Observing my thoughts instead of believing them

Written by Amie on October 12, 2011 – 2:54 am -

Fear of people dying

I had an experience the other night that I want to share. My son and I were talking because he was feeling “out of sorts”. This hasn’t happened in quite awhile, so it caught me a bit off guard. Without discussing his business, I will say that he was mostly unsure about what was causing him to feel “off”. We talked for quite awhile, and then he decided he wanted to go to sleep, as it was getting pretty late. So, he went to bed, and then I decided to lay in bed to read for awhile. Some thoughts started going through my mind that maybe he was really depressed, and I was missing the signs that he needs help. My mind took it even further and said maybe he will decide to commit suicide. In case you haven’t read any of my earlier posts, I need to tell you that my brother committed suicide almost 5 years ago. And, more importantly, my son was nowhere near being deeply depressed. Overall, he is a very happy joyful guy!

Is he still breathing?

In order to ease my worry, I went to his room to make sure he was okay and that he was breathing. It made me feel better and I was then able to go to sleep. I want to talk about this process though. It makes total sense to me that I fear my loved ones dying. It even makes sense in some weird way that I fear them committing suicide. I really had to sit with this whole issue to look at what to do about these thoughts. I came back to realizing again, that thoughts are just that-thoughts. They are rarely true. They just come and go, because that is what the mind does. If you have read anything by Eckhart Tolle, (The Power of Now, or A New Earth) you know that thoughts are all part of the”ego”. I think of ego as being my false self. Everyone has an ego because we have all been socialized in a way that takes us away from our authentic selves.

Just because I have a thought doesn’t mean it is true

When I allowed myself to be sucked in by these scary thoughts, I suffered. For a short time, I believed my thoughts about my son. I believed them enough to make myself get up and check on him. Then I realized the thoughts had no merit. The only reason I thought they might be true is because of the trauma I experienced with my brother. I have compassion for myself because of this. I am able to say to myself, “it makes sense that you have this fear. But, remember, the thought about a loved one dying is coming from an untrue place.” When I am able to see the thought for what it is-just a thought- I am able to take a step back and observe my thoughts, rather than let them suck me in. When I was depressed, I was not able to step back and be the observer. I believed my thoughts hook, line, and sinker. I had no idea that my thoughts weren’t true and that they were actually conditioned beliefs. By this, I mean beliefs that someone else put in my head with their words, or their actions towards me. As children, and even as adults, if a person hears or receives messages about themselves often enough, the message starts to become part of who they are. Until they are questioned.

listening to my heart vs. listening to my mind or my thoughts

All thoughts should be observed, not believed. There is a big difference between listening to my heart vs. listening to my mind or my thoughts. A thought is usually judgmental or fear based, or some form of guilt or shame. When I listen to my heart, it feels good, it resonates deep within. That is how you can tell the difference. When we have learned to listen to our thoughts and believe them, it takes work to change this habit. It is a new way of being. It is an authentic way of being. So, I have learned to be easy on myself, to give myself some slack when I slip back into my habit of believing my thoughts. I practice and it gets easier. It almost comes natural now for me to be an observer rather than a follower of thoughts. Please be easy on yourself as you learn this new skill of becoming aware of your thoughts. Question everything!!




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