Surrender,accept,let go and remember self-love

Written by Amie on August 22, 2013 – 1:32 am -

“The way back to my real environment, the place where my soul was meant to exist, doesn’t lie through any set of codes I will ever find outside of myself. I have to look inward. I have to jettison every sorrow, every terror, every misconception, every lie that stands between my conscious mind and what I know in my heart to be true. Instead of clutching around me all of the trappings of a “good” person, a “successful” person, or even a “righteous” person, I have to be exactly what I am, and take the horrible chance that I may be rejected for it. I can’t get home by cloaking myself in the armor of any system; social, political, or religious. I have to strip off all that comforting armor and go on naked”. ~Martha Beck

 

the scary part

Another layer of healing and I feel like I am recovering faster each time. The pain is deep, but I don’t stay in the pain for very long. Crying is so healing and cleansing. First the anger, then the sadness, deep grieving, and then relief. I feel lighter each time. I remember a time when I would stay in the anger phase without allowing the raw feelings underneath to come to the surface. Staying in anger creates resentment and eventually depression. I know this now, and I continue to work on it. Allowing the raw feelings underneath the anger to surface is the scary part at first, but once they show themselves, great relief comes sooner. Anger is always a sign that there are needs not being met, a sign that something is not “right”. I think as a culture we have been taught that anger is bad, but I disagree. Anger is only an unhealthy thing if a person stays in the anger stage without processing the real feelings underneath, or if they act out of anger and harm another person. When used as a sign that something is off, anger is a wonderful tool.

incapable of really *seeing* me and *hearing* me

I was very angry last night. I received another letter from someone who has hurt me deeply but won’t acknowledge their part in the  hurt. This person denies ever hurting me. This person goes so far as to act completely perplexed as to why I am hurt. Hearing this hurts even more. At least it did temporarily. The anger turned to hurt and sadness pretty quickly. And then the grief hit today. The letter I received made it so clear that this person will not take responsibility for the hurt they have caused. The clarity helped me see that I need to let go of the hope that things can be any different. I surrender to what is. The facts keep being shown to me. The fact that this person is incapable of really *seeing* me and *hearing* me. And this person is incapable of taking ownership of the hurt they have caused. So for me, I accept them for who they are, but that doesn’t mean I will subject myself to further hurt. People continue to hurt others when they are incapable of noticing how their words and actions affect others. I understand, but that doesn’t mean I will choose to be with people who do this.

I love myself and I have compassion for myself

So, I continue to let go. It is a process to be sure. It is not easy, but it is getting easier. It is difficult to truly let go of the hope that things will change. But if I hold on to hope, it keeps me suffering. It keeps me in a holding pattern so to speak. Waiting and hoping. Not a healthy way to live. So, I surrender to what is, I let go, I accept, and I send healing and love to those who have hurt me. If I find myself wishing for something to be different, or wishing for someone to finally understand and take responsibility for their actions, I am not letting go. I am holding on. It is a slow process. I have to remind myself often to trust the Universe. Everything happens for a reason, everything unfolds exactly as it should. I continue and I trust. And I send more love to them. I hear what they say and I remind myself that they are in pain. I surrender. I accept. I let go. And most importantly, I love myself and I have compassion for myself. I honor all of my feelings, and I allow myself to feel however I feel without judgment.

a song that helps me process my emotions

I want to share this song with you that I listen to when I feel angry. It is helpful when I know there are deeper feelings underneath the anger wanting to be felt. It really helps me feel my anger and then let it go so that the feelings underneath can come up. The meaning of the song has nothing to do with why I listen to it. I feel the emotion in the song, and I believe this is the reason it is helpful for me when I’m angry and I am having trouble allowing my emotions to emerge. 

It is Dixie Chicks, “Not Ready TO Make Nice”

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Don’t tell me you love me if your actions don’t match your words

Written by Amie on August 10, 2013 – 2:57 pm -

“I get it, but I don’t *want* to get it”

I’m feeling angry and frustrated. Underneath the anger is grief. Very painful grief.  I have been grieving a lot over the past 6 years, and each time a new wave hits me, it feels like I am healing on a deeper and deeper level. I know I can’t change people, I can’t change their capacity to love, I can’t change the way they protect themselves emotionally. But it’s so hard to just accept this. It is so hard for me to accept that a person or people would choose to remain in their story rather than mend a life long relationship with people they claim to love.. I keep saying to myself, “I get it, but I don’t *want* to get it”. I don’t want to accept that someone would choose their lifelong pattern of living behind their armor of protection rather than figure out how to love authentically. I feel sad that people can’t experience love because they are in too much emotional pain. Pain that is blocking the heart from opening to deeper experiences. So I continue to feel my anger and frustration, which leads to feeling the real stuff underneath, which is deep grief and sadness.

I was this person years ago

I truly don’t feel like I am asking for much. I am simply asking for people to be real, be authentic, say what is true. And this is where the frustration comes in. I totally understand why many people are unable to do this. I was this person years ago. I was too afraid to be vulnerable. I was too afraid to share with anyone the pain I was feeling. It was too scary for me. So, I understand it. However, I also remember when my pain became too great. I thought I would die if something didn’t change. So this is where I come back to not fully understanding how losing people you keep claiming you love doesn’t catapult you into seeking help to support you in your struggle. I am not judging. I am just trying to wrap my head around it. And I keep coming back to the realization that some people have such deep pain that they just can’t entertain the thought of facing it. I get it. And I’m still sad.

suffering for years with depression

I am tired of hearing empty words. Words that make noise but say absolutely nothing. I am tired of the attempted reassurance that I am loved when the actions show otherwise. The words,”I love you” do not have to be spoken between two people when the love is authentic. Actions and the energy of the actions speak louder than words. Sure, it is nice to hear those words sometimes, but only if there is feeling with them. If someone tells me they love me and it feels like they are saying it because they think they should, I don’t hear their words, and I no longer trust them. If a person loves another person, it should be obvious in their actions. You can *feel* love. Love isn’t something to say in order to check it off a list of obligations. All I really want is to know who a person really is. All I really want is to feel the authenticity of a person when I am connecting with them. All I really want is for people to take off the armor and show me who they really are. And yet I know, this is not easy. All I know is that it is crucial if a healthy, loving relationship is to be had. How do I know this? Because I have experienced both ways, and I can tell you that one way sucks the life out of you, and the other way opens you so that you feel alive.

Who Are You?

I believe that underneath all of the armor we carry, is a human (a soul in a physical body) just wanting to be real with the person they are connecting with. Show who you really are. If the person you reveal yourself to doesn’t respond in a way that makes you feel safe, make a note to yourself that this person is someone you should not be vulnerable with, and possibly someone you can’t trust to be in your life. If you are afraid to say your truth then say that. Say, “I am really feeling afraid to say what is true for me.” Start *there*. This is being real. I think we were taught to believe that being real means to confess to a life of mistakes. In reality, I believe people just want authenticity and vulnerability with people they love. Just show your truth. Who are you? This is a great question to ponder. We have been conditioned to label ourselves. But try to go beyond that. Who are you really? *What* are you? 

My favorite spiritual teacher Gangaji on Who are you…really?

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