Underneath the anger

Written by Amie on September 20, 2012 – 1:26 pm -

“By clinging to the mind in the form of memory and thought, we are held captive by the movement of our conditioned thinking and imagination, all the while believing that we are perfectly rational and sane.” ~Adyashanti

 

no longer trapped

I really am just an onion…so many layers of me I must peel away to get to the true me. The layers peel away faster and faster these days. Clarity comes much quicker and easier than it did a few years ago. Or even a year ago. I am grateful I am just an onion now, and not stuck inside the bullet proof box I was trapped in before. I was locked in my box of protection, so trapped in the deep dark place that I called depression. The sad thing is that I didn’t even know I was stuck there, I thought how I felt was normal. Well, I suppose you could say it was normal at the time. There is no right normal or wrong normal. I still believe we are always exactly where we need to be in every  moment of our lives. For reasons yet to be revealed to me at the time, I needed the protection of that box. Once I started peeling away layers, I can see and appreciate why I needed to protect myself emotionally.

furious beyond words

That idea leads me into how I am feeling right now. I will start with a few days ago. I was furious beyond words. Anger is powerful. It can lead us to do something destructive to ourselves or others, or it can lead to awareness, acceptance, and clarity. I wasn’t sure which route I was going to go at first. I wanted to scream at the person who was unkind to me. I wanted to part ways with her for the rest of my life. I wanted her to “know” that her behavior was wrong and unacceptable! I wanted her to know that she should never mess with me. That was my ego talking, and it was also the little girl inside me who has been hurt repeatedly by this person. It would have been easy to fall into the victim role of “oh poor me, why does she continue to act this way?” That is the route I probably would have taken many years ago. Instead, I let the anger provide fuel for me to empower myself. Anger is an emotion (really it is energy), but it is rarely the actual emotion we are feeling. It is an emotion that is easier to have than the true feelings underneath. My anger led me to the realization that nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent, a quote by the very brilliant woman Eleanor Roosevelt. My anger spurred me to take my power back.

 

healing begins with becoming aware

After allowing my anger to just be there for a few days, clarity began to move in. I was thinking about a friend of mine who is so confident in her own skin and is not afraid to let her truth shine out there in the world. Many people might look at this as being arrogant or self-absorbed or whatever other negative traits we have been trained to think. However, this is not the case at all with her. She feels safe to shine her light in the world, and will not apologize for doing so. There is nothing to apologize for, why should she? I wish everybody felt this confident about themselves (we all have the capacity to do so). Then the world could be blessed with  every single beautiful part of every person!  Sadly, until we do our own internal work, most people feel guilty or shameful about feeling confident about themselves. So many people are still believing those damn voices that are telling them, “you shouldn’t say that, people will think you are a know-it-all, or people will think you are stuck up, or people will think you are….blah blah blah…” and the list goes on. We have been conditioned to believe we should care about what others think of us rather than living out the truth of who we really are. We learn that it isn’t emotionally safe to be ourselves in the world. Our true beautiful selves were smashed down too often for us to trust that it is safe to be who we really are. Our job is to become aware of the messages we were conditioned with and then question them. Healing begins with becoming aware of the voices in your head and what they are saying to you.

they confirm your feelings of self hate

Okay, back to the thought of experiencing guilt or shame when feeling confident. I realized after thinking about my confident friend that a huge part of my anger towards the person mentioned above is due to her being uncomfortable with my joy and happiness. When I appear confident to her, she starts judging me and expressing her disapproval of what I choose to do in my life. The main thing is that she is making up her own stories about my life. She actually believes she knows me and knows how I live my life. This I find amusing. How can a person know who I really am when I rarely see them, AND when I rarely show my true self to them? I protect myself from people that judge me. Until you have done a lot of healing work, it is best to avoid being around unkind and judgmental people because it is easy to stay depressed around them. They confirm your feelings of self hate. By limiting my time with them, I am accepting them as they are. I accept that this person is judgmental, and will most likely continue to act in the same manner. I accept it for what it is, but I also choose to avoid being around her.  I have no place in my life for people who claim they love me but then judge me and talk badly about me to other people in my life. This is how I take my power back. I choose to either eliminate them from my life or severely limit my time with those who continue to betray me and to be judgmental of me.

someone is judging you

I will have compassion for them from a distance. I understand what it is like to have so much self hate that it is easiest to look at everyone around me to judge them instead of doing my own inner reflection and healing work.  I am so far removed from self hate now, there is no way I will choose to be around people who are unkind to me. I wish them well, and I do hope they find the courage to heal those parts of themselves that need love and compassion, but I can’t do it for them, and I won’t be a part of their negativity. When someone is judging you, it is ALWAYS because of the feelings that were triggered inside them. It is never about you! They may try to blame you or try to tell you you should change, etc. but if they could become aware of their true feelings, they would begin to see the truth. The truth is that something about you or your life triggered an emotional wound in them. THIS is the work each of us can do. Asking the questions. Why does this person “make” me feel angry, why does that person “make” me feel self conscious, why does this person “make” me feel like I don’t matter……..question everything. It is the beginning of awareness and the path to healing.

 

YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS……….YOUR TRUTH IS INSIDE YOU HIDING UNDERNEATH THE CONDITIONING YOU HAVE BEEN BUYING INTO……NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR OR BAD WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT……YOU HOLD THE POWER IN YOUR LIFE…….IF SOMEBODY IS UNKIND TO YOU, SET A BOUNDARY TO PROTECT YOURSELF……YOU ARE PURE LOVE UNDERNEATH THE MESSAGES YOU HAVE BEEN BELIEVING….DEPRESSION EXISTS AS LONG AS YOU BUY INTO THE UNTRUTHS YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH…….IF YOU ARE HIDING OR PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM THE WORLD, YOU ARE BLOCKING LOVE FROM  COMING INTO YOUR HEART……BEGIN TO HEAL BY QUESTIONING AND BECOMING AWARE OF YOUR THOUGHTS…..YOUR THOUGHTS DICTATE THE LIFE YOU HAVE……YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK…….THINK LOVE……. 🙂

 

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Depression, Healing & personal growth, healing from depression, Help with depression, Self hate, Self-love | No Comments »
RSS