The breath and depression; breathing out of the dark place

Written by Amie on June 20, 2014 – 2:51 am -

 my own version of a private hell

I fell back into a deep dark place yesterday. A few days before this I could feel it coming on. It was pretty intense, and it caught me off guard in a way. I have had some days of feeling off, but not like I had at the beginning of this journey. I was feeling really hopeless. I tried very hard to just let the feeling be there. And for the most part I was able to do this. I was able to just do the basics to get through the day. I will be honest, it scared me a bit. It scared me because this feeling felt all too familiar, and I was afraid of falling and not being able to get back out this time. But I did. I felt a shift when I woke up today. I am so very grateful. But I want to talk about falling back down the hole. Each time it has happened over the years I realize once I reach the other side,I feel a growth in myself. Let me just say when in the midst of it, I am convinced I am in hell, if I believed in hell that is,lol. It is my own version of a private hell. And there is not a thing anyone can do or say to me that can pull me out. I realize it is something I have to go through in order to grow through another layer.

be nurtured 

I will say that it helped a great deal having people who support and love me letting me know they are there. And it helped to be nurtured by someone who loves me. I have learned that it is very important to make sure I don’t isolate myself. I reached out in a way that was enough at the time to reassure me I was loved and I wasn’t alone. Even if I did not want to talk or be talked to. It was a very intense process to watch the thoughts crossing my mind. I was in a state of fear to be sure. Fear of what? I’m not sure. I was able to see that my thoughts were just thoughts, but I was also stuck in the cycle of them. I was stuck. I was believing my fears somewhat. I knew they weren’t true, but I also felt fear in my body. It is hard to describe. The thing that really got me to shift my energy was the realization that even though my body felt numb, and yesterday I described it as feeling dead, was my breath. My breath was still happening even though I felt dead.

“I” am not the one having these thoughts

Hmmm….this really got me thinking about what/who is breathing me? How do we breath? Is it “me” breathing? Or is my breath being maintained by “the source”, “the energy”, “the divine” that created me? I was then able to come back to what I know to be true *for me*, and  that is, “I” am not my body. I am a soul who is living in this body. “I” am not the one having these thoughts. Thoughts arise in every single person every single day. They are words floating through the mind. I reminded myself that thoughts are the ego’s way of trying to keep me stuck. When “I” believe the thoughts, I am not in the present moment, I am stuck somewhere else. My body is holding onto emotions, creating energy to be stuck in my body.Which makes me suffer. I have to remind myself that its okay to be stuck sometimes. Sometimes being stuck happens right before a big growth spurt. As long as I remember the tools I have learned up until this point of being in a dark place, I know I will get out. Even if I don’t utilize those tools, just knowing they exist makes me remember there is in fact a better feeling place. And I have to remind myself that this too, shall pass. In fact, I even bought myself a ring that says, “this too, shall pass”.

 Yesterday I was nearly paralyzed

The very important thing to remember is ALWAYS have self love, self compassion. It took me many years, and so much practice to get to a place of kindness for myself when I am suffering. I still forget at times, but most of the time I am able to come back to this place of loving myself through the darkness. It is not always easy, as humans we tend to slip back into the patterns that feel familiar. But the more we practice,the easier it becomes to jump to self love and compassion first, and then allow the feelings to be there. Yesterday I was nearly paralyzed. I was fighting the feelings a bit, and then later I relaxed into them, and I allowed them in. And today, I must say that the darkness is gone for the most part, and I know I am closer to my truth. I am closer to the truth of who I really am. And, the really cool part is, I *know* for a fact that I am always connected to the source that created me. How do I know this? Because I am still breathing. My breath is always with me. Always, even after this physical body dies. We are One.

A beautiful video with Karen Drucker’s song “Gentle with myself”

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | No Comments »

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