Learning self acceptance and self love

Written by Amie on July 3, 2013 – 10:12 pm -

the messages that we should not love ourselves “too much”

Learning to love yourself is the single most important lesson. I do not believe a person can fully love someone else or be happy in life if they don’t love themselves. Think about most of the conditioning we receive. It is usually about how we should “be nice”, how we should always think of the other person first, we shouldn’t be too cocky, we shouldn’t come across as being a “know it all”, blah blah blah.  And, I won’t get into how many religions point to the attitude that we should always consider other people before ourselves, we should not speak up too much as it might hurt someone’s feelings, we should listen to the “authority” figure because they were the chosen ones and they know more than you do (they are special and you aren’t), I could go on and on, but you get the idea. We are conditioned from a very young age with the messages that we should not love ourselves “too much”, or others will think we have a “big ego”. Think about how many times you were shining in your own beautiful way and you were shut down, either verbally or non verbally. Think about how many times you were conditioned to feel ashamed if you started getting “too (fill in your word) for your own good”. Think how many times you felt as though you shouldn’t “shout too loud” about something you were proud of because it might make someone else “feel bad”. Again, I could go on and on.


the light we were BORN TO BRING TO THIS WORLD

I am saying all of this to help you see how you may have been conditioned to believe that you aren’t worthy of being happy and loved. So many negative messages are thrown at kids from a very young age (not always, but it was the norm for a very long time and still is for many children). We are more easily accepted in our society if we go along with the status-quo, not rocking the boat too much by shining our own beautiful light. The light we were BORN TO BRING TO THIS WORLD!!!! We are actually conditioned away from realizing our true selves! So to love yourself can feel “wrong” or “bad” to many people. There was a point in my healing process that I actually felt guilty on the days I felt happy! Imagine this! I felt guilty! There was a very strong message in my head that told me, “but so and so isn’t happy, so you shouldn’t be. It isn’t fair that she isn’t.” So, when I spoke to someone who wasn’t feeling good, I tapered my mood so that I didn’t appear too happy. I didn’t want them to feel bad because of me! Oh dear. So, learning to love yourself is the process. When you begin to feel love for yourself, your depression will begin to lift because you will automatically begin doing things for yourself that feel good. You will begin setting boundaries so that people can’t be in a position to hurt you, because you will care too much about yourself to allow that to happen. You begin filling your soul with words, music, people, and situations that feed you. You begin saying no to things that don’t feel good to you. You learn to notice the things that make your body feel dread and guilt and shame, and you begin telling yourself that these things do not feed you, they hurt you. Trust the process.

Be curious, ask yourself where the message originated

Self love starts to blossom each time you honor your inner voice, your soul. It takes practice to re-train your brain. Every little thing you can do that feeds you helps your self love get stronger. Learning to say “I accept myself exactly as I am” is very helpful. Accepting exactly where you are in your process is so important. Giving yourself a break and loving yourself as you would a tiny baby when you feel you made a mistake. Telling yourself, “It’s okay, I am learning to love myself. I was taught that I shouldn’t love myself, and I am changing that.” Every time you catch yourself belittling yourself and accusing yourself of doing something others don’t like, remind yourself, “I am honoring my soul. I will follow my inner voice even if others don’t like it.” The more often you can do this, the more empowered you will feel. You will most likely hear a voice or get a feeling in your body when you feel good (even if it is a split second of feeling good) that tells you something like, ‘oh here you go, thinking you know it all or getting too confident. What do you think you are doing, this isn’t right, it won’t work.” Tell that voice to please go somewhere else, you are no longer interested in negative messages. It works if you keep practicing. The more you do this, the more you will notice patterns in your life that don’t feel good. This is a great time to process those messages. Be curious, ask yourself where the message originated and if it is time to let it go. It is time to give yourself a break and to feel the love that is just waiting there, ready for you to absorb every bit of it.


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Posted in Awareness, Connection, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Self hate | No Comments »

Underneath the anger

Written by Amie on September 20, 2012 – 1:26 pm -

“By clinging to the mind in the form of memory and thought, we are held captive by the movement of our conditioned thinking and imagination, all the while believing that we are perfectly rational and sane.” ~Adyashanti


no longer trapped

I really am just an onion…so many layers of me I must peel away to get to the true me. The layers peel away faster and faster these days. Clarity comes much quicker and easier than it did a few years ago. Or even a year ago. I am grateful I am just an onion now, and not stuck inside the bullet proof box I was trapped in before. I was locked in my box of protection, so trapped in the deep dark place that I called depression. The sad thing is that I didn’t even know I was stuck there, I thought how I felt was normal. Well, I suppose you could say it was normal at the time. There is no right normal or wrong normal. I still believe we are always exactly where we need to be in every  moment of our lives. For reasons yet to be revealed to me at the time, I needed the protection of that box. Once I started peeling away layers, I can see and appreciate why I needed to protect myself emotionally.

