Those hidden beliefs

Written by Amie on January 27, 2009 – 12:13 pm -

Exercise and Meditation

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I would like to share this huge breakthrough that I had today because I am thinking that it might help someone else. I have been exercising and meditating almost every day for the past few weeks. I am trying to be very gentle with myself and trying not to have expectations of a certain outcome. One of my intentions for the new year is that I want to exercise more. Not like the New Year’s resolution when I  tell myself I “should” exercise. That has never worked for me. I have a strong desire to exercise, and the meditation just feels like a part of my routine. Wake up, stretch, meditate. Anyway,  even though I am doing this without an “agenda” so to speak, there is a small part of me that thought I “should” (there is that word again) see some small change in my body by now. I am working on learning to love my body again, so like I said, I am being nice to myself. But still……..

Negative body image

I sat down to meditate thinking that I would follow my normal routine. However, that nagging voice inside was saying, I wonder why you can’t really see any changes yet. I decided to listen, and to observe the other thoughts that were coming up. Wow, some beliefs that I didn’t know I had came bubbling up to the surface. I realized that there is a part of me that is afraid to get back to the weight and size that I was when I felt I was in “good shape”.  Again, I asked myself, why would I be afraid? I thought that sounded crazy!  Ask and you shall receive, right?!  The answers came forth loud and clear!

Acceptance

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The answer that came to me was that the only time in my life that I felt truly “accepted”  was when I was working out in a way that was unhealthy, and I was skinny. I was over  exercising and not eating enough. I got a lot of attention when I looked the way I was “supposed” to look. This hurt to realize. I feel sad, disappointed, and really furious!! I also realized why the weight started creeping on about a year after my kids were born. This was around the time when my parents thought I should stop breastfeeding my boys, cut the apron strings were the exact words. This is when I started feeling like they were disappointed in my parenting skills, which lead to feeling unaccepted yet again.

Accept me for who I am

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I couldn’t figure out why this would make my body want to hold on to extra weight though. If anything, I would have thought I would lose weight so that I could feel accepted. Another thought came up-subconsciously I didn’t want to lose the weight because I was hoping that they would accept me for who I am for once. Even though they didn’t agree with my parenting and I am not the right body shape, if they could just accept me for who I am, I could be free to lose weight if I wanted to. I was hoping  they would love me either way. Ha! If I were to lose weight and then people would make a big deal about it, it would feel like once again, I am being accepted because I lost weight. I won’t just be accepted for who I am.

Now that I understand this, I can release the negative beliefs, and move on. I already knew that it doesn’t matter if anyone accepts me for who I am. I still am who I am. I don’t need other people’s  approval of anything I do. My husband and I choose the way we raise our children, and it is too bad if someone else doesn’t like it! I knew there was some correlation to  my weight and the resistance and fear I felt, but I really didn’t get exactly what it was. I wrote a letter to my family, and then I released the negative beliefs and then I burned the letter. That felt so good! I am so grateful that I am far out of the victim mode.  I am grateful that my body has been so loyal to me, and has stayed so healthy. I also feel compassion for those that are so focused on the external. That is so not who we all are! Yes, I want to take care of my body, and treat it well, but with or without this body, I am me. I am who I am, and I am powerful! I am 100% Ok with not being accepted. Sure, it would be nice, but I do not need it in order to be happy and healthy!

I will still be gentle with myself, and I will still not be focused on the outcome. I don’t want to pressure myself now and feel like something has to change quickly now that I have it figured out! Because I don’t have it all figured out, it is just one piece of my puzzle. It is exciting though to excavate to see what I can find. I will stay healthy as long as I don’t make up stories to go along with these thoughts that come up! That is when the feeling of being so small and helpless comes in, when we let our stories take over. I am writing my own story now, I am responsible for my story, and I am going to make it full of joy and self-acceptance. That is the only acceptance we all really need-acceptance of ourselves!


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Posted in Depression, Healing & personal growth, Meditation, Nurture yourself | 1 Comment »

One Comment to “Those hidden beliefs”

  1. wrkinprogress Says:

    YES!! It’s so hard to understand why we’d hang on to things that seem to make us unhappy!

    I’ve been doing this “square” exercise where you pick a pair of opposites, in this case it might be “extra weight” and “healthy weight” or something similar. Then, you divide a sheet of paper (or in my geeky case, you make a spreadsheet) into four sections: Fear of Extra Weight, Desire of Extra Weight, Fear of Healthy Weight, Desire of Healthy Weight. Two squares are usually really easy and obvious, sometimes three. But the others…why would you be scared of a healthy weight? Why would you desire extra weight?

    Just completing the exercise seems to enable me to process certain things (lies?) and let them go to create space. Or something like that. : )

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