Grief; Healing my heart one piece at a time

Written by Amie on October 5, 2013 – 2:09 am -

my heart is on the outside of my body

My sweet doggy died unexpectedly a few days ago. My heart feels like it is broken into a million pieces. There was no warning, no time to plan a good bye. He was too young to go. But yet he did. One day he was a healthy, high energy, happy guy, the next he was gravely ill. How could this be? The grief is deep and it is raw. I grieve for him, and yet I feel I am grieving for all of the sad experiences I’ve ever been through. I feel I am grieving my brother’s death 6 1/2 years ago. I screamed when I found out my dog died, and that scream was so deep and so raw, I know I was grieving for more than my sweet dog. It feels as though my heart is on the outside of my body, as vulnerable as it can be. It doesn’t take much to send me into a heavy bout of crying. He should still be here, yet he isn’t. Wishing for something other than what is makes me suffer. But I continue to wish for things to be different. Accepting what is makes it feel too final. I’m not ready for it to feel so final. (and I ask myself, am I also still wishing for my brother to be here? I know the answer to that)

“what do I really know for certain?”

As each hour passes, I ponder the question, “what do I really know for certain?” And I keep coming back to, “not much, maybe nothing at all.” I do know love, I know it is the one constant. It is always there, even if hidden at times. I know I am breathing in this moment right now. But, in the big picture, what do I really know? Not much, maybe nothing at all. And so I keep pondering. Right when I think I know something for sure, it changes. So maybe I know nothing stays the same, everything changes. I know it is difficult to let go of those I love. It is difficult to let go of someone I thought would be around for as long as I needed. I know I relied on my dog a lot more than I realized. He brought a certain safety to my life. And he brought unconditional love. He loved me no matter how grumpy I was, he loved me even if I didn’t take him for a walk every time he wanted to go, he loved me no matter what I did. He was pure love. He showed me complete presence, he saw me for me. He felt my heart, he knew I loved him even when he stole my shoe or my peanut butter sandwich! He showed me truth. He felt my emotions and didn’t even complain when they were pretty heavy.

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Grief reminds me that I am alive and I am human

It feels as though each time I allow myself to really be with my grief, to really embody it, to really feel the pain, a piece of my heart comes back together. Each painful piece, one by one comes back to begin the process of repairing the whole. And I know from experience, once those pieces come back together, my heart will be stronger and more willing to be loving and vulnerable than it was before this sad experience. Grief is such a unique emotion. It encompasses so much. So many other emotions wrapped up in a deep energetic feeling in the body. It really opens me up to so many questions. At first it makes me question everything. Did I love my dog enough, did he know how much I loved him, why didn’t I do more, why didn’t I know something was wrong before he showed any symptoms, did I take him to the wrong place, was there something more I could have done….I went on and on. Until I realized that by focusing on this, I was distracting myself from the grief. I was distracting myself from the pain. Grief reminds me that I am alive and that I am human. There is so much emotion coursing through me, there is no question whether or not I am alive. Grief makes love feel bigger than ever, yet scarier than ever at the same time.

We just keep storing away experiences that hurt us

When I went to a grief ritual retreat a few months back, it opened my eyes to see how much we, as humans, have to grieve. We barely allow ourselves the time and space to grieve. There can be layers upon layers of unexpressed grief within one person. Generations of unexpressed grief is passed on to the next generation again and again, until people finally start allowing themselves to feel it and then begin to heal. There are times during this grief process when I feel deep grief, and I am not even sure what it is. It is a feeling deep inside my body I can’t explain, but I know for sure it is grief coming to the surface to be released. So much sadness covered by layers of protective reactions. We just keep storing away experiences that hurt us, too afraid to feel the pain. These experiences continue to store themselves in our bodies, our cells. Until we allow ourselves the time and space to really deeply feel the pain. Then the energy can be released, and our bodies begin to heal. We feel lighter each time we allow ourselves to heal.

I feel loved, nurtured and supported by those in my “tribe”

Losing my dog has been so difficult. But the one blessing shining through is that I have incredible people in my life who love me. People who are there for me and who allow me to grieve exactly as I need to. This makes this painful experience more bearable. The supportive loving people in my life have allowed me to have the process I need to have, they accept me and my feelings. Having loving people reminds me of the wonderful feeling I had at the grief retreat. I feel loved, nurtured and supported by those in my “tribe”.

in our own processes, yet still sharing the experience

In the Dagara tribe in Africa, grief is shared by all. When someone is suffering, the tribe supports them and nurtures them while they grieve. They stop what they are doing and they are present with the grieving person. This is what I loved. We didn’t tell each other, “it will be okay, it will get better, etc”. Instead, I processed my grief while there was always someone right there with me, not saying anything, just being there for me. There was not one doubt that someone was always standing behind me and had my back. We all were grieving together, in our own processes, yet still sharing the experience. There was beautiful singing the entire time, drumming, candles, and just a complete feeling of safety. I truly wish everyone could experience this, and that this would become the norm for all cultures. Grief is a very essential part of our existence.  Being a part of this ritual was one of the most powerful experiences of my life.

 

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Posted in Connection, Grief and dying, Healing & personal growth, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 3 Comments »

Feeling validated and really “seeing” each other

Written by Amie on November 1, 2011 – 2:39 am -

I really feel the part of them that is also a part of me

I find myself saying “I feel you” to many people lately. It just sort of started coming out. I thought I might get some strange looks or someone asking me what the heck I am talking about, but I haven’t gotten either one of those reactions. The reaction I have gotten is validation. The people I say this to feel validated. They know that I see them and I hear them. This is so incredibly important. When I am truly present with someone, they can *feel* it. There is no question as to whether or not they are being seen. How often I come across people who are looking me in the eyes, but have no idea what I said  to them. They may be too busy thinking about what they are going to say next. I try to be present with everyone I come into contact with. It feels so good deep inside when I really *connect* with a complete stranger. When I look them in the eyes and say thank you, it is the best feeling in the world! I haven’t told a complete stranger that I *feel* them, lol, because I don’t want to scare them off! When I say “I feel you” to someone, I mean I feel a soul connection with them; I really feel the part of them that is also a part of me.

 look them in the eyes and really see them

When we are able to really see each other, we are able to see that we are all mirrors for each other. When we see each other and validate each other, we are better able to see that we are all connected and we all have suffering and we all feel love. We are all the same, just in different physical forms with slightly different stories. Try “seeing” each person you come into contact with for the whole day. Each time you speak to someone, forget about what you are going to say and just look them in the eyes and really see them. Look deep into their eyes and connect with them. It feels so good!

I was in a very bad place for a very long time

I suffered very deeply from depression. I was in a very bad place for a very long time. Looking back now, I see that I did not feel seen or validated. I was feeling invisible a lot of the time. I felt as though I was just drifting through life, just getting by. Thankfully I had my kids to shower love on, so this helped me heal. I made sure to let them know they were both seen and heard. Through this process with them, I was able to see that I missed this part of my own childhood. It is another form of learning to ignore our authentic self. So many people are conditioned to turn off their truth. Therefore, they can not feel seen, heard, or validated. This creates depression because their truth is being repressed.

settle deep inside your heart

The more we stop to see others, the more we will be able to see ourselves. The more we validate someone else’s feelings, the more we can validate our own. The more we open our heart to others, the easier it is to open our heart to ourselves. Listen to your inner voice. It is there to show you the path to authenticity and love. Validate it by being gentle with yourself. Allow that gentleness to come in and settle deep inside your heart. You were born to feel love, it is there all the time. See it, hear it, nurture it, feel it, *know* it.

 

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Posted in Connection, Depression, healing from depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | No Comments »
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