Emotional pain in other people

Written by Amie on October 25, 2014 – 2:08 am -

Compassion

When I feel other people in emotional pain, it is really hard for me. I am highly sensitive. I know this is one reason why being around others’ emotional pain can be difficult at times.  It can be hard work sometimes protecting myself from taking on their energy. The other reason is that I have so much compassion for others, especially those in emotional pain. It is not an easy journey being stuck in emotional hell. I’ve been there, many many times. Sometimes it is really hard because while I feel their pain, I also see ways for them to heal it. I know they can’t “hear me” unless they are ready. Many people are not ready to face their true emotional pain, especially if there is a lot of trauma involved or abuse was part of their background. So, even though I know I could share ways to help them, I also know I can’t unless they ask and they are truly ready.

I could see the pain on this person’s face

I met with someone today who I have been estranged from for close to three years now. It was one of those times when I was really hoping this person was ready to face some of their pain, so that our relationship could be restored.  I was wrong. This person only wanted to prove they were “right”. It was frustrating and heartbreaking all at the same time. I could see the pain on this person’s face, feel the pain in their energy. And, I could do nothing for them. If I were to “agree” to their “rightness”, I would be giving away a part of myself, and I can’t do that anymore. So I had to walk away, probably for good, from someone who has been in my life since my birth. (minus the last three years. )Very sad. This person isn’t willing to be vulnerable and to really face the pain of their past, and the pain of what happened. They say they have, but I don’t see it in their actions. The same behavior is present, so how can things be any different?

It is also FREEING

Honestly, I can’t even be angry because I truly understand emotional pain and being afraid to feel it. I remember a time when I didn’t even realize my depression had deep roots in my emotional pain. I just thought depression was a “state” of mind, something that happened to people who were flawed. No, nobody is flawed. Ever. People are wounded. Often. More often than not. It takes great strength and courage to really face emotional pain. It IS painful. It is also FREEING. When we feel, we heal.

Actions always speak way louder than words

So now I truly have to completely let go of any hope that this relationship will get healthy. I pretty much knew that already, but now it is 100% clear to me. This person is stuck in their emotional wounding, and it is blocking them from healing so that their relationships today can be healthy. It is very sad. I am sad. I have more grieving to do. I must also grieve for what could have been. Years ago, I would have just given a part of myself away and gone back to the way things were. I love myself so much now that I won’t do it. I practice self care, which means setting healthy boundaries. This is healthy and not easy. It isn’t always easy because those who are stuck in their ways will tell you how wrong you are and that you aren’t listening to them, etc etc. And I say, “actions always speak way louder than words.” Being vulnerable is not easy. Feeling your pain is not easy. But it is SO worth it!

 

Here is a good video that talks about “the pain body” (accumulated emotional pain and trauma)

 

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Connection, Healing & personal growth, Nurture yourself, Self-love | No Comments »

Letting go of the good little girl

Written by Amie on April 8, 2014 – 3:27 am -

 “You know the truth by the way it feels” ~India Arie

 

if I stand in my truth, I am not a nice person

The a-ha moments just keep coming. And for that I am grateful. Not always excited to go through the uncomfortable stages of the process, but once I’m on the other side, I feel relief and I feel as though I have shed more of the deeply held beliefs that sometimes keep me stuck. My latest a-ha moment has been floating around in my body for a while, but I just wasn’t exactly sure what it was. Until now. Now I know exactly what it is. It is the deeply held belief that if I stand in my truth, I am not a nice person. I am not a “good girl”. I am a troublemaker. This also goes along with the other belief I thought was true. The belief that tells me I am assumed bad and I must try to convince people of my inherent goodness. I am using the terms good/bad here just for reference points. I don’t really believe in the terms good/bad as they are used in our society. But that’s for another post. I wrote about it hereAnyway, I came to realize that my automatic reaction to someone who is criticizing me or judging me is to try to defend myself. I am grateful that I am able to observe myself now rather than get sucked into the old belief.

this nagging feeling

What I didn’t realize before now is that no matter what I say, I will never be seen for who I really am as long as I am not complying with their wishes. In other words, if I don’t continue doing things “the way we have always done them”, I will be seen in a way that benefits them. It makes so much sense to me now as to why I was so harsh on myself. When a person has to constantly defend their own truth, the negative can very well start seeping into their core. Especially if this way of being has been years in the making. Thankfully, I started down the road to self-love a few years ago, and I do love myself now, which feels so freeing! However, I hadn’t realized exactly what this nagging feeling was that continued to hang around. When I chose to set boundaries instead of going back to business as usual, this  old way of being came to light. I saw very clearly that I had been conditioned to believe I am a bad person if I voice beliefs that don’t follow protocol, so to speak. If I speak out against the things that hurt my heart or hurt others, I am labeled a troublemaker or someone who is weak or selfish.

 I stand up for what I believe in

I don’t want to be the good little girl anymore. And I stopped being that girl a few years ago. This does not mean I am a bad person. This doesn’t mean I think my way is better than someone else’s way.  This means I stand up for what I believe in and I follow my heart, even if it goes against what others may believe. Being a good girl meant that I followed what others wanted me to do. Being a good girl meant that I shut off my own needs and my own voice so that others could remain in their own stories. I was a good girl so that others could stay comfortable. Thankfully, that girl gets a rest now. She has my love and compassion, but she is no longer choosing the familiar way. The familiar way led me to a deep dark hole of depression. If I would have stayed in the “safe zone” of continuing to be the good little girl, I would not be in a very healthy place right now. I finally broke free. I finally stopped being the good little girl who tried to meet everyone else’s needs while starving myself in the process.

To just merely exist is not living

When I realized how starved I was, I began down the path to self-love. I thought I was being “good” by always taking other people’s needs into account before my own. I didn’t know a different way existed. Until I learned another way. I learned to nurture myself and to love myself. I learned that taking care of me did not mean I would ignore everyone else. It meant that I matter, my needs matter, and I will follow my truth. I learned that yes,I was born for a reason, and it is my duty to figure out why I am here. To just merely exist is not living. I was not fully alive until I began listening to and trusting my heart. If we were all to take care of our internal emotional wounding, and learn that we are important and we deserve our own love, the whole world would change. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. The more we heal our wounds, the more we are available to really authentically help others. We would no longer help others from a place of obligation; we would help them because we have room in our hearts to fully, authentically help them. So, I choose being an authentic, loving woman, and I let that good little girl have a very long rest.

 

This is so beautiful…gratitude.

 

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs,with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”~Iyanla Vanzant

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | No Comments »
RSS