Authenticity and Depression

Written by Amie on April 29, 2011 – 1:46 am -

I want to be nurtured too

The other night I had an awakening about myself. I keep saying I want and need more deep connection with people. I don’t think I realized what I really meant by this. Now I know. I was thinking back to when my kids were young. When they were first born I started down a path that I didn’t even know existed. I nursed them and slept with them and I followed their cues to determine what they needed. They rarely cried because I was there with them. This opened a place in my heart that I didn’t know had been closed. I didn’t know there was even a door there. I realized that I wanted to be nurtured too. I wanted to be close with and loved by other people. I realized the deep empty hole inside me that was never filled. I never learned to love myself because I had never felt unconditional love. I never felt as if there was someone there for me no matter what. I never felt secure and safe. I never felt as though I was accepted for being exactly who I was. This is difficult to write because I am not writing this in order to blame or hurt anyone. I just need to speak my truth, and this is my truth. I do believe people love in whatever capacity they are capable of. I understand that now.

Feelings of loneliness

Once I started down this path with my kids, I also started down the path of learning to nurture myself and learning to listen to my heart. It hasn’t been easy. I was used to pushing away my own feelings and needs in hopes of acceptance from those around me. I got in touch with the feelings of loneliness I felt since I had to shut off a part of myself in order to be loved. Each time we shut down a part of ourselves, a bit of our soul is turned off, like a slow death. (the good news is that it can be turned back on!) So as my kids grew and I heard negative feedback from those who supposedly loved me, I shut down even more. On one hand I didn’t give a damn what they thought about my parenting, but on the other hand I had the strong human need to be accepted and loved for who I am. It hurt me that people who were supposed to unconditionally love me, wanted me to change to fit into what their ideas for the “right” way of parenting looked like. They didn’t understand, so therefore I must be crazy. I should change so they won’t be uncomfortable.

Internalizing negativity

I got in touch with that place inside me that really just wanted unconditional love. When we have strong human needs that don’t get met, it is common for us to think we are somehow bad and wrong for needing them. I internalized the negativity that others heaped on me. This causes depression! Changing ourselves for others begins when we are children. So many people have this experience. Once we realize what is happening, we can change it! An adult has the power to listen to who they choose to listen to. If someone keeps telling me how they disapprove of me, I have the power to kick them out of my life! And I will. Negative people will no longer be tolerated in my life. Accept me as I am, or get out. Depression is anger and resentment and horrible learned messages turned inward. Depression is a deadening of our life. We are trying to deaden who we are in order to be loved. Messages that have been given to us are internalized to the point that we believe them. I used to believe that I had no right to need anything! Imagine! Every single person has needs. Ignoring them brings depression.

Spiritual Friendship

It is 100% normal to need love, nurture, acceptance, safety…..I could go on and on. Every person has the right to a happy life. There will be challenges and sadness and grief and other emotions…….but our birthright is love and joy. I know that now without a doubt. Authenticity is who I am. I will speak up for myself. I will follow my dreams and passions even if someone else doesn’t want me to. When someone has an issue with me or what I am doing, it is almost always about them. It makes them uncomfortable, so they want me to change! No way. When I live authentically, my heart is open to give and receive love. When I come from an inauthentic place, I am closed off to my life. Not a happy place to be. I met with a new friend tonight to share a gift called Spiritual Friendship. We each take a turn to listen while the other talks. I cried when we were done because it touched a place in my heart; the place where my soul lives. That authentic place. I was being seen and heard and I was able to see and hear her. Raw human emotion. THIS is what I am talking about. This is what we all deserve. Someday this will be our new normal……the place we are meant to live in. Namaste’.

I am not going back to re-read this, so hopefully it makes sense. I am always open to hear comments and opinions. Let me know what you think.

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