at the heart of depression is a deep need to feel loved and to be nurtured.

Written by Amie on November 19, 2012 – 2:31 am -

at the core of the self hate

I have been doing a lot of thinking about depression lately. I am feeling extremely grateful for the peace I have been feeling for quite awhile. It is interesting how my perspective has changed lately. Maybe it isn’t that my perspective has changed, maybe it is that I have peeled away enough layers that I am hitting the deepest core of where my depression was truly coming from. I know that self hate seemed to be the “culprit” so to speak. However, at the core of the self hate is something even bigger. I am sort of “thinking out loud” here, trying to put my feelings into words. Right now I am feeling these things in my body, and trying to process them into words. So I understood that self hate was the end result of years of hiding my true self and acting as though all was well, all while feeling like I was going insane inside myself. So, I began peeling away the layers to discover where all of the negative thoughts I was having actually formulated. And my journey to “healing my depression” began. I hesitate to call it healing because I truly think recovering from depression is synonymous with discovering the true beauty of who you really are.

we all need to be loved and nurtured

Back to the “something even bigger” I mentioned above. For the last few months I have been feeling really disconnected from my inner voice, my intuition, my connection to source (choose your own label here). I wasn’t able to meditate, I felt anxious some of the time, I felt heavy energy around me for no obvious reason, and I really just felt “out of sorts”. I realized that I had really lost trust in the universe. I wasn’t trusting that all was well. I was feeling it was unsafe to meditate because I had lost trust that there was a safe connection to the Universe (Hopefully you will stay with me here as I try to explain) I was feeling very disappointed and sad. It took me a few months of continuing to sit, even though meditation wasn’t happening, to gain clarity. I still sat day after day with no expectations. In the last week or so it has been slowly revealed to me why I lost trust. I realized that deep in my inner being, I was disappointed in the universe. I was disappointed that people could be so heartless as to treat others with such unkindness. (even when I understand the reasons behind it) I felt the deepest sadness I have ever felt. I felt so sad for all children (children today, and the adults who, as children, didn’t get their needs met). I was feeling so sad that so many people are depressed today because they desperately need the nurturing they never received as children. I felt sad because we all need to be loved and nurtured, and the majority of people do not receive this, even as adults.

at the heart of depression

I am still having a hard time putting this into words. Maybe what I am saying is that at the heart of depression is a deep need to feel loved and to be nurtured. If you grow up without these things, you start to create thoughts and beliefs about yourself that become the negative voices in your head that develop into self hate. (Please let me say that I am not here to blame anyone for not nurturing their children enough. I believe every parent does the absolute best they are capable of. Most parents also did not receive the nurturing and love they needed in order to thrive, so the cycle can repeat itself until the cycle is broken,which (in my opinion) is how depression is “genetic”. I wrote about this here.  Okay, so, I have come to see that when I lost trust in the universe, I lost trust in life itself. When this happens, there is a feeling of hopelessness. I used to feel hopeless when I was deeply depressed, but this reached a different part of me. I wasn’t feeling depressed, I was just disappointed and sad. I wasn’t sure where to go with my feelings. So, I sat with them and I allowed myself to go through some anger (at the whole world!), which led me back to this deep sadness and disappointment. And, I felt the sadness….

it is definitely not all doom and gloom

I am honestly not sure yet where I am going with this. Maybe I am still processing it all. It is definitely not all doom and gloom.  I still *know* without a doubt that I am connected to the Universe, every single part of it. I am allowing myself to see that I can be sad, and I can still be connected and safe. In fact, the more I allow myself to feel these true emotions, the stronger I feel. Because, guess what? Each time I feel my truth and acknowledge it, more of the real me emerges. I am able to see that I am the incredible person I am today because I went through the things I went through. Yes, it is sad that we all weren’t nurtured and given the love and the feeling of safety that was needed in order to feel self love. But, I can assure you that no matter what your age, you can nurture yourself so that you can rediscover that beautiful being hiding inside you right now. That being is still there, just waiting for you to welcome her/him back. I know I will be continuing this in another post, as clarity reveals itself more and more. But please, from my words, please take this message of truth;  just because you didn’t receive the nurture and love you needed (and maybe you still aren’t receiving it now), does not mean you aren’t lovable. It does not mean you don’t deserve to be nurtured and loved. I know it feels like that at times, trust me, I know. I know for sure that you are pure love, you always have been, and you always will be. Please be gentle on yourself as you discover ways to nurture yourself and ways to receive nurture from others. It is a new way of being for most people, so please be easy on yourself. I love you!

