I am grateful

Written by Amie on July 29, 2013 – 3:31 am -

awareness 

Even though there was another “round” of dysfunctional behavior spewed at me yesterday, I am feeling very grateful. I am feeling very grateful for my journey of healing and growth. I am grateful for the awareness I have cultivated in myself. I did get triggered today because the person spewing was telling lies and throwing accusations at me based on lies. I do still get triggered at times especially when someone says very mean things about me personally. I’m still working on those triggers. I am grateful for my realization that I can choose not to take things personally. I am feeling grateful I was able to bring myself back to my truth in a much shorter time than in years past. I am grateful I was able to remind myself that these people are speaking from a very unhealthy, unconscious place. I am grateful I was present in myself enough to catch my reaction before I lost myself. Looking back, I wish I would not have engaged with them at all. I knew I would get exactly what I got, which was anger, denial and judgment. (one of the judgments was interesting; I was told this blog is garbage, which didn’t bother me in the least bit because I understand that my experiences probably triggered their own pain). I am grateful I was aware enough to know I was choosing to engage even though I already knew the outcome.

it is their “stuff”, not mine

I am grateful I knew to reach out to the people in my life who support me and know my journey. I am grateful I am aware enough to see that when others’ accuse me of things I know to be untrue, it is because they are projecting their own inner turmoil on me. I am grateful I know how to deflect their toxic words. I am grateful I understand where they are coming from and I am grateful I know to remind myself it is their “stuff”, not mine. I will not take on someone’s emotional pain and suffering. I am grateful I know not to do this. I am grateful I *know* without one shred of a doubt that I  am not responsible for other people’s baggage. I am grateful I am able to let go of the need to explain things to people who I know from past experience are not capable of hearing me. I am grateful for being aware enough to see that everyone is responsible for owning their own emotional pain. I am grateful I know I do not ever have to willingly put myself near people who continually hurt me and blame me for things I know I am not responsible for. I am grateful for the awareness of knowing that underneath anger and denial is always a person who is suffering deeply. I am grateful for the compassion I feel for the people close to me who are suffering underneath their anger and denial. I am grateful I learned to set boundaries with people who are not healthy.

I am grateful for my own projections

I am grateful I have healthy people in my life who support me and love me for who I am. I am grateful I know the difference between healthy behavior and unhealthy behavior. I am grateful that I am emotionally strong. I am grateful for the awareness I have. I am grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life. Many of them were excruciating, but had I not gone through these experiences, I would not be who I am today. I am grateful for the deep love I have for the person I am today. I am so grateful for the feeling of being loved unconditionally. I am grateful for the gift of truth. I am incredibly grateful for the courage I discovered within myself. I am grateful for the love I feel for myself. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned from my family even when they felt like very difficult lessons. I am grateful for the awareness and wisdom within me that I have learned to listen to and trust. I am grateful for the place inside me that knows when I accept “what is true”  in this moment I will reduce my suffering. I am grateful for my own projections because they allow me to learn more about the places in me that I am still working on healing. I am grateful, yes, I am grateful.

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 2 Comments »

Changing your inner voice to a loving, nurturing inner protector

Written by Amie on July 25, 2013 – 2:58 am -

I will always protect you

I learned very slowly how to begin nurturing myself with new inner messages. I listened to music that was nurturing, I repeated affirmations, I read books on self love, I collected statues and pictures and other items that represented being nurtured so that I would look at them and remember to say kind things to myself. It was not easy to be kind to myself, I have to be honest. Since I didn’t learn what it felt like to be nurtured, I didn’t know how to nurture myself. I also didn’t know what it felt like to have nurturing inner messages running through my head. There are many authors who describe having an inner mentor, or an inner coach, etc. I love Cheri Huber’s writings about this. When I began the process of becoming aware of my inner voice and of questioning what this voice was telling me, I didn’t think of this process as creating an inner advocate, or an inner protector, or whatever one chooses to call it. I was simply thinking in terms of  changing my thoughts into more positive thoughts. And then, suddenly, I was getting ready to meditate and I looked at a statue I have on my altar. It is a statue of a woman holding a young child in a rocking chair all covered in a quilt. It felt wonderful thinking of me being held like this. I felt so safe and protected and nurtured. This led me to think of what this woman might be saying to this young child. I imagined something like, “you are safe here in my arms, I will always protect you”, or “I love you so much, you are my love”. This gave me the best feeling. So, I decided to try talking to myself like this. Oh my goodness! It feels so good!! It is like this strong feminine force is with me, honoring me as I am  and validating my feelings, listening, helping me with fears or difficult feelings. Oh wow, I can’t tell you how good it feels. It takes practice to remember to do this, but it started to become a habit, and now this voice is what I hear most of the time. It is a practice, like yoga or meditation, or any other practice that a person does that makes them feel good.

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Love is who you really are

I want to share this with you because it has been life changing for me. I still had to process all of my emotions as they came up. However, I can tell you that this process goes much smoother when I talk to myself in a kind compassionate voice. It is amazing the feeling I have in my body when I talk to myself in a gentle, loving voice. It truly feels like I am being protected and nurtured and taken care of. I remember when I first started doing this, it felt very awkward even though I wasn’t talking out loud. Just hearing kind words in my head felt funny. This is very normal when we change a pattern that has been with us for many years. The more you practice, the more this new, loving inner voice will become the voice that you hear more often than the old, conditioned hateful voice. I began by saying things that I would want to hear from someone who loves me. I say things that I would love to hear from a nurturing, loving, supportive, accepting person. It feels very reassuring, and helps me feel more empowered. I hope you will begin practicing this today. Begin changing the inner voice of self hate to one of self-love. Love is what you were born with. Love is who you really are.

 

 

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