letting go of the outcome

Written by Amie on July 18, 2013 – 2:56 am -

“The greatest fear in the world is of the opinions of others. And the moment you are unafraid of the crowd you are no longer a sheep, you become a lion. A great roar arises in your heart, the roar of freedom.” ~Osho

 

not conforming to dysfunctional ways

I had about a month of not having to deal with people accusing me of ruining things. What “ruining things”  means to me is that I shook things up by not conforming to what other people wanted me to do. I didn’t go back to “business as usual”. This felt really good to have some time away from the unhealthy actions of people who were living in their roles of the victim.  Sad, but good. And then today, another form letter arrived in my mailbox. I call it a form letter because it is words written down that have no feeling in them whatsoever, besides an attempt to guilt me in hopes that I will say, “sure, let’s go back to the way things were.” It is so very sad to me that some people may never face their emotional pain. Instead, they project their negativity onto those around them, especially any loved ones that allow them to. They project their negativity onto others, blaming the other people instead of facing the truth. It is easier to do this, I get it. And it is hard work to face years and years of dysfunctional behavior. But, it is also the only way to heal yourself and to heal relationships that have been harmed.  

DEAL with the affects of alcoholism and enabling and unhealthy behavior

Unhealthy behavior can be blamed on alcoholism, on drug abuse, etc etc. However, my question is always, “what is the alcoholic or the recovering alcoholic, or the person overeating, or shopping too much, etc. covering up?” What feelings and experiences are they avoiding that they aren’t ready to face? Instead of facing their pain, they tend to lash out and hurt others. It can be verbally, emotionally, or physically, or all of these.  I get it, it is painful work to face emotional pain. Yes, people are affected by loved ones who have addictions. I get it. I have been affected by alcoholic behavior. I was also affected by enabling behavior. I get that too. I was forced to draw a boundary. I had to if I wanted to keep myself healthy. To further my own healing. To DEAL with the affects of alcoholism and enabling and unhealthy behavior (instead of just blaming alcoholism, I took action). I have worked through many of the issues that have stemmed from this. Years of undoing the unhealthy behaviors I learned. It gets very tiring to hear someone telling me I have been affected by alcoholism. I get it. I know. I took action. Stop using this as a way to avoid looking at your own pain and avoid taking action by continuing to tell me  I was affected. I get it, it is more convenient to blame everything on something so that no action has to be taken.  Other people, on the other hand, have not taken action to change their situation and begin their healing. Therefore, boundaries must be put in place. If a person chooses to live a certain way, I am okay with that. But please don’t ask me to pretend I am okay with living that way. I love myself enough to take good care of myself. Please stop trying to put blame where blame doesn’t belong. It is what steps you take in order to take your power back, to begin healing , that will change things. If no steps are taken, the unhealthy person or people will continue on down the road hurting others and not taking responsibility for their actions.

But don’t expect others to be the target for your anger and lies

The truth is that I wish healing for all those I love. That doesn’t mean I want to subject myself to disrespectful, unhealthy, and sometimes very mean behavior. I won’t. It means I will send them love from afar and let go of the outcome. I have to let go. I have to take care of myself and my family. I have been doing my own work for years now. I don’t care if someone disagrees with my going to therapy, or to therapy in general. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, I am doing what is best for me. I only wish healing for all. Staying in denial can be a necessary thing for some people. I get it. Sometimes it truly is just too painful. I understand. But don’t expect others to be the target for your anger and lies. You will have to deal with that yourself. Again, I will send you love from afar. If you don’t understand where I am coming from, it might be helpful to find a therapist that will support you. I only wish some people understood that doing inner work creates self-love. It can be frustrating to hear that some people believe therapy is about sitting with the therapist and bashing those who have caused you pain.  Healthy therapy is not that at all. Healthy therapy is being supported on the journey to self-love. It is about truth, it is about taking responsibility for your actions, behaviors, and words. It is about taking ownership of your life. It is learning to be truthful about your feelings and learning to feel your emotions! It is about being gentle with yourself while you unlearn beliefs and thoughts that were never true to begin with. I still believe all is exactly as it should be. I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing. Everything happens for a reason. It is a process. Be real. Be truth. Be love. Be authentic. Heal. Grow. Love. Find your truth. Live your truth. Be brave. Be courageous. Love yourself through it all. Be gentle.

