Feels like a death

Written by Amie on January 21, 2013 – 1:59 am -

denial can be a protective shell

I feel as though a death has happened. I feel loss on a very deep level. I have lost people in my life who I was conditioned to believe would be in my life forever. I know this can’t always be true. People grow and change at different rates, and sometimes we come to a place when we can no longer tolerate the behavior of those who, for whatever reason, decide to stay stuck in their story. On some level, it feels as though they were all involved in a tragic car accident and suddenly they are no longer in my life. I didn’t know I would grieve for people I voluntarily cut out of my life. I didn’t know how sad it would feel to know that people who claim to love me unconditionally would choose denial over having a relationship with me. On an intellectual level, I understand it. I understand how denial can be a protective shell that we sometimes need in order to lessen the pain of what is true. But it still hurts on a primal level. What hurts even more is being blamed for someone else’s destructive and dangerous behavior. Again, I understand intellectually. I really do. It is so much easier to blame someone else for “making” you act a certain way.

I feel like I need to hide myself again

So I grieve. I feel as though I am grieving for so much. I am grieving again for the brother I lost to suicide almost six years ago. I am grieving for the miscarriage I had seven years ago. I am grieving for the needs that were never met when I was very young. I am grieving for the unconditional love I wish I would have had. I feel a loss so very deep it is difficult to explain. So many emotions have been coursing through me. Lack of trust has been triggered by this. In this moment, it is hard for me to trust that the universe really does have my back. I have felt myself slide backwards a bit during the last few weeks. I have felt my protective wall come up again because I feel, once again, as though these people don’t see who I really am. I have felt the need to be strong so that their words and actions don’t injure my soul yet again. For so many years I had to hide my true self because it hurt too much to be the real me. I feel like I need to hide myself again. The fact that someone close to me thinks I would be capable of wishing harm to a loved one hurts me. I know the place of pain they are coming from when they say it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. It re-opens my wound of not being seen/heard for my true self.

I was depressed and saw life through a negative lens

It is so difficult to be my true self around people who do not want to acknowledge this. People who think they know me but really haven’t a clue. People who would rather stay in denial than ┬áheal and live from an authentic place. Trust me, I get it. I lived a fake life, so to speak, for years. I was depressed and saw life through a negative lens. A place of pure fear. And then I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I had to get help. This is the part that, even though I understand how a person chooses denial, still confuses me. How can it get so bad that you physically (and emotionally) harm someone you claim to love, and yet still not be able to admit exactly what you did? This person hurt someone I love, and so, I had to make the choice to cut off our relationship. They have so many reasons and excuses as to why this happened, but the bottom line is that the blame is still being placed on the victim. I am beyond sad about this fact. So much history here that would just take too long to write. So much suffering and pain. It makes me sad that this person is in such pain. I understand the feeling of not wanting to ask for help or not wanting to admit what is true. It is hard work. It is very hard work to look within yourself and acknowledge things that could be life changing. Things that are so sad and hard to look at. I understand this, I’ve been there, and still have to go there at times. Events from my past that affect my life today must be looked at and processed in order to let them go. Every single time I do this, I feel a weight has been lifted from me.

I will be easy on myself and take care of myself

I know so much of this doesn’t make sense to you, the reader, because I am not giving details. Even though I want to write exactly what happened, and who the people are, I don’t feel it is my place to expose them here. I know on some level they are all suffering as well, just in a different way. So, of course I wish them well and I hope they find peace. I hope that one day we can all be together again in a healthy way. In the meantime, I give myself permission to grieve for as long as I need to. I will be easy on myself and take care of myself. I will feel my sadness and mourn for the people I wish could be healthy and in my life. I try to accept what is true right now. I surround myself with healthy people who love and support me. I know this is all a part of my journey, and somewhere inside, I knew at some point along my journey, it may come to this. I started “shaking things up” so to speak. I started speaking my truth and living my life in a way that works for me. When a person starts getting healthy, and those close to them are not, this can shake things up. People start clinging even tighter to “what they know”. (It also triggers the pain body in the person who is healing, making them question if what they are doing is “right”). I understand, I really do. I go back to Eckhart Tolle’s description of the “pain body”. When someone changes the pattern, so to speak, the pain body is activated, and it fights hard to keep us in our story, because this is familiar. Our work is to become aware of our pain body, and start noticing when we get triggered. Eckhart has a whole chapter about the pain body in his book A New Earth.

 

The Pain Body

“This accumulated pain is a negative energy field that occupies your body and mind. If you look on it as an invisible entity in its own right, you are getting quite close to the truth. It’s the emotional pain body. It has two modes of being: dormant and active.

The pain body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it. It can then rise up, take you over, “become you,” and live through you. It needs to get its “food” through you. It will feed on any experience that resonates with its own kind of energy, anything that creates further pain in whatever form: anger, destructiveness, hatred, grief, emotional drama, violence, and even illness.

So the pain body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible.

Once the pain body has taken you over, you want more pain. You become a victim or a perpetrator. You want to inflict pain, or you want to suffer pain, or both. There isn’t really much difference between the two. You are not conscious of this, of course, and will vehemently claim that you do not want pain. But look closely and you will that your thinking and behavior are designed to keep the pain going, for yourself and others.

If you were truly conscious of it, the pattern would dissolve, for to want more pain is insanity, and nobody is consciously insane.” ~Eckhart Tolle

 

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