Suppressing inner beauty and truth

Written by Amie on December 27, 2011 – 2:23 am -

holding in those sensitive, heartfelt feelings I feel

I had another a-ha moment the other day. I have had the same one before, but this felt like it reached a much deeper level of a-ha. (haha) I was getting ready to send a note back to someone who sent me an e-mail. I wanted my note to reflect the sincere heartfelt feelings I felt at that moment. Instead, I found myself questioning whether or not to send my note back exactly as I wanted it. For about 30 seconds my mind told me not to send my note as I had written because the other person might think I am being insincere (because it might sound “too nice”), or they may think I am weird for saying the words I wanted to say, or they may think I am wanting something in return from them. Wow, where did all of this come from, I asked myself. I went ahead and sent the note exactly as it came to me. Then, I pondered the messages I heard in my mind. It took about a minute to realize they were a part of my conditioning. I learned to protect my inner truth by holding in those sensitive, heartfelt feelings I feel when someone or something brings joy to my life. I had learned to cover up my heartfelt emotions when I witness something beautiful, witness someone expressing kindness to another person, hear a beautiful story, see a beautiful piece of art, hear a beautiful piece of music, or feel a deep connection with another person.

how deeply I feel things

I felt very sad about this realization. This a-ha moment felt like it hit a deeper level than when I discovered it a few years ago. A few years ago I came into the truth of seeing how deeply I feel things. Up until that point I believed the conditioned message that I was “too sensitive”, and that there was something weird about me for caring deeply for others (all living beings). I learned to shut down my inner truth so I would appear to be “like everyone else!” Sad. The other day I got to the deeper understanding of why I really needed to shut this side of me down. I was able to step back to see this as another way of protecting myself. I learned that when I show my true self-the one who is sensitive and compassionate and awake to others, most people could not meet me at that place in my heart. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, and sometimes seeing someone else’s truth can make a person feel too vulnerable. I understand this reaction. So, why would I want to continue giving away my sacred inner truth to people who aren’t capable of really “seeing” me? In order to protect this part of me, I had to learn to shut it off.

I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me 

I feel so much gratitude for the awareness I have at this point in my life. I feel so grateful for the change in my thinking that allows me to “see” those comments I was telling myself about worrying what someone will think of me. The truth is, I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me anymore. It is not my problem if someone thinks I am being “too nice”, or “too sensitive”. Those reactions are not really about *me*, they are the other person’s issue to deal with. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, and some people are not able to meet others in a place of open-heartedness (is that even a word?! It is now!). It can feel very scary for some people. I understand that, and I respect that. However, it will not stop me from being who I am and who I need to be. If I feel like telling someone I love them or that I appreciate them, I will do that. It is up to them how they respond to me. And, it is up to me how *I* respond to their response. Hope that makes sense!

Gaining self-love by showing inner beauty to those I trust

Over the past couple of years, I have started really trusting certain people with my inner beauty. I have learned to show my inner self to the outer world. I am careful who I show myself to however. When I meet people, I do so with an open heart and with love, but if I don’t feel safe around them, I will not show them the fullness of my heart. So, although I am very open to people, I also conserve my energy for only those I trust and feel safe being vulnerable with. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I also go by the very true quote by Maya Angleou that says, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” So, it is possible to live with an open heart, but to protect yourself at the same time. I will not be open with someone who doesn’t care to see me as I am. It is that simple. I will give with all of my heart to those who are willing to be vulnerable and are willing to honor my inner beauty and truth. If there are people in your life who are not able to see you and accept you exactly as you are, it may be time to question whether or not they are deserving enough to be in your life.

 

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Getting past the pretending to discover gratitude

Written by Amie on December 16, 2011 – 5:41 pm -

“When we understand that the ability to live with any situation is not in what happens, but in our relationship to ourselves and our own minds, we are free. Absolutely, breathtakingly free.” ~ Geneen Roth

 

I seemingly “had everything I needed”

When I was feeling depressed and hopeless, gratitude was very difficult for me to even consider. I did not feel grateful for much during that time, even though I seemingly “had everything I needed”. It made me feel guilty when I couldn’t get to the feeling of being grateful for everything I had. I thought I should be the most grateful person in the world. I used this as just another way to beat myself up. I would tell myself things like, “you should be grateful, how can you not be grateful? You have such an easy life.” Now that I am on the other side of depression, it is clear to me the pattern I followed my whole life. I kept pretending everything was okay. The pattern was set early in my life. “You have everything you need, so don’t complain. Just smile and get on with it!” I did this for most of my life. I did the things others expected of me, and lived my life in pretend land.