 

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The world has been missing you; begin your journey to discovering the real you

Written by Amie on November 13, 2012 – 2:20 am -

you will start feeling better the minute you decide to start listening to your inner voice

It is exciting to hear about so many people waking up to discover who they really are. I love the thought of people waking up to realize their depression can be “fixed”. Believe me, I know how bad depression can feel, and I know how sometimes it feels as though you will never feel better and what is the point? I am here to say, “please hang in there, you will start feeling better the minute you decide to start listening to your inner voice”. We are living in an exciting time. Trust me, I know it doesn’t feel that way. It feels pretty chaotic right now. I describe it as the storm before the calm. I have been feeling heavy energy for a few months now. My belief is that we, as humans, are waking up at an accelerated speed. Depression is high, anxiety feels unbearable, and people seem to have temporary insanity! lol It is temporary, I do believe that. I have been a witness to several people waking up to realize that all they thought was true really isn’t. It is disheartening for them at first, then they may feel angry, and then they figure out a new way of “being”. And then they wonder why the heck didn’t anyone tell them about this whole other way of being? The answer to that is they weren’t ready until now.

you are depressed because you have buried yourself

Why am I talking about this? Because I want to reassure those who are suffering deeply right now that things will get better and easier. This is true if you are willing to look inside yourself and listen. This is true if you are willing to acknowledge those feelings that you think others may disagree with or may dislike. This is true if you decide that you deserve love, you deserve to be nurtured, and you deserve to express yourself exactly as you need to (assuming you are not intentionally hurting others, or physically hurting others!) I want to add that telling the truth to someone may cause them to blame you for “hurting them”. This is not what I mean  by intentionally hurting others. It is your right to express your truth. How another person responds to you is their truth. If you are willing to look at your life and be honest about the things that are bringing you down, you can begin to find the true soul that has been buried deep within you. You are depressed because you have buried yourself. Remember, it is perfectly understandable why you did this. You did it to protect yourself. At some point in your life, you came to the conclusion that you needed to protect yourself from being hurt by others. You have built in protection, and your body and mind knew exactly what to do so that you could cope with your life.

it is okay to feel angry

Depression is your soul’s way of screaming to you that it wants to be seen. And heard. It is tired of being beat up. You learned to beat yourself up for things that were out of your control. There are so many dysfunctional adults in our world, and they pass along messages of self-hate to their children. They really don’t do this intentionally. It happens because it is too painful for them to get help. It is okay to feel angry at the people in your life who conditioned you to believe there was something wrong with you. It isn’t always productive to express this to them, in my experience. If they have not grown emotionally, then it is mostly a waste of time and energy to tell them how you feel. So, in my experience, it is most helpful to work through these issues with a therapist or people who are also growing, and who see you and accept you and nurture you for who you are. You will truly be shocked at what you have been believing about yourself and those in your life. You will come to see that most of the thoughts in your head are just not true, and they came from other people. You will slowly begin to start questioning why you do everything you do, where your beliefs came from, and who your true self really is. Your depression will begin to fade as you begin to let your voice be heard. You will start to only allow those people in your life that truly support and encourage you to be your true self. You may discover how much you actually hate certain things you have been telling yourself you should love. Resentment will begin to be felt, and this is normal. You may be resentful that you  were conditioned to believe things that simply weren’t true.

discovering who you are is a process

Discovering your true self is an exciting process! It is the process children should be living as a normal rite of passage. Someday, this will be reality. But right now, at this point in the evolution of humans, this is where we are. We are waking up to see that we have been conditioned to hide so as to fit in or appear as though we have it all together.  Well, I say, give yourself permission to begin your process of discovering who you are. The world has been missing you! Start right now. Start by writing down some of the thoughts going through your head for ten minutes. Question them. If you think they are true, make yourself prove it. Pick one nice thing to say to yourself, and repeat it each time you say something negative. Repeat it, repeat it, and repeat it again, even when you don’t believe it. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you”, even if it doesn’t feel true and you feel goofy saying it. Do that as many times a day as you are willing, but do it at least once. Do one thing a day that feels nurturing to you. Take a walk, light a candle and sit in silence, watch a movie. Do something that feels good. Learn to meditate. There is no “right way”. Oprah had an interview with Deepak Chopra a week or so ago that teaches beginning meditation. And, guess what, you can start by sitting for one minute a day. It is easy to feel afraid to start something new. I understand this, especially when you are feeling really low. I get it, I promise you. But I also know that meditation changed my life. It can change yours too. And, it has nothing to do with religion, if that is an issue for you.

there is nothing wrong with you

So……I want you to know…there is nothing wrong with you…..and there is nothing wrong with you because you are suffering with depression right now……depression is just covering up the real you because you were conditioned to hide your truth. You true self is waiting to be re-discovered. Your true self is how you were born. I promise you…..you are loved….you are perfect exactly as you are…and your depression will begin to lift as soon as you being to look at your truth. Depression can be debilitating, I know from experience. I also know that I am more alive and more authentic than ever before in my life. I want to give you hope, because I *know* without one shred of doubt, that you can feel alive and happy and authentic too. Is it an easy road? Not always, I won’t lie to you. But is it worth it? HELL YES!!!!!

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