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Posted in Awareness, Connection, Healing & personal growth, healing from depression, Self hate, Self-love | 2 Comments »

The “cause” of depression leads to the pathway out of it

Written by Amie on November 6, 2010 – 10:42 pm -

At some point the deadness gets to be too much

If I were to look at 100  people and compare the “cause” for their depression, the causes would most likely all look different. Maybe one person says they have a “genetic” factor to their depression, while a second person says they have been chronically depressed because they were abused as a child. A third person may say they are depressed because they were bullied and made to feel worthless. These are all different circumstances for depression, all with their own pain and validity. Many people would not be able to name the reasons as to why they are depressed, but everything leads to the fact that their true self has been shut off. Since depression is usually a chronic deep dark feeling of  horrible dread and wanting to crawl under a rock, it is difficult to see past. I am able to step back now and see that depression is my body’s way of screaming to me that something is off, something is out of balance inside me, something is begging to be healed. So, when I am able to look at this as being the “cause” of my depression, I remind myself to take some time to just sit with myself, and let things just be as they are. Allow my body to bring things to the surface without trying to fix them or figure them out. Just be aware, and always keep breathing through strong emotions. To me, the “cause” of depression is the underlying “stuff” inside my body that is being ignored or repressed. It is a signal to me that I am needing something. Some time to just be alone, some time to express my emotions, some time to cry, some time to just accept what is. The “cause” is the start of the pathway out. Looking within to see what your body and soul is needing is your pathway to get out of depression. Looking within to see the truth of who you really are.


Once a person “goes to sleep” to their wholeness, depression is the body’s normal reaction.

When we learn to ignore our true self, we create more “stuff” inside ourselves that will need to be healed. When there is a long history of ignoring our true self, we become separated from our own unique self. Depression is my body and soul’s way of saying, “let the true you shine. Let it out! You are worthy and you are powerful!” My soul knows that I am not showing my true self, and in return gives me a “wake up call” to encourage me to look within. It knows exactly what it is I need, and that I am capable of healing my past traumas so that my true self will be revealed. Some people suffer with much deeper depression than others. Some people are able to “act as though” things are fine, but inside, they are dead. At some point the deadness gets to be too much, and a deep very dark depression takes over. Once a person “goes to sleep” to their wholeness, depression is the body’s normal reaction. We all want to feel alive and whole. Once we go to sleep and stop paying attention to what is true in us, our whole body changes-the hormones and chemicals, the physiological, the mental, everything changes. I believe this is why doctors can diagnose a person as having a chemical imbalance. I do not believe people are born this way. I believe that it happens because our truth becomes so far away from the reality we are living in. We have been conditioned to cover up the beautiful soul that lies within. How sad.

A family history of depression, a family history of alcoholism

When a person is forced to live a life that has nothing to do with who they really are, it seems inevitable that depression will become a factor in their life. When my depression became bad enough that I sought out help, I didn’t have any clue as to why it would be so bad. There were many theories thrown around. One was a family history of depression, a family history of alcoholism, etc etc. None of these made me feel any better. The answer was that I should get on an antidepressant and go to therapy. To me this felt like someone telling me, “well, you are kind of screwed, you have this terrible family history of depression and alcoholism, you may as well just accept the fact that you will probably fight with this your whole life. You may as well make the best of it, and talk to a therapist. ” Now I can look back and see why years of therapy and a few years of antidepressants did absolutely nothing for me except make me feel flawed, and make me feel dull-like I couldn’t cry even if I desperately needed to. That is just not good enough! I also want to throw in the (now very obvious to me) idea that a therapist can only help someone if they have done their own healing work. Being “book smart” or “lots of workshops” smart just doesn’t cut it when it comes to the processing of real, deep, dark, messy, scary, painful emotions. To be able to help someone get to the pathway of healing, you have to have gone through it yourself. And, even then, the person “helping” you can’t do the actual work for you, they can only be a witness for you. They can be there as your support. You are the only one who can “feel” what is true for you.