“if you can’t be happy in this situation, what is wrong with you?

I had even convinced myself I was happy. Then reality hit. My heart and soul would no longer agree with the lies my mind was telling me. My heart and soul started getting louder than my mind. Something was way off. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first. I tried to continue telling myself the lies that had worked up until this point. “You are so fortunate, you *should* be happy.” Then the voice of the judge took over to tell me how bad I was for wanting anything other than what I had, even happiness. “There is something terribly wrong with you if you can’t be happy in this situation, what is wrong with you?” On and on went the mean voices, trying to convince me *not to* explore any further. The mind does not like to be questioned. This is the ego, (or the “pain-body”, according to Eckhart Tolle) and it is very strong. Once I started questioning everything, my mind would try to push back against me, trying to convince me not to question my life. The mind (or ego, or pain-body) likes being comfortable; which means, “keep doing the same thing you have always done.” It really is like fighting a separate person for awhile. However, the more I kept questioning, the quieter and quieter my mind got. The more I questioned, the more I needed to process my feelings around the things I questioned. This doesn’t mean having to figure anything out. I just had to *feel* my feelings about the things that came up. There were times when I felt worse before I felt better, but slowly the mind started to quiet down.

don’t worry so much about “getting it right”

I sat down to write about gratitude today, so I am going to skip ahead to that now! I want you to know, I didn’t go from being completely depressed for years to suddenly feeling gratitude. I have written about my process in past posts, and will write about it in future ones. I know it can be very difficult to feel gratitude if you don’t love yourself. So, please be gentle on yourself if you are “trying” to feel gratitude but you don’t feel it is genuine. Just keep going through the exercise of thinking of things you *could possibly* be grateful for. Don’t worry so much about “getting it right”. There is no “right”. If something makes you feel good even for a split second, say to yourself, “I’m grateful for that”. Please, please, please don’t use this exercise as a way to beat yourself up. Everything in this process of waking up from depression is part of the journey. Nothing is right or wrong, it just “is”. So there is no need to try to do it right. Just be grateful for yourself in this moment, be grateful for your breath, be grateful that you can stand, or walk, or sit, or see….start with the seemingly “small” things that will at some point feel like the biggest, most important. Just say it and let it go…I’m grateful for…….the gift of……..YOU!

“fake it til you make it” 

The true feeling of gratitude will come in time. I now feel gratitude every single day. I really *feel* it in my body. I used to just say it, but not feel it. Now I feel it. I want to share with you what I do each day because it is so powerful in my life. In this case, I do agree with the “fake it til you make it” saying. I do think it is beneficial to find things to be grateful for each day, even if you can’t get to the feeling of it. Keep trying, but without judgment of yourself. So what if you can’t come up with anything except the blanket covering you right now. It’s all okay! One day, you will start feeling gratitude, and it will feel so good!

my process

Each day I sit down and write one whole page of what I am grateful for. I just make a list. Some days I have the same things as the day before, but I still write them out new each time. Some days I may have a completely new list. Some days I may have trouble coming up with a whole page, but I keep at it until I fill my page. And I always feel better when I finish. The other day I started writing the words, “I am grateful for, “the gift of” , instead of just writing the words, “I am grateful for”. I can’t believe the difference in how this felt in my body. Just adding the words “the gift of” made me feel even more grateful. It was amazing to me how different it felt to think in terms of receiving a gift. It was a new perspective to me. I feel surrounded by abundance. I receive so many gifts each day, every moment. Right now I am receiving the gift of connection, the gift of breath, the gift of sight, the gift of warmth, the gift of feeling vulnerable, the gift of the sweet taste of chocolate, etc etc. These are all gifts to be grateful for. I wanted to put this out there in case in helps you in your process. Let me know what you think!

***you are loved….you are perfect as you are…..I am grateful for the gift of your presence……all is well…..breathe…..receive the gift of yourself……you are love…..***

“Being Ourselves”

 

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