Our children come to us to help us heal

Written by Amie on May 19, 2014 – 3:01 am -

opportunities to grow and heal

The relationship between parent and child can be the most beautiful experience or the most painful. (And probably somewhere in between). It can be beautiful when we drop the notion that we can do no wrong because we are the parent. It can be beautiful when we allow the challenges in the relationship to show us the places in us which are not healed. It can be beautiful when we remember our children come to us in love and to help us heal. It is painful if we are unable to be vulnerable with them, to let them see our truth, let them see who we really are. Our children do not belong to us. It really is our job to become aware enough to see their “annoyances” or their actions as opportunities to grow and heal. It is not our job to break their spirit so they learn to conform to what we want them to be, nor is it our job to force our beliefs and/or our pain onto them. If we don’t face our own pain, and if we don’t come to understand how that pain has affected the relationships in our lives, then we are living from our place of pain. We react from this place of pain. We interact from this place of pain. We shield our hearts, which means we aren’t able to fully receive love. We go around covered in armor, protecting our hearts because we are afraid to appear weak, or afraid those we love will hurt us.

children come to teach us

Our children come to us to help us become who we really are, and to help us heal our past traumas. I believe children come to teach us, not for us to teach them. I believe children have so much to teach us, if we are willing to be vulnerable, if we are willing to put aside our ego, and put aside the thinking that, “we are the adult, we know more than children”, and the thinking that, “I am older and they should respect me”. I believe a person has to earn respect. If you give respect, you will receive respect. (another post in itself). So, why am I talking about this? Well, because I wish no matter how old we are, how old our children are, how old our parents are, that we can open to the idea of learning from each other no matter how long it takes to get to this decision. I wish adults could open their hearts, lay aside their old thinking, embrace their own emotional pain, and open their hearts to children, no matter what age they are. When a person gets stuck in the thinking that they are “weak” if they confront their emotional pain, then they are closed off to the opportunities to learn from those younger than they are. When a person is not confronting their emotional pain, there is no way to have a healthy, authentic relationship with a loved one.

motherandkids

spiritually and emotionally asleep 

When my kids were born I was spiritually and emotionally asleep so to speak. I was not in touch with who I was. There were hints here and there, but I began waking up after my babies were born, after I began bonding with them. I had never felt a connection as intense and as deep as the connections I had with my babies. It awoke something in me I had no idea was there. Feeling the bond with them triggered pain in me. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but it was there. When I say triggered, I mean that I had an emotional reaction when I was nurturing them. I soon realized that bringing babies into the world is the most powerful relationship there is. I believe kids come to us so that they can show us where our emotional pain is. They give us multiple opportunities to choose consciousness and awareness and presence. We can choose to look within ourselves to discover why we feel triggered, or we can become angry with our children and blame them for being difficult or demanding or whatever term we think fits.

look in the mirror

I believe no matter what age we are, it is possible to heal. It is possible to heal relationships no matter how long they have been in trouble. It is possible to wake up to discover the truth of who you really are. It is possible to put ego aside, take off the armor little by little, and have the courage to really look inside your heart to feel your emotional pain that has been buried. Each time you allow yourself to feel some of the pain, you become more awake, more conscious, more authentic. If you are struggling with relationships, especially those with family members, maybe it is time to look in the mirror to ask yourself, what am I needing to learn from this experience? Ask yourself, why is this situation so painful for me? Why am I so angry with this person? Why do I feel so emotionally charged when this person does something I don’t like? What pain are you living your life from? I just want to reassure you that being vulnerable with people who love you is one of the most beautiful experiences. Drop the stories you have told yourself about them and listen to what they say. It may or may not resonate with you. Either is ok. However, if your reaction is anger, this is a time to go beneath the anger to discover the true hurt that is hiding there.

 

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Posted in Awareness, Connection, Help with depression, Kids/teenagers and depression | 2 Comments »

Healing past emotional wounds that affect your present

Written by Amie on May 6, 2014 – 3:26 am -

We all have emotional wounds

Another very popular statement thrown around quite often today is, “stop living in the past”. It is another statement that irritates me. In some cases, sure, it is very possible to live your life in a way that only focuses on past events, traumas, etc. However, if you are depressed, chances are good that events, traumas, old beliefs, conditioning, etc. from your past, are affecting your life today. When you begin questioning, investigating, and reflecting on your life, this does not mean you are living in the past. This means you are courageous enough to look within yourself to uncover the wounds that are hindering your life today. We all have emotional wounds. They are to different degrees, but we all have them. It is part of being human in this world today. Many people are not willing to do the difficult and sometimes very painful work of self reflection. When we investigate our wounds, it doesn’t mean we are sitting around blaming others or staying stuck in the past. It means we are taking responsibility for our lives by looking at our wounds and feeling the accompanying emotions that were never felt. It means we are able to get through the pain, to the other side, which is our true self.

the truth keeps resurfacing

Sometimes it is easy to “talk” about things that happened to us. This isn’t the same as processing the emotions around these events. It is the hidden emotion underneath the “talking” that will heal. It is allowing ourselves to feel. It is expressing the emotions that were buried at the time of the true hurt. It is allowing ourselves to process the feelings that are coming up today even though the may have happened years ago. If we don’t allow the emotions to come to the surface to be felt, we are living in the past. The past is controlling our present. We can deny our past, we can “say” we processed it, we can pretend all is well. But the truth keeps resurfacing in different forms. It may show up in denial, depression, severe anxiety,debilitating fear, rage, isolation, over compensating by keeping extra busy, addictions, etc. When we keep trying to hold in those repressed feelings, we block our ability to heal. So this means really living in the past. It may appear as though you are living now, but in all honesty, you are merely functioning. You may tell others to stop living in the past, when in reality, it is you who lives in the past because the fear of feeling your truth is just too great.

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 peeking underneath the pain

I understand this completely. I remained in a severe depression because at first I didn’t know that I was burying my pain. I thought my depression stemmed from an inherent flaw in me. I was conditioned to believe that something was terribly wrong with me. I learned to turn my emotions inward. I learned to blame myself. I learned to pretend that all was well when it was nowhere close to being well. I told myself to keep looking to the future because it was sure to be better. Until my past wounds finally got such a deep hold on me that I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to begin the process of peeking underneath the pain to see and feel what was really there. One layer at a time. I revealed my core wounds. We all have them. This absolutely does not mean something is wrong with you or that you are bad. Thinking something is wrong with you or thinking you are bad or broken ; these are conditioned beliefs. They are not true.

What coping mechanisms do you have in place

You can begin healing your past by becoming aware of your beliefs, thoughts, and your wounds. What is the message you continually tell yourself? It may take work to discover this. What do you believe about yourself? Where did these beliefs come from? How do you interact with others? What do you feel in your body during interactions with others? How can you take responsibility for your emotions? (which gives you your power back) What coping mechanisms do you have in place that keep you from looking and feeling your truth? By this I mean do you keep yourself so busy or so focused on work or home or some other thing so as to make it impossible to have time to really look at your inner world? Do you eat too much so that you can then focus on how miserable you feel so as to take the focus off your feelings? Please know I am not judging. I have done many things in order to distract myself from feeling. I just want to throw some ideas out there.

In order to heal, you must first feel. There is no other way around it. It is hard work at times. Be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself. Love yourself every step of the way even when you don’t feel love for yourself. 

 

 

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Self-love | 4 Comments »
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