furious beyond words

That idea leads me into how I am feeling right now. I will start with a few days ago. I was furious beyond words. Anger is powerful. It can lead us to do something destructive to ourselves or others, or it can lead to awareness, acceptance, and clarity. I wasn’t sure which route I was going to go at first. I wanted to scream at the person who was unkind to me. I wanted to part ways with her for the rest of my life. I wanted her to “know” that her behavior was wrong and unacceptable! I wanted her to know that she should never mess with me. That was my ego talking, and it was also the little girl inside me who has been hurt repeatedly by this person. It would have been easy to fall into the victim role of “oh poor me, why does she continue to act this way?” That is the route I probably would have taken many years ago. Instead, I let the anger provide fuel for me to empower myself. Anger is an emotion (really it is energy), but it is rarely the actual emotion we are feeling. It is an emotion that is easier to have than the true feelings underneath. My anger led me to the realization that nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent, a quote by the very brilliant woman Eleanor Roosevelt. My anger spurred me to take my power back.


healing begins with becoming aware

After allowing my anger to just be there for a few days, clarity began to move in. I was thinking about a friend of mine who is so confident in her own skin and is not afraid to let her truth shine out there in the world. Many people might look at this as being arrogant or self-absorbed or whatever other negative traits we have been trained to think. However, this is not the case at all with her. She feels safe to shine her light in the world, and will not apologize for doing so. There is nothing to apologize for, why should she? I wish everybody felt this confident about themselves (we all have the capacity to do so). Then the world could be blessed with  every single beautiful part of every person!  Sadly, until we do our own internal work, most people feel guilty or shameful about feeling confident about themselves. So many people are still believing those damn voices that are telling them, “you shouldn’t say that, people will think you are a know-it-all, or people will think you are stuck up, or people will think you are….blah blah blah…” and the list goes on. We have been conditioned to believe we should care about what others think of us rather than living out the truth of who we really are. We learn that it isn’t emotionally safe to be ourselves in the world. Our true beautiful selves were smashed down too often for us to trust that it is safe to be who we really are. Our job is to become aware of the messages we were conditioned with and then question them. Healing begins with becoming aware of the voices in your head and what they are saying to you.

they confirm your feelings of self hate

Okay, back to the thought of experiencing guilt or shame when feeling confident. I realized after thinking about my confident friend that a huge part of my anger towards the person mentioned above is due to her being uncomfortable with my joy and happiness. When I appear confident to her, she starts judging me and expressing her disapproval of what I choose to do in my life. The main thing is that she is making up her own stories about my life. She actually believes she knows me and knows how I live my life. This I find amusing. How can a person know who I really am when I rarely see them, AND when I rarely show my true self to them? I protect myself from people that judge me. Until you have done a lot of healing work, it is best to avoid being around unkind and judgmental people because it is easy to stay depressed around them. They confirm your feelings of self hate. By limiting my time with them, I am accepting them as they are. I accept that this person is judgmental, and will most likely continue to act in the same manner. I accept it for what it is, but I also choose to avoid being around her.  I have no place in my life for people who claim they love me but then judge me and talk badly about me to other people in my life. This is how I take my power back. I choose to either eliminate them from my life or severely limit my time with those who continue to betray me and to be judgmental of me.

someone is judging you

I will have compassion for them from a distance. I understand what it is like to have so much self hate that it is easiest to look at everyone around me to judge them instead of doing my own inner reflection and healing work.  I am so far removed from self hate now, there is no way I will choose to be around people who are unkind to me. I wish them well, and I do hope they find the courage to heal those parts of themselves that need love and compassion, but I can’t do it for them, and I won’t be a part of their negativity. When someone is judging you, it is ALWAYS because of the feelings that were triggered inside them. It is never about you! They may try to blame you or try to tell you you should change, etc. but if they could become aware of their true feelings, they would begin to see the truth. The truth is that something about you or your life triggered an emotional wound in them. THIS is the work each of us can do. Asking the questions. Why does this person “make” me feel angry, why does that person “make” me feel self conscious, why does this person “make” me feel like I don’t matter……..question everything. It is the beginning of awareness and the path to healing.





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Posted in Depression, Healing & personal growth, healing from depression, Help with depression, Self hate, Self-love | No Comments »