It’s OK not to know, and the cycles of depression

Written by Amie on October 27, 2009 – 12:48 am -

A light at the other end of the tunnel

For about the last week or so, I have felt as though I might be losing my mind! I have not felt this down in quite awhile. I was not able to clear my head as well as usual, but I am finally seeing the light at the other end of the tunnel. Once I allowed myself to just let my emotions flow, without having to know exactly what was going on, I felt relief. I cried a lot and just felt at peace with my sadness, anger, frustration, and every other emotion coursing through me! I felt freedom once I reminded myself to just “be”, just let myself sit and be with my truth. I was trying so hard to push my feelings away rather than just let them be. Sometimes I forget to do this. I get caught up in the “what in the heck is wrong with me, why am I feeling so crappy, what happened, what am I doing different, I was just feeling good a few days ago, I wish these feelings would just go away, I thought I was over this, I haven’t felt this bad in a long time, what is going on with me……” and the list goes on. Until, I allow myself to just accept that I feel bad. I remind myself that I am having emotions, and it doesn’t matter why. I can just allow them and they will eventually pass through. “This too shall pass!” Man, that is hard to remember when I am in the muck!

Extreme Compassion

Each time this happens, and I “fall off my cloud” of joyful bliss, I forget about giving myself a break. I forget to be gentle on myself and to treat myself with extreme compassion. Instead, my mind goes places that are the opposite of compassion. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders; I was convinced  I would never feel good again, that everything was wrong with me. All of the messages I thought were in the past came back for a visit. I guess they were still lurking, just waiting for the opportune time to strike! It is amazing to me how it is like a switch goes off and I feel so much better once I treat myself with compassion and once I allow myself to just be with my emotions. When I am holding my emotions hostage, I become a hostage. If I don’t allow them to flow, I am stuck. My head feels clogged up and I am stuck in a place that feels as though I am hovering. I am not present in my body at all. This makes me feel lost, which makes me think I will never feel better.My mind gets stuck in a loop playing the hateful messages that convince me of their truth.

I have no idea why I feel angry

I gave myself permission to feel angry. I didn’t realize I wasn’t giving myself permission. Once I said it out loud to myself, “it is safe and it is OK to feel your anger”, I felt a strong release. I am still not sure why I was angry, but I am OK with that too. Sometime I might figure it out, but maybe not. I’m OK with not knowing. Spending time trying to figure out why, kept me stuck in a low place. My mind likes to go to that place of thinking that if I know “why” I feel a certain way then that will make things right. Huh? I get completely convinced I must know all the answers. If I don’t know the answer, then of course my mind tells me that something is wrong with me! Yikes! It really amazes me how I can be going along on a happy joyful ride, and then wake up one morning and feel like I would like nothing more than to smash my head against the wall. I would never really do that, but it expresses the pain I feel. I just want it to go away! I become a dog chasing my tail in a circle, never quite catching up.

Shut Up!!

After a few days of this, my true self made a tiny peep, or maybe I finally just acknowledged it. At first I told it to shut up and leave me alone! It kept trying, I kept pushing it away. It was trying to tell me to please be compassionate with myself, please wrap myself up in a hug and tell myself  I am OK, please remind myself  that there is nothing wrong with me. After awhile, I decided to listen. I decided to give myself  just an ounce of self-love. A few years ago, I couldn’t do this. Self-love was not even on my radar. Now I am aware of self-love. Now that I am aware of the fact that the hateful thoughts  telling me I am bad and messed up are just plain lies, I am able to come back out of the dark hole to climb back up on the wagon.

Hop On The Wagon!

200706230813430.wagon ride  8

Not sure why this picture struck me, but it did. I don’t have to know why, do I?! I love that the child is pulling the wagon. A symbol of the inner child pulling the big child along…..I don’t know…it is also adorable, so that’s enough in itself.

Nurture me, please

Once I climbed back up, I was able to see that I needed to be treated like a newborn baby. I needed nurturing, understanding, love, acceptance, and compassion. It is interesting, because right after I became aware of that little voice of inner truth, I started watching my thoughts again. I noticed how I tried to tell myself  I needed someone else to nurture me, understand me, accept me, love me, and be compassionate with me. Maybe I needed that too. However, when my tears came falling down,and a loud  but gentle message came through saying, “please be compassionate with me, love me, nurture me, accept me, just be with me,” I knew it was ME that needed to do all of these things for myself  first. Once again, I had to come back to self-love.

Cycles of Depression

I was reminded of the cycle that my depression has started to follow. When I first started down the path to healing, I had 95% of my days being bad. Then, very slowly, I began to have a few more days here and there. Then, things would come crashing down on me again, and I would feel buried for awhile. For awhile now, (I kind of lose track of time), I have had about 85% good days, with a few bad ones. I had forgotten about the “things come crashing down on me again” phase! Lately my “bad days” were just slightly uncomfortable, not like this! So, this threw me. I am working on getting to a place of feeling grateful for these dark times. They allow me to step back and see how far I’ve come. I feel so grateful for my good days! When I am in the dark muck, I try to tell myself I am right back to the beginning, but then the cycle comes to an end, and I am reminded of the truth! I am exactly where I am supposed to be! But damn, why does that place have to be so uncomfortable? There I go asking why! Who cares why?!  Ugh…….not me?! (grin)


Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Awareness, Depression, Healing & personal growth, Nurture yourself, Self-love | No Comments »

Leave a Comment