I am not my body

Written by Amie on November 19, 2008 – 1:58 am -

I have been struggling a bit with this idea for quite awhile now. For most of my life I thought that my body is who I am. I would judge myself by the way I looked. When  I worked out (obsessively), and was in “great shape”, I judged myself as being “good”. Then I had my twins, and working out fell to the wayside for awhile. I would go for walks with them, and chase and play with them, but in my judgmental fog, I never felt like it was enough. So, fast forward 11 years, and boy am I harsh on myself! I really do feel like I am pretty conscious most of the time, so it is hard to realize that I am judging myself for my body shape. I want to be able to look in the mirror, and tell myself that I love me. Better yet, I wish there were no mirrors anywhere! Wouldn’t it be nice to just BE ourselves without having to check out what our bodies look like in the mirror? Then, I think I could stop judging myself so harshly. Maybe. I want to be able to feel who I am, to feel the essence of me that lives in my body. Most of the time I am connected to this. There is just that other part that still wants to hang on to the judgement.

I also think of the people that I love to hang out with. I never view THEM as their bodies. I am able to see right past that, and really love them for exactly who they are, which is not their body. Intellectually, I do know that I am not my body, but it is hard, especially in this culture, to be non-judgmental about our bodies. I want to love and honor my body, since it serves me so well. I want to be grateful everyday for my body and for what it enables me to do.

My theme song right now is by Mary J. Blige called Just Fine. It gives me inspiration to be nicer to myself. I also listen to the song I Will Be Gentle With Myself by Libana. Sometimes I listen to it over and over, trying to saturate my cells with this thought. One day it will really feel a part of me-that I love myself unconditionally. I can’t wait until that day.

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Posted in Depression, Healing & personal growth, Nurture yourself | 1 Comment »

One Comment to “I am not my body”

  1. merialiss Says:

    “I want to be able to feel who I am, to feel the essence of me that lives in my body.”

    That is so profound. And I think I’m in touch with that. It just reminds me of the countless hours I spent staring into mirrors as a child, trying to really see myself–and then later trying to see my true Self, or trying to see the differences in Me as I grew older.

    And, I have to credit my love of Mr. Rogers for my healthy foundation that was slowly worn away by my peers at school. He taught me that it was the person on the Inside that mattered and I believed him completely. I have always viewed people that way. I have had my head turned by a rare pretty face, but for the most part it is a keen sense of humor, or the feeling of authenticity I get from a person that is so very attractive.

    What I found interesting, too, though was once I grew accustomed to being a “substantial” woman and then began losing weight, I started paying attention to my judgments of thin women and realized one thought resonated repeatedly: thin women are not substantial, ie, they have little substance! (in my mind) I kept weight on me so that I could feel more real, more serious, less self-obsessed. I’m still working on these ideas, but I found that so interesting!
    Thanks for opening up this line of inquiry 🙂

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