Emotional pain in other people

Written by Amie on October 25, 2014 – 2:08 am -

Compassion

When I feel other people in emotional pain, it is really hard for me. I am highly sensitive. I know this is one reason why being around others’ emotional pain can be difficult at times.  It can be hard work sometimes protecting myself from taking on their energy. The other reason is that I have so much compassion for others, especially those in emotional pain. It is not an easy journey being stuck in emotional hell. I’ve been there, many many times. Sometimes it is really hard because while I feel their pain, I also see ways for them to heal it. I know they can’t “hear me” unless they are ready. Many people are not ready to face their true emotional pain, especially if there is a lot of trauma involved or abuse was part of their background. So, even though I know I could share ways to help them, I also know I can’t unless they ask and they are truly ready.

I could see the pain on this person’s face

I met with someone today who I have been estranged from for close to three years now. It was one of those times when I was really hoping this person was ready to face some of their pain, so that our relationship could be restored.  I was wrong. This person only wanted to prove they were “right”. It was frustrating and heartbreaking all at the same time. I could see the pain on this person’s face, feel the pain in their energy. And, I could do nothing for them. If I were to “agree” to their “rightness”, I would be giving away a part of myself, and I can’t do that anymore. So I had to walk away, probably for good, from someone who has been in my life since my birth. (minus the last three years. )Very sad. This person isn’t willing to be vulnerable and to really face the pain of their past, and the pain of what happened. They say they have, but I don’t see it in their actions. The same behavior is present, so how can things be any different?

It is also FREEING

Honestly, I can’t even be angry because I truly understand emotional pain and being afraid to feel it. I remember a time when I didn’t even realize my depression had deep roots in my emotional pain. I just thought depression was a “state” of mind, something that happened to people who were flawed. No, nobody is flawed. Ever. People are wounded. Often. More often than not. It takes great strength and courage to really face emotional pain. It IS painful. It is also FREEING. When we feel, we heal.

Actions always speak way louder than words

So now I truly have to completely let go of any hope that this relationship will get healthy. I pretty much knew that already, but now it is 100% clear to me. This person is stuck in their emotional wounding, and it is blocking them from healing so that their relationships today can be healthy. It is very sad. I am sad. I have more grieving to do. I must also grieve for what could have been. Years ago, I would have just given a part of myself away and gone back to the way things were. I love myself so much now that I won’t do it. I practice self care, which means setting healthy boundaries. This is healthy and not easy. It isn’t always easy because those who are stuck in their ways will tell you how wrong you are and that you aren’t listening to them, etc etc. And I say, “actions always speak way louder than words.” Being vulnerable is not easy. Feeling your pain is not easy. But it is SO worth it!

 

Here is a good video that talks about “the pain body” (accumulated emotional pain and trauma)

 

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If depression won’t go away; thoughts and body sensations

Written by Amie on August 10, 2014 – 1:36 am -

Depression is IN the body

I remember a time when I wasn’t aware of my thoughts. That may sound strange, but I think it is more common than not. Most people are sort of on automatic pilot so to speak. I know I was. Before I became aware, I would have said no, I don’t have negative thoughts about myself. Oh my goodness was I ever wrong. I’m not judging myself, I just wasn’t aware. My thoughts were in control, and they had been in a continuous loop for so long, I didn’t realize how mean I was being to myself. When there is an accumulation of emotional pain in the body, our thoughts begin to match the pain by telling us how bad we are that we can’t make it go away. We blame ourselves for feeling so bad. We beat ourselves up because nothing seems to help. I want to talk about one of the main reasons, in my opinion, why depression won’t go away no matter how positive you may think you are being. Many of us try to feel better by fighting the negative thoughts. We try to block out the “negative” thoughts. While I do believe it is a very very good thing to begin saying positive affirmations to yourself, I also believe you can’t stop there if you want to truly feel better. Depression is IN the body, this is why our thoughts don’t make it go away.

