you were conditioned to listen to everything *except* that voice inside yourself;self hate is not what you were born with

Written by Amie on July 26, 2012 – 1:35 pm -

we are taught to do many things, but being truthful about who we really are is not one of them

I am feeling the need to assure you that you are a very important part of the universe. You are connected to it. You are connected to every single soul, even during the times you are feeling completely alone and isolated. When I say important, what I mean is that the universe needs you to come alive. Otherwise ,we are missing a part of the whole.  I don’t mean just breathing, eating, talking, thinking. I mean awake to what is truly happening in your life. I mean being willing to look within to find your true self. Looking within to face yourself is not easy. It is hard work. Why is this? Because you have been conditioned away from doing this. You are taught to do many things, but being truthful about who you really are is not one of them. When you show who you are and others tell you (verbally or non verbally) it is inappropriate or not who they think you should be or who they *need* you to be, and you absorb that message over and over …..that’s when self hate comes in. This self hate becomes who you think you really are because it feels familiar.  You  learned this at a very young age most likely. Therefore, you believe it to be true, or “right”. When you expressed your needs as a child and then received a reaction of non-acceptance, you learned to try to be something else. You learned to act the part you needed to act in order to get along with those around you. This is the beginning of self hate, which is the beginning of shutting off your inner voice.

living in a bubble of self-hate 

I want to encourage you to listen to that inner voice, and to follow it. It is time. If you have been living in a bubble of self-hate and you have been labelled or have labelled yourself “depressed”, then you are not living in your truth. You are walking through life listening to external sources who are trying hard to keep everyone and everything the same. The definition of self hate is believing in the lies you have been conditioned with. It means being someone you’re not. It means following someone else’s dream of who you should be. It means doing things you absolutely hate because somehow you learned it is the “right” thing to do! It means saying NO to your inner voice. It means avoiding feeling your true feelings and emotions. It means avoiding your needs. It means continuing the shaming behavior  you were dealt when you voiced your truth or your needs. Having needs is normal and natural!!! You were shamed for having needs because the adults in your life were not capable or willing to meet you in your place of truth. You feel shame now because you are still believing in the lies that you were dealt. Being who you are is your birthright!!! Waking up in your life means being true to your soul’s purpose. Waking up and feeling the courage to go against what others want from you if what they want  doesn’t feel right in your soul. Waking up means listening to those inner voices of shame and telling them to go to hell!!! Those voices of shame and hate are NOT who you are, I promise you that. Those voices are the dysfunctions of families and societies and churches and cultures that keep getting handed down to children until we take responsibility to heal them and to stand up and change the bullshit beliefs we inherited!  

try not to label yourself 

There is no destination you need to get to. You are you, right in this moment. You can begin right now questioning who you are. Start by asking yourself the question, “who am I”? But I don’t want you to beat yourself up thinking you have to have the right answer because there isn’t a right answer. You are love, you are perfect exactly as you are. When you ponder this question, try not to label yourself with things such as, “I am a Mom/Dad”, or “I am a wife/husband”, or “I am a supervisor”. These aren’t who you are, they are just labels that make it easier to explain something to others. Who or what are you really? Be gentle on yourself with this. It is simply something to ponder, something that may help you open your heart just a bit in order to start seeing your truth. Self-hate feels very real. I was in it for years. I didn’t know to question it. I didn’t know that I was conditioned away from being who I was born to be. I didn’t understand that I was not being my authentic self and that this was why I hated myself. I beat myself up about everything. If I felt something other than what I had been conditioned to believe, I beat myself up. I thought I was bad for going against what I was taught to believe. In reality I now see that going against what I knew actually meant listening to who I really am. So, it is uncomfortable for awhile, I can assure you. When we change things up, our minds want to question it and make us doubt that what we are doing is “right”. Keep following your inner voice, even through the uncomfortable feelings. You will get to the place where your truth resides. It is in there, I promise you. Wading through the muck that isn’t your truth will get you to the clear waters of who you really are. Listen to that gut feeling you have about something you really want to do or something you really want to stop doing.

 Rebirth yourself in love

I need to say this again….you are connected to everyone and everything in the universe, and you are connected to the universe. You are a part of the whole. This means that you have the wisdom of the universe right inside you, right now! When you hear that small voice inside you that tells you what would be nice, this is your guidance from the universe. How can you tell the difference between the voice of self hate and the voice of the universe? Very simple. The universe gives you messages that feel loving, self hate gives you messages that are mean, scary, and hateful. Learning to listen to your inner guidance is the job at hand. Many of us have been conditioned to listen to others; listen to authority, listen to the “experts”, listen to what everyone is doing. You were conditioned to listen to everyone *except* that voice inside that is always connected to the universe, or your higher power, or whatever you choose to call it. We have been conditioned to feel bad when we listen to that voice. We have been conditioned to beat ourselves up when we go against what we are taught. This is where depression comes in. You are not in touch with your inner guide, therefore you are not open to the universe and the love that is waiting for you. You are here to experience love, and joy, and connection with others. There will be sadness, grief, hardship etc. When you are depressed, you are shut off to everything. When you are depressed, it means you are listening to the dysfunction, you are listening to the self hate which is the accumulation of untrue messages you were conditioned with. To begin to change this, you must question every single thought you have. If it is not kind and loving, it is not your inner guidance. So, talk back to it! Tell it thanks, but no thanks. And keep listening and questioning. Your birthright is love. Self hate is not what you were born with. Throw it out thought by thought and belief by belief. Rebirth yourself in love.

