I am grateful

Written by Amie on July 29, 2013 – 3:31 am -

awareness 

Even though there was another “round” of dysfunctional behavior spewed at me yesterday, I am feeling very grateful. I am feeling very grateful for my journey of healing and growth. I am grateful for the awareness I have cultivated in myself. I did get triggered today because the person spewing was telling lies and throwing accusations at me based on lies. I do still get triggered at times especially when someone says very mean things about me personally. I’m still working on those triggers. I am grateful for my realization that I can choose not to take things personally. I am feeling grateful I was able to bring myself back to my truth in a much shorter time than in years past. I am grateful I was able to remind myself that these people are speaking from a very unhealthy, unconscious place. I am grateful I was present in myself enough to catch my reaction before I lost myself. Looking back, I wish I would not have engaged with them at all. I knew I would get exactly what I got, which was anger, denial and judgment. (one of the judgments was interesting; I was told this blog is garbage, which didn’t bother me in the least bit because I understand that my experiences probably triggered their own pain). I am grateful I was aware enough to know I was choosing to engage even though I already knew the outcome.

it is their “stuff”, not mine

I am grateful I knew to reach out to the people in my life who support me and know my journey. I am grateful I am aware enough to see that when others’ accuse me of things I know to be untrue, it is because they are projecting their own inner turmoil on me. I am grateful I know how to deflect their toxic words. I am grateful I understand where they are coming from and I am grateful I know to remind myself it is their “stuff”, not mine. I will not take on someone’s emotional pain and suffering. I am grateful I know not to do this. I am grateful I *know* without one shred of a doubt that I  am not responsible for other people’s baggage. I am grateful I am able to let go of the need to explain things to people who I know from past experience are not capable of hearing me. I am grateful for being aware enough to see that everyone is responsible for owning their own emotional pain. I am grateful I know I do not ever have to willingly put myself near people who continually hurt me and blame me for things I know I am not responsible for. I am grateful for the awareness of knowing that underneath anger and denial is always a person who is suffering deeply. I am grateful for the compassion I feel for the people close to me who are suffering underneath their anger and denial. I am grateful I learned to set boundaries with people who are not healthy.

I am grateful for my own projections

I am grateful I have healthy people in my life who support me and love me for who I am. I am grateful I know the difference between healthy behavior and unhealthy behavior. I am grateful that I am emotionally strong. I am grateful for the awareness I have. I am grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life. Many of them were excruciating, but had I not gone through these experiences, I would not be who I am today. I am grateful for the deep love I have for the person I am today. I am so grateful for the feeling of being loved unconditionally. I am grateful for the gift of truth. I am incredibly grateful for the courage I discovered within myself. I am grateful for the love I feel for myself. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned from my family even when they felt like very difficult lessons. I am grateful for the awareness and wisdom within me that I have learned to listen to and trust. I am grateful for the place inside me that knows when I accept “what is true”  in this moment I will reduce my suffering. I am grateful for my own projections because they allow me to learn more about the places in me that I am still working on healing. I am grateful, yes, I am grateful.

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Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 2 Comments »

Others need to see me in their own way for the benefit of their personal journey

Written by Amie on July 1, 2013 – 11:12 pm -

“You surrender to a lot of things which are not worthy of you. I wish you would surrender to your radiance… your integrity…your beautiful human grace.”~ Yogi Bhajanakes

 

depression is the suppression of the true self; trauma and repressed emotions included

I really love this quote. I have been thinking a lot about how much I surrendered my true self in the past. Mostly, to make those around me comfortable. I don’t beat myself up about this because I know that I did it unconsciously, I know I did it to cope with my life at the time. I know I buried my “radiance, my integrity, and my beautiful human grace”, so that I could get through my days without much conflict, and for the benefit of others. I understand now that people are going to do what they do because that’s what they need to do. It has nothing to do with me. I may just be the mirror they need in order to see what they need to see for their personal journey.  I have a clarity around this now. I know people see in me what they need to see for the benefit of their own journey. I know who I am and what I stand for, but this will not always be what others see. Before I grew stronger in myself, there was a time when I would be deeply hurt by what others thought of me, knowing they were so far off base.  I would internalize their words and I would believe there was something wrong with me, instead of questioning why they would say untrue words. In the past, I would act accordingly to their perspective. I became what they needed me to be, and they would be temporarily pacified. Meanwhile, my true self was dying a slow death. I felt the imbalance deep within me, but I blamed it on “depression”. “The reason I am feeling terrible is because I am so depressed.” I didn’t know to question why my true self was dying.  The definition of depression for me back then was, “There is something wrong with ME”. This was before I understood that depression is the suppression of the true self, which includes traumas and repressed emotions.

they want to see the me that will make *their* story true

I was surrendering to what others needed from me. I was surrendering to what I had to do in order to survive. I surrendered to what I needed to do so that I could cope. And then slowly, I began to awaken. I began to awaken to the truth. The truth that I was “depressed” because my beautiful self had been sacrificed for the sake of others. My beautiful truth had been buried. It is very clear to me now that a person who is living their life from their pain body (unconsciously) will NEVER see the real me. They want to see the me that will make *their* story true. They want to be able to blame others for their problems, blame  others for their circumstances, and blame others for disrupting their story. I feel so relieved now to really see this. It comes back to each of us being a mirror for others. People project their issues onto others when they don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to take responsibility for their own issues. I see now how much easier it is to be able to point the finger at someone else rather than have to make a change in my own life. So many people go through each day pointing the finger at all of “those people” who make their lives difficult. Anytime they are faced with some truth about their own life that makes them uncomfortable, they lash out at those “other people” who are doing it to them. It is easier to lash out than to look inside ourselves. I know this, I used to do this too. I realized that by blaming others for my emotions I was also handing them my power. When I was under the impression that others could “make me” feel a certain way, I was helpless. I gave them permission to control my feelings.

they need to see me in their own way, it truly has nothing to do with me

I’m writing this to say a few things. What others think of me is none of my business. It is theirs. I will not surrender to things that aren’t true. I know who I am and I stand in my truth no matter what words and stories are tossed around. I know my soul. I know I am a compassionate, loving, very caring, passionate and sensitive person. *This* is who I am. This is what I choose to surrender to, the truth. I will not surrender to someone else’s story. It doesn’t help them, and it harms me. I can’t control someone else’s journey. I would love to help them, but it is not always possible, especially when they have bought into their story completely. With all of this being said, I am still working on not allowing someone else’s story or their words to insult who I know myself to truly be. I understand where they are coming from, and I do have compassion, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain around it. It is still painful for me when someone who once claimed they loved me to see me from their perspective, (which is that I am acting maliciously and disrespectfully). It is painful when their words are so far from the truth. I continue to remind myself that others need to see me in their own way for their own personal journey, it truly has nothing to do with me. People will find ways of feeding their own story until they make the choice to awaken to their own truth, and own their emotions, circumstances, and behavior. In the past I may have come to the conclusion that, “if I speak my truth, I get abandoned, it is wrong, I am wrong, I need to fix it so they aren’t angry with me, what can I do to make them comfortable, I should not speak up.” Wow, what a heavy energy that is! No wonder I was depressed! The heavy energy has lifted for the most part, which is pure grace. I am very grateful. I see myself as I am, and I truly love what I see. I wish this for you and for everyone.

 

….when you start feeling the truth of who you are and also expressing this, you are loving yourself. When you love yourself, you begin loving the world around you. When you love the world around you, you are open to the love that the Universe has been holding for you all along….

 

 

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Posted in Depression, Healing & personal growth, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 2 Comments »
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