

 

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Awareness, Depression, Healing & personal growth | No Comments »

Grieving

Written by Amie on October 22, 2011 – 12:00 pm -

Waves of grief

I wanted to write because this subject feels very alive in me right now. I am going this weekend to participate in a walk for Suicide Prevention. My brother committed suicide 4 years ago. I have not gone to one of the walks yet, I just couldn’t. There is a chance I may not be able to go this time either, we will see. A few weeks ago when I decided that I felt like going this time, it felt “right”. However, now that I am just a day away from actually going, I am having second thoughts. And I am having many many tears. Tears are good, but man, the wave of grief is big. I just keep reminding myself to breathe. I am trying to stay out of my head, and just let the feelings come and go. I guess this is like riding the waves. As long as I stay out of the commentary in my head,  I am able to just feel the sensations in my body. I trust the sensations to give me the “answers” I need. If I trust my body, it will let me know whether or not I want to go to the walk.

Breathing becomes the only thing we can do 

I am always surprised when I get these rushes of grief.  I’m not sure why I am surprised, but I am, nonetheless. I am not sure why the walk is affecting me so deeply. Usually it is my brother’s birthday, or the anniversary of his death (which is the day after my birthday) that sends me back to the waves of grief. Grief is such an interesting emotion. It feels different than sadness to me. When I tune into my body I feel the grief in the deepest part of my being. It comes from that place in my soul where the whole universe lives. The part of me that is connected to everything and everyone. The place where there are no words, just feeling. My heart hurts when I am in this place, but I know it will pass if I just let it be there. Right after my brother died, it was difficult to just remember to breathe. My body was holding onto my breath in hopes of stopping time in hopes of bringing my brother back. Hold on, hold your breath, maybe it will stop what is happening. Breathing becomes the only thing we can do sometimes. In times of deep grief, it is more than enough to just keep breathing in and out. Breathing moves the energy through the body. It is so important to remind ourselves to breathe. It is amazing to me how many times I have to remind myself to breathe. It seems like it should not be something I have to tell myself to do.

Trust

I trust the universe to show me what I need to do this weekend. It always does. I will stay with my feelings of grief and I will keep breathing and keep nurturing myself. Those are things I have control over. I trust that I will know what path to follow. I know my brother is with me no matter what I decide. I feel him around me when I tune in to the silence deep inside me. Keep breathing……trust…..love……and just be. This too shall pass (until the next wave)…and all is well.

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Nurture yourself, Self-love | No Comments »
RSS