Written by Amie on October 22, 2011 – 12:00 pm -

Waves of grief

I wanted to write because this subject feels very alive in me right now. I am going this weekend to participate in a walk for Suicide Prevention. My brother committed suicide 4 years ago. I have not gone to one of the walks yet, I just couldn’t. There is a chance I may not be able to go this time either, we will see. A few weeks ago when I decided that I felt like going this time, it felt “right”. However, now that I am just a day away from actually going, I am having second thoughts. And I am having many many tears. Tears are good, but man, the wave of grief is big. I just keep reminding myself to breathe. I am trying to stay out of my head, and just let the feelings come and go. I guess this is like riding the waves. As long as I stay out of the commentary in my head,  I am able to just feel the sensations in my body. I trust the sensations to give me the “answers” I need. If I trust my body, it will let me know whether or not I want to go to the walk.

Breathing becomes the only thing we can do 

I am always surprised when I get these rushes of grief.  I’m not sure why I am surprised, but I am, nonetheless. I am not sure why the walk is affecting me so deeply. Usually it is my brother’s birthday, or the anniversary of his death (which is the day after my birthday) that sends me back to the waves of grief. Grief is such an interesting emotion. It feels different than sadness to me. When I tune into my body I feel the grief in the deepest part of my being. It comes from that place in my soul where the whole universe lives. The part of me that is connected to everything and everyone. The place where there are no words, just feeling. My heart hurts when I am in this place, but I know it will pass if I just let it be there. Right after my brother died, it was difficult to just remember to breathe. My body was holding onto my breath in hopes of stopping time in hopes of bringing my brother back. Hold on, hold your breath, maybe it will stop what is happening. Breathing becomes the only thing we can do sometimes. In times of deep grief, it is more than enough to just keep breathing in and out. Breathing moves the energy through the body. It is so important to remind ourselves to breathe. It is amazing to me how many times I have to remind myself to breathe. It seems like it should not be something I have to tell myself to do.


I trust the universe to show me what I need to do this weekend. It always does. I will stay with my feelings of grief and I will keep breathing and keep nurturing myself. Those are things I have control over. I trust that I will know what path to follow. I know my brother is with me no matter what I decide. I feel him around me when I tune in to the silence deep inside me. Keep breathing……trust………and just be. This too shall pass (until the next wave)…and all is well.


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