Overflowing with love-showing my authenticity!!!!!

Written by Amie on October 30, 2011 – 1:11 am -

 I had been dimming my shiny self

I ended up going to the Suicide Prevention walk last weekend. The morning of the walk was really difficult. Once we started walking, I was much better. I’m still not sure if I am glad I participated, but I am happy that I spent time with my whole family. I was meditating the day after we returned home and it hit me! I had one of those “a-ha” moments that resonated deep inside me. Throughout my journey of healing from depression, I have come to realize that I have been conditioned to “dim my light”. By this, I mean I hide part of my authentic self. I have done so much healing around this, and I am much much better at being who I really am. This weekend it became so clear to me just how much I have been dimming my shiny self. I am in a place right now where I am able to really take a step back to observe my interactions with others. I think this is why it was so obvious to me how I have learned to “turn down” my overflow of love.

 I *knew* on an intellectual level that I must have been doing this most of my life

I truly felt so much love for each member of my family, and for every person I came into contact with during the weekend. I caught myself falling into my conditioned habit of turning down my joy and happiness in order to match that of the other person. It became so clear to me how I learned to dim my inner light so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. I learned to shut off the happy joyful side of myself because those around me might not be feeling so happy. This was such a huge realization for me. I *knew* on an intellectual level that I must have been doing this most of my life, but I had never *seen* it with such clarity. I can see how this all goes hand in hand with depression. I have written so much on here about depression hanging around until a person decides to be honest with themselves and others, and to be authentic and show their truth. I was still sort of shocked, but in a really relieved kind of way, to see this in action, so to speak. For example, someone would come up to me to talk, and I would gauge their mood, and then act accordingly. If I felt as though I was feeling happier than they did, I would tone down my own happiness. Wow, I can’t believe I was doing this for so many years! No wonder I was so depressed!

How could it ever be a bad thing to show how happy I am?

It is clear to me now that I learned to feel guilty if I felt happy and joyful. Just typing those words feels so sad and makes me angry as well! How could it ever be a bad thing to show how happy I am? It all comes back to receiving the message that in order to be loved, I need to change who I am. If I want to feel accepted, I need to change in order to be acceptable in the eyes of others. Well, let me just say, this is no longer a reality in my life. I feel so happy and full of joy right now. The contrast is unbelievable! How low I felt a few years ago compared to now. I never thought I would feel this good! I know there will be more “layers” of processing that will show up, so I am enjoying this! There will always be emotions and experiences to process, but I do believe the worst of it is behind me now.

When someone is depressed, my first suggestion is to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs going through their mind

Since I have become more aware that I do this, I am able to talk to myself and remind myself that it is ok to be exactly who I am. It is the other person’s problem if they are uncomfortable with my joy! Being joyful and happy is my birthright and your birthright! We do not ever have to change in order to fit someone else’s reality. Again, it is not my problem if someone is uncomfortable with how good I feel! It is so important to become aware of the habits and the beliefs and the thoughts we have. When someone is depressed, my first suggestion is to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs going through their mind. Then question the validity of these. Acknowledge your truth, and then begin taking baby steps to act upon your truth. We all have a right to be happy and to express our truth!!!

 

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Believe nothing until YOU decide it is true

Written by Amie on August 25, 2010 – 1:00 am -

You don’t need to be fixed

So it has been awhile since I have written, but I am feeling the need to write, so here I am! I have been doing so much internal processing, and I just haven’t had the urge to write until now. I am reading the book The Presence Process, and I am doing the work involved. I highly recommend this book! For me, it is exactly what I needed after reading A New Earth.  I want to write because I am hoping that my journey and process might help someone else on their journey. I think it is really important to remember that no one person or people can give you the answers you need to “fix” you. The reason I believe this is true is because nobody needs to be fixed, and each one of us has everything we need right inside us. Our “job” is to remember what is already within us. Every single person is perfect exactly as they are. Each one of us is exactly where we are supposed to be. We can read and listen to other people which is helpful, but we still have to follow our own heart. Others can get us started on the path to discovering the truth within us, but nobody can do it for us or tell us exactly what is “right” for us. We must remember that we are loved and we can remember the truth when we choose to. It really is a choice that we can make. We can choose to believe the “stories” we have been told our whole lives, whether these were verbal or non-verbal, or we can choose to not believe one single thing unless it resonates 100%  with us. I do understand what it is like to be so depressed that you don’t know to even question your beliefs. However, since you are reading this, you must have a feeling somewhere in your body, that is telling you there is another way to be living.

The towel police???

I want to help you remember the truth that you were born with. Most of us get sidetracked and forget this truth. Rather, we are conditioned and shaped to believe what others and society deem as “right”. The truth is each of us knows exactly what we need, what we want, what we feel. The problem is that we have bought into the stories that we were told. Because we were children when these stories were told, we had no way of knowing that we could question these stories. I have been quite shocked lately at the things I have discovered about myself. In fact, I am questioning everything. I don’t just mean beliefs in general. I mean I question everything I am doing, seeing, believing, liking, observing……I went shopping the other day for some bath towels. I was looking at the colors available, and thinking to myself, “I can’t buy all of the colors that I really like, I have to just choose one color so that they all match.” I almost convinced myself that I HAD TO do this. I almost convinced myself that I had no choice but to purchase one color so that…..so that what??????? The towel police wouldn’t come arrest me for choosing multiple colors of towels….and they don’t all match????? WOW, I realized what my thoughts were telling me and I laughed out loud, and then proceeded to buy whatever colors I loved!!!! And, guess what, they don’t really even match the colors in my bathroom….I know…what a shock!!!! I felt so happy when I left the store. I loved the colors I picked out, and I loved that I chose them because I wanted to, not because of some voice from somewhere (?) was telling me what I should do.

Right/Wrong/Good/Bad

This is the incident that really clarified things for me. I had been questioning my beliefs before, but not to this degree. I wasn’t really allowing myself  to be completely myself. I still had these voices telling me what I “Should” do and what was right/wrong/good/bad. My goal is to not label anything good or bad, right or wrong because who gets to decide what is right or wrong, good or bad???? I am not going by someone else’s idea of that anymore. I check in with myself, and then I decide what I would like to do. I feel free! My world consists of the stories in my head. I want to encourage you to question every single thing that you do. Try to become aware of the stories for each encounter you have. Become a curious child again, and ask yourself why? Why can’t I have the color of towels that I want? Why can’t I go do something nice for myself. Don’t believe any of the stories you are telling yourself unless you can prove that they are true. I can’t think of one valid reason for me not to have multiple colored towels. How can I prove that I must have a matching set? I can’t. It is a story I picked up somewhere along the way. Most of the time, our stories make NO SENSE!  Learning to observe everything without judgment is helping me so much. I am able to step back and laugh at most things I “thought” we true. As Buddha said, “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”

LOVE this song and video by Michael Franti! Remember…..YOU are loved always!!!!! Remember the truth within you that can never be taken away.

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