Returning to my truth again and again

Written by Amie on November 13, 2009 – 7:23 pm -

My Apprehension

I have been feeling a bit apprehension to write exactly how I am feeling. I don’t want to sound as though I am focusing on the negative. However, I feel as though my posts aren’t authentic if I am not being completely open and honest about what is going on with me. So, I have been meditating frequently on the subject of what it really means to me to be present in my life, and how negativity fits in. Many things have come up, but the one theme that seems to be recurring is that I am being present in my life as long as I am present with what is coming up for me. By this I mean, if emotions come up that stem from the past, it is normal for it to feel negative. It doesn’t mean I am focusing on the past or focusing on the negative, as long as I am present with the emotions themselves. It doesn’t help me if I let my mind go to the blaming game or the “I wish it could have been like this….”. I am able to see how that keeps me stuck.

Process emotions by allowing yourself to feel them

However, it is important for me to process my emotions as they come up by really feeling them.  I am not trying to push them away by going into the blaming or the I wish it were different. If I stay with how I am feeling right *now*, then I am not focusing on the negative, I am focusing on how I am feeling right now in this moment. Yes, my emotions may stem from something from the past, and that is OK. But it is important for me to stay with how I am feeling in this moment. If we keep playing stories over and over in our minds about how we wish things would have been different, or blaming someone for something they did or didn’t do for us, we are not present. To me, this means I am allowing my mind, or my *pain-body* to be in charge. This keeps us stuck in depression.

Conscious and Unconscious Thought

Stay with the emotions to stay in the now

Staying with the emotions that are happening right now is more difficult than staying stuck. Some emotions that stem from painful experiences are sad, scary, hurtful, or are difficult for us to accept. It is important to feel the sadness, feel the fear, feel the grief, feel the anger, feel the disappointment. For me, it is like making friends with my emotions. Saying hello to them, and asking them what I can do to help them flow through rather than stay stuck in an unhealthy pattern. Most of the time, it takes just acknowledging them and making sure they know I am with them. Letting them have a voice is very important. I know I have said this before, but in the early stages of my healing process, I had no idea how I felt. I could not answer the question, “what is going on with you?” My therapist taught me how to go to my body first, see what was happening there. For me, I tend to hold my emotions in my stomach. I learned to talk to the knot in my stomach to determine what was happening to me in the present moment. The knot in my stomach was holding onto unreleased trauma and fear from past situations, but the knot in my stomach was happening in the present moment. I would keep asking the knot to tell me what it wants to say, and I would get to the root of what was causing my emotions right then. Many times, I need to move my body to completely release the stuck emotions.

Emotional life shut down

Many of us have learned that living in the present moment can be painful. We may have learned that who we are in the moment is not enough, or not what others want from us. Returning to my truth means to remember these are stories, not truth. When I started down this healing road I had no idea my emotional life was completely shut down. When I learned to live in the present moment (at least part of the time!) it was a shock to me to learn I was  so shut down. As I began to unravel my truth, it was like I was meeting a stranger. Although it felt like I was meeting a stranger, it also felt like I had arrived home. Home being *my* home. My home is my truth; the truth that lives inside me. We all have a truth within us, one part being our “story”, that is unique to just us, and the remainder of the truth is universal to all. I (you) am/are loved, I(you) am/are here for a reason, I(you) am/are part of a much greater universal source, I(you) am/are accepted for exactly as I(you) am/are. I want to stay connected to that universal source and to you….thank you for being here to witness my truth. I would love to hear yours.

 

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