Gangaji  “your core message”

 

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Depression as a gift and learning to stay in the moment

Written by Amie on January 12, 2012 – 7:57 pm -

depression was the best thing that happened to me 

I now know *for sure* that depression can be the greatest gift you will ever receive, if you make the choice to come back to your truth and express who you really are. In my opinion, and I think I have said this before, the majority of people walking around today are numb and are depressed. The people who are courageous and who are sick of feeling numb, are the ones who will recover and then go on to help others wake up. I know the consciousness of our planet is growing by leaps and bounds right now. Depression is the soul’s way of waking us up to the truth of who we really are. The truth is every single one of us is pure love. I know this without one doubt in my mind. We are all connected and we are all part of the whole. We all have pure love within us and we all have the capability to be full of joy. I really don’t even like the word depressed because it has such a negative connotation. I can honestly say depression was the best thing that happened to me because it forced me to find my true self. The true self I love unconditionally.

I didn’t know that being present in my life was another option

I want to write about my experience with learning how to stay in the moment. In the past, I didn’t understand what this meant. Even after I read the book, “The Power of Now”, I still don’t think I understood what it meant. I had been in my thinking mind for so long I didn’t know that being present in my life was another option. Once I began waking up and feeling more alive, I began to *really* understand what being present to my life really means. I am sort of “thinking out loud” here because at this point, I am not sure if I will be able to explain the feeling I have about this topic. I will begin by talking about why this topic feels alive in me right now.

everything that happens in my life is because it is what is supposed to be happening

For the past year or so, a certain *knowing* has become a part of who I am. That isn’t very clear, is it?! I will try to describe this feeling. It is a deep knowing I have that helps me trust that all is well. Everything is as it is, and will all work out for my greater good. I am not saying I won’t have disappointment and sadness etc. Everything that happens in my life is because it is what is supposed to be happening. I’m saying, for the most part, I no longer add my “stories” or commentary to situations and experiences. I follow what is happening without trying to analyze it or judge it to be right or wrong. The reason this feels alive in me today, however, is because my old conditioning came back to me in the past few days and I was reminded how it feels to become disconnected from this source of knowing. When I start analyzing a situation, trying to guess the outcome, or trying to figure out the reason behind something, I lose the connection from myself and this *knowing*. The mind (or the ego, or the pain-body) has an agenda to keep me in my conditioned pattern of staying out of the present moment. Just remember, this is something that takes practice if you have been living in the past or the future (in your mind) for a long period of time.

trying to distract myself from my truth or my feelings

When I go into the past or the future in my mind (or some people try to keep themselves so busy so as not to have time to feel), I am not living from my truth. I am living in a made up story with the intent to distract myself from my feelings. When I am distracted from my feelings, depression can very easily creep in and carry me back down. I haven’t been in a deep depression for quite awhile now, but I can feel the feeling in  my body of what I know to be the beginning of falling down into a deep dark hole. I am so grateful to be aware of this pattern. The minute I become aware of what I am doing (trying to distract myself from my truth or my feelings), I remind myself of what is happening, and I am able to come back to what is true.

how to bring yourself back to the moment

I must emphasize to you to please be gentle with yourself while learning this new skill. There are times when, in order to protect ourselves for one reason or another, we must distract ourselves. It is okay to do this if you need to. The important part is that you are aware of doing it. The more you allow yourself to stay in your truth and to be in the moment, you will need to distract yourself less and less. Also, when I talk about staying in the moment, this does not always mean trying to figure out *why* you were avoiding feeling or why you were distracting yourself. Let go of needing to know *why*, and just let yourself feel what is there in your body. The most important tool you have and that nobody can take away from you, is your breath. Breathing and paying attention to your breath will always bring you back to the moment. Practice this right now. Stop reading and just close your eyes and feel the air coming through your nostrils. Feel it flow back out. Now pay attention to your body sensations. Is your stomach tight? Were you holding your breath? Go back to “watching” the air move in and out of your nose. Focus on this. Release the tightness in your body…watch it flow out. Again, no need to figure anything out. Just be an observer. If you find yourself drifting off in your mind…be nice to yourself and say…I will start over. Then focus on the air moving in and out of your nose. If you want to add something to it, you can say to yourself…I am breathing in love (or peace, or whatever you want)….I am breathing out fear (or negativity, or whatever feels true for you).

for example, try this: “I am sitting on a chair”, or “my feet are feeling cold”

Another way to come back to the present moment is this: If you catch yourself doing the analyzing thing…just acknowledge it first…by saying…oops, I am distracting myself right now. Then, tell yourself what is real right now in the moment…for example…if your mind is saying something like, “oh my gosh, why in the world did that happen to me today, this is just crazy, unfair etc.” (and if your pain-body is as mean as mine used to be, it will go further into this: “I must have done something wrong…what is wrong with me…why would I do something so stupid?”) Sound familiar? That was all too common in my mind when I was in a deep depression. The way to start getting out of this conditioning is to state what is *really* true in the moment. Look around you and point out something that is indisputably true. For example, try this: “I am sitting on a chair, or, “my feet are feeling cold”, or, “I feel my toes moving in my socks.” (What is not true in the moment ,or ever for that matter, are the stories you have made up about why you are feeling bad. Test this theory by asking yourself to prove your story. Can you prove it without a doubt?) All of these things (the chair, your feet,etc) are happening in the present moment. This helps bring you back to right now, and then you can focus on your breath. Until a person becomes aware of their thoughts, it is nearly impossible to heal depression. Depression is alive in you because you are not living in your truth. Depression is the pain of your repressed emotions fighting against the truth of who you really are. Your repressed emotions cause an imbalance in your body. Depression happens because you are repressing the true essence of who you are. Shame and guilt keep your true essence from coming out because you were conditioned to hide your true self.

“When we understand that the ability to live with any situation is not in what happens, but in our relationship to ourselves and our own minds, we are free. Absolutely, breathtakingly free.” ~ Geneen Roth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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