Attachment to depression

Written by Amie on September 4, 2009 – 12:06 am -

Point of reference

While I was driving today, this thought popped into my head, “I can see how it becomes comfortable to be attached to depression if you have been suffering with it for a long time.” This thought never would have occurred to me in the past when I was in the deep dark places that depression had taken me to. I was so wrapped up in trying to make it go away, that I really couldn’t think rationally. Now that I am in a good place most of the time, my brain is clearer, and I am able to see things in a “new light”, so to speak.  I was able to see and comprehend that this statement can very easily be true for many people. Of course, realising this doesn’t make the depression go away instantly, but at least it is one more point of reference in the healing process.

How do we describe ourselves?

I started thinking that if we suffer for years and years, depression can become a part of who we are when describing ourselves. It might be scary to think about who we would be without our depression. I know that there have been many times when I feel joy, and within a few seconds, the thought pops into my mind that says, “but you are depressed.” In the past, I would have listened to this voice, and my “bubble would have been burst.”  My rational mind would say, it’s okay to feel joy! In fact, that is your natural state of being.” However, the nasty negative voice has been in there longer, so I learned to listen to and believe it above all others.

Change can be scary

It can be scary at first when we change and grow. For me, there was a whole new mindset that I needed to adjust to. As I started healing from depression, I felt like a new person was emerging. I discovered all of the things about myself that I had kept hidden. I had forgotten about these parts of myself. There were many questions that came with this. Was my husband still going to love me if I change too much? Would I still have the same friends? How were things going to change in my life? When these questions took over my thought process, I would slip back into the dark places of  depression. The negative voice of untruth would convince me to fear all of these things and convince me to stay attached to the depression. It was safe, because I knew it, it was familiar.

Thanks, but no thanks

The negative voice would win because my true self wasn’t strong enough yet to overpower it. Slowly, my true self began getting stronger, and is now able to tell the negative voice, thanks, but no thanks. I felt like I was taking more responsibility for myself when I allowed myself to detach from the depression. I treat my depression like another person. In some ways, it really is another person, because it is the “self” that learned negative beliefs and thoughts about itself. I am who I am right now in this moment, which is exactly who I am supposed to be.  I am no longer that “self”, but that self still exists until I am able to completely let it go. I’m almost there I think. Most days, anyway!

Being Ourselves

It is not a bad thing to be attached to depression, it just is what it is. We will be able to completely let it go when we are ready to. As people heal from depression, they take back the power little by little that was given away. Therefore, it gives us more responsibility for ourselves, and more control over what we want to do with our lives. We rediscover what we love to do, we learn what things about our lives we want to change, we learn to stand up for ourselves and tell others where and what our boundaries are. All of these things give us our power back. As we take our power back, we learn to let go more and more of our attachment to depression. As we let go of the depression, self love shines through. When we heal the parts of us that cover up who we really are, our real “self” emerges. When we come from a place of our own truth, self love is abundant!

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