I would venture to speculate that at least 90% of the people walking the earth right now would be deemed “mentally ill”

Every single human has some inner work that needs to be done. Some people have adults around them that are more conscious than others, so they may not have as much healing work to do. But, I would venture to speculate that at least 90% of the people walking the earth right now would be deemed “mentally ill” (another term I really hate, and will address further on)  if they were to look at their true emotions and how they just go through the motions of each day living in their drama and keeping themselves busy so as to not have to look at their inner life.  The ones not willing to keep suffering are the ones that will decide to look within-to really face the pain and learn ways to integrate their past traumas and repressed emotions. I believe that our world is rapidly changing. I believe that people are really starting to  “wake up” to see how much they have been missing. We are waking up to see how dysfunctional this world is. I don’t want to sound like a downer because I see this as a blessing. I see this as a positive thing going on. I see more compassion and more love coming for all of us.

The “genetic” role in depression

I want to address the idea of the genetic role in depression, and the term “mental illness”. These two things still drive me nuts when I hear people say them. Sure, depression can seemingly “run in families”. However, in my opinion, it can run in families because dysfunction runs in families. In other words, if the family members are not willing to look at themselves and the traumas and repressed emotions that are a part of them, then yes, they will most definitely pass on the traits of depression. They will pass on the learned skills of avoiding emotions, quieting other family members that may trigger them, using a drug of choice to try to quiet their inner voices, and do whatever they can to avoid reality. These are the reasons depression runs in families, in my opinion. The term “mental illness” should just be banned from existence. It is such a negative term. It feels like a catch-all phrase. It is used to label people instead of giving them information that will encourage them to look within in order to find their true self and their human side. I am not saying antidepressants should never be used. I just wish that it wasn’t the norm to label a person and give them the impression that this is the only route to follow. I want it to become the norm that people suffering fro depression will be given tools to help them begin the process of looking within to find ways to change their lives so that their true self will shine through. I hope that teaching people to know that it is OK to feel, and OK to express their truth will become the norm.  People should be taught that it is OK to feel. It is OK to be human, and it makes for a strong person to be vulnerable. We have not learned how to be and to feel. We have been taught that being who we really are is scary and bad and we should fear anything that looks “out of the ordinary”. Follow along like little ducklings.

Feeling so depressed you can’t function

So, in a nutshell what I am saying is that there is not a specific “cause” for depression. The “cause” is that we are fighting within ourselves to try to get back to our “real” self, instead of being the actor we have learned to be. The “cause” is that we have been basically killed of our human side. We have learned to be happy, to avoid sad or other “negative” emotions, and to pretend that all is well with us. When our inside “stuff” shouts loud enough, “depression” will set in, in hopes of leading us to the path of our truth. The search can be called off. When the voices scream loud enough, you will know. You will know that you can’t stand another moment of feeling so depressed that you can’t function. This is when your truth is ready to be released and heard. It can be scary to face your own truth, I don’t claim anything different. And it isn’t just a matter of sitting down and saying OK I’m ready to know my truth. This is definitely the start, but we must be patient with ourselves and give ourselves time and patience to release the things that will show us the path to healing. We all have “issues” because we are human. When we just allow ourselves to breathe and feel while being with ourselves, the path will start showing itself to us. Each repressed emotion or trauma that is revealed is a brick in the pathway. It can really help to have someone act as a “witness” to hear what comes up for you. Other times, old stuff may be released and you have no words for what it was. That’s OK too. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t buy into the belief that something about you is flawed. You are perfect exactly as you are, and you are exactly where you are supposed to be. The pathway “out of depression” is to follow your heart. Follow the truth of who you really are.Namaste.

I thought I would add this video because I love it so much! I’ve posted it before, but I need to post it again. I saw Michael Franti & Spearhead in concert, and he is incredible! SO present, and so focused on peace and love in the whole world! Check it out!

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, Healing & personal growth | 1 Comment »
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