Incessant thoughts…..keep you distracted from the emotional pain 

Depression will not go away until you are ready to feel your body. What do I mean by this? I want to explain it, because there was a time I didn’t fully understand what this meant. Thoughts are one thing, feeling in the body is something different. When I was deeply depressed I wasn’t aware of my body. I didn’t notice how my body felt when I was having an emotion or when I was thinking about things. When I had an emotion about something, my mind quickly took over and would start leading me down a path of trying to figure it all out, or trying to tell me what I was doing wrong, or or or……thoughts would follow thoughts would follow thoughts would follow thoughts…. I had no idea these thoughts weren’t true, nor did I have any idea that I could control my mind by first becoming aware of my body sensations. Incessant thoughts are there to keep you distracted from the emotional pain you are having in your body. In some way, thoughts are helping you cope with the pain by giving you something to think about. Even though the thoughts are not making you feel good, they are keeping you busy while your body is in anguish. Thoughts will not make depression ease up. If you are feeling horrible right now, try an experiment if you can. Try saying to yourself, “I am a beautiful person.” At the very same time, pay very close attention to your body. How does it feel? Is your stomach tight? Does your head feel like its in a vice grip? Please don’t stop saying the affirmations, they will start to feel true at some point. But I just want you to become aware of your body.

Depression is the messenger

It is so very important to become aware of your body sensations if you want to discover the truth of who you really are. You are not your depression. Depression is the messenger. It is telling you that your truth is inside you, the truth that you are a beautiful loving soul who can, in fact, feel happy and joyful. Our bodies hold emotions if we aren’t able to express them at the time an event happens. Therefore, our bodies are storing many many emotions that are waiting to be triggered or felt. Feeling them is the antidote for helping them leave the body. When something happens that triggers the repressed emotions, our first reaction is to “figure it out”. Which, guess what this does? It takes us away from feeling the emotion in the body. So, the emotion will remain in the body until it can be expressed. I need to also say this; it is important not to push yourself to feel. Just become aware of your body, and you will feel as your body is ready. Staying aware is most important, and being gentle on yourself as things come up to be felt and processed.

what I mean by “triggers”

Becoming aware is so important because it is the beginning of having more control over your mind. As you process the pain, your negative thoughts will lessen a great deal. I don’t believe they will ever completely go away, but you will become better at just observing them and noticing they are thoughts. You will also be able to feel in your body that negative thoughts are not the truth. If you don’t have the body triggers, then the thoughts don’t affect you so much. In case you aren’t sure what I mean by “triggers”, I will give you an example in my own life. When someone in my life tells me I should forgive someone, it still triggers the hurt place inside me. Not nearly as much as in the past, but it still does, nonetheless. What does this look like for me? Well, I first notice a tightness in my stomach, a clenching. It feels like my stomach is trying to hold onto something. This is a past reaction I am still working on. In the past, I would be on autopilot, and I would become angry in my head, but ignore my body. I would “think” I am a bad person because I can’t “forgive”.

Act as though nothing happened

My pattern was to get angry, but not express how I felt. I would hold it in because I wanted to be a “nice person” by agreeing to forgive. The back story, or where this came from, is this: I learned the definition of forgiveness is, “forget that someone hurt you without taking any responsibility for their actions. Act as though nothing happened, and then pretend that you are fine.”  So, until I process all of my feelings around my learned dysfunctional definition of forgiveness, I will still be triggered (i.e. my body will still react). So, my job is to feel and process my emotions each time I am triggered until my body no longer reacts. Awareness makes so much difference! With awareness I am able to remind myself, “oh, look, I am being triggered by this right now, just allow it to be there.” And, then I allow myself to feel my body without going into a story. Thoughts will control you if you don’t stay aware of them. And, it is so important not to follow the thoughts. Always check in with your body. If you are anxious, feel the body sensations rather than following your thoughts into the story. Keep going back to your body.

Please be gentle on yourself. Nurture yourself as much as possible. You will feel better the more you feel and the more you learn to love yourself. You DO deserve to feel good. Love is your natural state. Feeling will get you to the truth inside. It will be painful at times, but keep reminding yourself that the emotions are just energy moving through.  Stay with your body. Thank your body for getting you to this day, for getting you through the pain, for helping you cope. Give yourself a big hug from me. 

Listening to this makes me feel calm and makes me feel the truth of who I really am. I hope it makes you feel good too.

 

 

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