at the heart of depression is a deep need to feel loved and to be nurtured.

Written by Amie on November 19, 2012 – 2:31 am -

at the core of the self hate

I have been doing a lot of thinking about depression lately. I am feeling extremely grateful for the peace I have been feeling for quite awhile. It is interesting how my perspective has changed lately. Maybe it isn’t that my perspective has changed, maybe it is that I have peeled away enough layers that I am hitting the deepest core of where my depression was truly coming from. I know that self hate seemed to be the “culprit” so to speak. However, at the core of the self hate is something even bigger. I am sort of “thinking out loud” here, trying to put my feelings into words. Right now I am feeling these things in my body, and trying to process them into words. So I understood that self hate was the end result of years of hiding my true self and acting as though all was well, all while feeling like I was going insane inside myself. So, I began peeling away the layers to discover where all of the negative thoughts I was having actually formulated. And my journey to “healing my depression” began. I hesitate to call it healing because I truly think recovering from depression is synonymous with discovering the true beauty of who you really are.

we all need to be loved and nurtured

Back to the “something even bigger” I mentioned above. For the last few months I have been feeling really disconnected from my inner voice, my intuition, my connection to source (choose your own label here). I wasn’t able to meditate, I felt anxious some of the time, I felt heavy energy around me for no obvious reason, and I really just felt “out of sorts”. I realized that I had really lost trust in the universe. I wasn’t trusting that all was well. I was feeling it was unsafe to meditate because I had lost trust that there was a safe connection to the Universe (Hopefully you will stay with me here as I try to explain) I was feeling very disappointed and sad. It took me a few months of continuing to sit, even though meditation wasn’t happening, to gain clarity. I still sat day after day with no expectations. In the last week or so it has been slowly revealed to me why I lost trust. I realized that deep in my inner being, I was disappointed in the universe. I was disappointed that people could be so heartless as to treat others with such unkindness. (even when I understand the reasons behind it) I felt the deepest sadness I have ever felt. I felt so sad for all children (children today, and the adults who, as children, didn’t get their needs met). I was feeling so sad that so many people are depressed today because they desperately need the nurturing they never received as children. I felt sad because we all need to be loved and nurtured, and the majority of people do not receive this, even as adults.

at the heart of depression

I am still having a hard time putting this into words. Maybe what I am saying is that at the heart of depression is a deep need to feel loved and to be nurtured. If you grow up without these things, you start to create thoughts and beliefs about yourself that become the negative voices in your head that develop into self hate. (Please let me say that I am not here to blame anyone for not nurturing their children enough. I believe every parent does the absolute best they are capable of. Most parents also did not receive the nurturing and love they needed in order to thrive, so the cycle can repeat itself until the cycle is broken,which (in my opinion) is how depression is “genetic”. I wrote about this here.  Okay, so, I have come to see that when I lost trust in the universe, I lost trust in life itself. When this happens, there is a feeling of hopelessness. I used to feel hopeless when I was deeply depressed, but this reached a different part of me. I wasn’t feeling depressed, I was just disappointed and sad. I wasn’t sure where to go with my feelings. So, I sat with them and I allowed myself to go through some anger (at the whole world!), which led me back to this deep sadness and disappointment. And, I felt the sadness….

it is definitely not all doom and gloom

I am honestly not sure yet where I am going with this. Maybe I am still processing it all. It is definitely not all doom and gloom.  I still *know* without a doubt that I am connected to the Universe, every single part of it. I am allowing myself to see that I can be sad, and I can still be connected and safe. In fact, the more I allow myself to feel these true emotions, the stronger I feel. Because, guess what? Each time I feel my truth and acknowledge it, more of the real me emerges. I am able to see that I am the incredible person I am today because I went through the things I went through. Yes, it is sad that we all weren’t nurtured and given the love and the feeling of safety that was needed in order to feel self love. But, I can assure you that no matter what your age, you can nurture yourself so that you can rediscover that beautiful being hiding inside you right now. That being is still there, just waiting for you to welcome her/him back. I know I will be continuing this in another post, as clarity reveals itself more and more. But please, from my words, please take this message of truth;  just because you didn’t receive the nurture and love you needed (and maybe you still aren’t receiving it now), does not mean you aren’t lovable. It does not mean you don’t deserve to be nurtured and loved. I know it feels like that at times, trust me, I know. I know for sure that you are pure love, you always have been, and you always will be. Please be gentle on yourself as you discover ways to nurture yourself and ways to receive nurture from others. It is a new way of being for most people, so please be easy on yourself. I love you!

 

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