Why, Why, Why???????

Written by Amie on December 23, 2009 – 9:31 pm -

I want to know why, and I want to know right now!

Asking the question “why” makes for suffering. Depression begs the question, “why”?  Why do I have to feel bad, why is this happening to me, why can’t I make it go away, why can’t I just change my perspective and feel better, why do I feel bad again, why won’t this pain ever stop? When I have been in a deep depression, I usually get stuck in these, “Why” questions. I am pushing so hard against the pain because I just want it to go away. Then, it passes and I remind myself that I could have made it a bit easier on myself if I would have done a few things differently. The most important thing is to remind myself in a non-judgmental way.

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I hate depression, that is what I know right now!

Instead of focusing on the pain and the emotions that I don’t want to experience, I can focus on the fact that I *hate* feeling depressed, and then just sit with that. Then, I can focus on the fact that I feel anxious and frustrated because I don’t *know why* I feel so bad. It is important to focus on what is happening *right now*. Right now, I feel scared to feel my true feelings. Right now, I feel pissed at the world for making me depressed. (yeah, a bit far fetched, but I like to blame someone else sometimes!) Right now, I am frustrated because I am not being gentle with myself. So, the trick is to just *be* with what is in the moment. Yes, that is the hardest part sometimes! Whatever you are feeling right now, acknowledge it, and you will feel a shift in your energy. When I can remember to say to myself (or someone else, if that is applicable) what I am feeling, my energy shifts almost immediately.

What do I feel right now?

Being in the moment is tough because it makes us see our truth right in front of us. *Here I am* it says. Here is what I feel right now. If we can honor our feelings no matter what they are, we are allowing our truth to shine through. Depression can not be healed until we honor who we are. Each time we bury our truth, we are contributing to depression. Depression is like a huge pile of unprocessed feelings. The more we heap onto the pile, the deeper we go into depression. Our truth, or who we really are is buried until that pile of untruths. I want to remind you that I am saying all of this in a non-judgmental way. That is another trap I have fallen into. If I am not present, or I don’t honor myself by allowing my truth to shine, or if I don’t use the knowledge I have that I know will help me feel better, than I beat myself up for not remembering these things. This is a trap that will keep you stuck in depression. It is like an invisible arm reaching out of that pile of untruths grabbing your leg to pull you back into the pile. If you forget to stay in the moment, or if it is just too painful to feel at the moment, than just let it go, give yourself the option to deal with it later. Give yourself the tenderness, and the gentleness to do what you need to do. If avoiding things is what you need, then by all means, avoid it!  Be gentle on yourself. Being rough on ourselves is a habit that can be changed. We have convinced ourselves that we are failures if we don’t do the things that we have learned will help us to feel better. It is all part of the process!

Follow the signs that say, “this way to the perfect way of being”

We are all in the process of healing. There is not a straight road with exact signs pointing the exact way to *the perfect way of being*. If we can be gentle on ourselves, that is more than half the battle. If we can just let go of the need to *know why*, that’s another hurtle. When we can just sit back and be who we are, which is really the observer, we find freedom. We are not the ones suffering, we are the ones watching the suffering. Our true self is the one sitting back watching things. Our true self is pure love, everything is exactly how it should be. Easy? Nah! Sometimes easy? Yes!  Self-love comes when we are able to give ourselves a break. Self-love is there when we can gently put an arm around ourselves, and just let it be. When we are able to wrap ourselves up in love like we would a newborn baby, we just passed one of those signs that tell us we are on the right track.

 

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