Scapegoats~guest blogger

Written by Amie on April 26, 2015 – 12:46 am -

I would like to share this writing by my new friend, M. I think it will be very helpful for those in scapegoat type relationships.

A Meaning of Scapegoat

Amie made a very important observation. She said, “I know many people are in this type of relationship, but do not know they are scapegoats, they do not know it is common, and that others are in them as well.” So, what is scapegoating? Are you a scapegoat? Well, do you feel bad about yourself when or after you talk with people you are close to? Are they mean or cold to you? Do they glance or glare at you, or turn away, in ways that hurt you? Do they talk to you in a tone of voice that hurts? Do they make fun of you? Do you hope to get encouragement, empathy, validation, and warmth from them, but end up feeling discouraged or even ridiculed, and alone? Do they dismiss your thoughts and feelings as if their thoughts and feelings are more important or more accurate than yours? Do you get blame you don’t deserve, or too much blame if you did make a mistake? Are you the problem, the bad one, while others are the good ones? Are you too hard on yourself, but still “not good enough” anyway? If you feel like that most of the time or always, it’s not your fault and you are not alone. There are lots of other people who feel this way, or similar ways.

We are scapegoats, and it is not our fault. NO! No, it is not our fault that we are scapegoats. Be careful, though. The danger we feel is real, but there are safe ways we can protect ourselves and heal. Don’t be impulsive, try not to fight back, as fighting back feeds the dysfunctional behavior. (Instead, take care of yourself by removing yourself from the situation, and then setting boundaries.) Try to just be aware of it all first. Just see first. Seeing is an intelligent awareness that can lead to safe and healthy informed decisions about what to do. Slow down, look, notice, see, and become aware, and set boundaries where needed. Yes, it hurts to do that (I know personally), but it hurts not to (I know that personally too), and the hurt of really looking and noticing can be a first step toward healing, while the hurt of not seeing never ends.

 Scapegoats are together, not alone

It’s not so hard to see the scapegoat system, especially after reading the illuminating explanations in the scapegoat websites and blogs. It becomes so obvious because my own suspicions and speculations are validated. As I read and reread what other scapegoats write, I see my own experiences and sufferings reflected or contrasted in other people’s experiences and sufferings. It helps so much, like a bit of sanctuary, to find that I am not alone, and so maybe there is help if we can help each other. The loneliness and aloneness is one of the worst parts of being a scapegoat, but that can just go away, just like that, because we are not alone. We have each other. And even though it’s only online, that’s fine because the new true fact is that there are others, no just me, I’m not alone, and that is real even if we only meet through our writing.

Scapegoats don’t have to be trapped

Although I can see the scapegoat system, especially when that seeing is validated by other people, what is hard is to see how my thinking, how the way I think, what I think, and how I see myself is part of the scapegoat system. How can a person see which particular thoughts, perspectives, and feelings are the traps that help keep the scapegoating system alive, even though he/she really desperately needs to escape from the sadness, the futility, the fatigue, the missing of life, the defenselessness, and whatever else hurts so much all the time.

Wondering about all that, I did a Google search for, “Go inside self.” I found some great writing by Deepak Chopra on Oprah.com. Here is what Deepak says:

 How to Go Inside Yourself

When you know exactly what it means to go inside, many riddles about personal growth begin to clear up. Actually, everyone is already going inside. If someone asks you how you feel or what you think or if you remembered to lock the back door, you automatically go inward for the answer. Your attention is no longer on the outside world but the inside world.

What do you find when you go inside? A rich world, streaming with thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, hopes, wishes, dreams and fears. No one is immune to the allure of this world. We experience ourselves in here and everything we can possibly imagine. But for every experience that’s pleasurable, there’s another that is painful.

Here is the starting point of spiritual growth because human beings, seeing that their pain was centered inside—through painful thoughts, memories, foreboding and guilt—wanted a way out. Is it possible to go inside and not experience pain? Even when you feel happy and your day is going well, the shadow of bad things to come cannot be denied. So the level of thinking isn’t where the cure for pain exists. No one can control painful thoughts.

Therefore, all the great spiritual guides have taught that there is another level of the mind where silence dominates. If you can experience this silence, your mind begins to shift. Instead of being dominated by fear, guilt and other forms of inner pain, it is dominated by a quiet, steady state. From this state blossoms a sense of well-being and a feeling that you are safe. If you remain on the path and keep experiencing inner silence, peace dawns and then joy and bliss.

This is the unfoldment of the true self. It’s the whole meaning of “going inside.”

Going Inside is going to safety

That was Deepak’s writing. Deepak seems to be saying that going inside is when the mind becomes quiet, so it is not thinking so much, or we don’t get pulled into and controlled by the thinking we do in/with our minds. I’m reminded of what a yoga instructor explained once. He said to be quiet, silent, and still inside so when thoughts come- whatever thoughts and any thoughts at all- just let them come in and then just let them go away, like clouds passing by as we just watch them come and go.

Going Inside can be difficult

That silence and stillness inside is hard to let happen, though, because scapegoats (and all sorts of other people too) have a lot of agonizing thoughts and feelings that are so powerful that they can really lock us in to thinking. It is so hard to just watch the thoughts come and go like clouds, especially because they sneak back in to be the center of attention.

Going Inside when possible

I guess, and I think people have tried to explain to me, the idea then is to just go back inside anytime possible to be the watcher who can let the thoughts and feelings go. I think that is what they mean by being present, being in the moment.

Going Inside becomes easier

It’s so hard to stop thinking and feeling, to be truly silent inside, for the mind to be still. For me, I get so wound up in horrible, gut-wrenching, thoughts and feelings that I lose, and forget, going inside completely, so those thoughts, that thinking and feeling, is all there is. I even forget to wish the thoughts and feelings would stop like they can stop. When I remember again, though, when it all slows down enough, or when I can just make that little shift from thinking to watching, just enough to see myself thinking, sometimes I can be quiet enough inside for a moment to let a few thoughts and feelings just come and go. There can be a brief moment, or sometimes a longer moment, when the torture inside lets up a little and there are fewer thoughts and feelings inside, so I can go inside and just watch some of the thoughts and feelings go by like clouds. I have heard that the more we watch instead of thinking, the easier it becomes to just watch more often instead of thinking all the time.

 

 

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