“The way back to my real environment, the place where my soul was meant to exist, doesn’t lie through any set of codes I will ever find outside of myself. I have to look inward. I have to jettison every sorrow, every terror, every misconception, every lie that stands between my conscious mind and what I know in my heart to be true. Instead of clutching around me all of the trappings of a “good” person, a “successful” person, or even a “righteous” person, I have to be exactly what I am, and take the horrible chance that I may be rejected for it. I can’t get home by cloaking myself in the armor of any system; social, political, or religious. I have to strip off all that comforting armor and go on naked”. ~Martha Beck
the scary part
Another layer of healing and I feel like I am recovering faster each time. The pain is deep, but I don’t stay in the pain for very long. Crying is so healing and cleansing. First the anger, then the sadness, deep grieving, and then relief. I feel lighter each time. I remember a time when I would stay in the anger phase without allowing the raw feelings underneath to come to the surface. Staying in anger creates resentment and eventually depression. I know this now, and I continue to work on it. Allowing the raw feelings underneath the anger to surface is the scary part at first, but once they show themselves, great relief comes sooner. Anger is always a sign that there are needs not being met, a sign that something is not “right”. I think as a culture we have been taught that anger is bad, but I disagree. Anger is only an unhealthy thing if a person stays in the anger stage without processing the real feelings underneath, or if they act out of anger and harm another person. When used as a sign that something is off, anger is a wonderful tool.
incapable of really *seeing* me and *hearing* me
I was very angry last night. I received another letter from someone who has hurt me deeply but won’t acknowledge their part in the hurt. This person denies ever hurting me. This person goes so far as to act completely perplexed as to why I am hurt. Hearing this hurts even more. At least it did temporarily. The anger turned to hurt and sadness pretty quickly. And then the grief hit today. The letter I received made it so clear that this person will not take responsibility for the hurt they have caused. The clarity helped me see that I need to let go of the hope that things can be any different. I surrender to what is. The facts keep being shown to me. The fact that this person is incapable of really *seeing* me and *hearing* me. And this person is incapable of taking ownership of the hurt they have caused. So for me, I accept them for who they are, but that doesn’t mean I will subject myself to further hurt. People continue to hurt others when they are incapable of noticing how their words and actions affect others. I understand, but that doesn’t mean I will choose to be with people who do this.
I love myself and I have compassion for myself
So, I continue to let go. It is a process to be sure. It is not easy, but it is getting easier. It is difficult to truly let go of the hope that things will change. But if I hold on to hope, it keeps me suffering. It keeps me in a holding pattern so to speak. Waiting and hoping. Not a healthy way to live. So, I surrender to what is, I let go, I accept, and I send healing and love to those who have hurt me. If I find myself wishing for something to be different, or wishing for someone to finally understand and take responsibility for their actions, I am not letting go. I am holding on. It is a slow process. I have to remind myself often to trust the Universe. Everything happens for a reason, everything unfolds exactly as it should. I continue and I trust. And I send more love to them. I hear what they say and I remind myself that they are in pain. I surrender. I accept. I let go. And most importantly, I love myself and I have compassion for myself. I honor all of my feelings, and I allow myself to feel however I feel without judgment.
a song that helps me process my emotions
I want to share this song with you that I listen to when I feel angry. It is helpful when I know there are deeper feelings underneath the anger wanting to be felt. It really helps me feel my anger and then let it go so that the feelings underneath can come up. The meaning of the song has nothing to do with why I listen to it. I feel the emotion in the song, and I believe this is the reason it is helpful for me when I’m angry and I am having trouble allowing my emotions to emerge.
It is Dixie Chicks, “Not Ready TO Make Nice”
Tags: accept what is, acceptance, accepting what is, Anger, anger a bad thing, anger as a sign, Depression, dysfunctional family, emotional clarity, emotional healing, everything happens for a reason, healing, hearing me, hurt others, in denial, let go, needs not being met, resentment, seeing me, Self-love, surrendder, surrender, take responsibility for hurt, trust the universe, truth, wishing for someone to understand
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