All of our true power is in this moment right NOW

Written by Amie on June 21, 2010 – 12:15 am -

Not good enough? My discoveries at an unschooling gathering

My family and I just returned from an unschooling gathering with 44 other unschooling families. It is hard to describe what it feels like to be surrounded by so many non-judgmental, supportive, like-minded, accepting ¬†people. Even though it was an incredible experience, I still struggled with the voices in my head telling me that I wasn’t doing things as well as the other families around me. That voice in my head was yelling pretty loud most of the time we were there. The voice of the judge in my head was being very loud telling me that I wasn’t good enough, I was failing at this unschooling thing, I didn’t fit it etc etc. At first I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so out of sorts. I remember last year going to this gathering, and I felt so emotional the whole time I was there. Once I remembered last years’ experience, I was able to get in touch with what was going on with me this year.

In tears

Each time I witnessed a child being treated in a respectful, kind, loving way, it brought tears to my eyes. Each time I saw a child expressing themselves while being accepted and loved for just being themselves, I was in tears. Each time someone just listened to me with a kind, loving, presence, I was in tears. I gave myself enough space to really be with these feelings. I was able to acknowledge my sadness for the little girl inside me that did not have this kind of acceptance when I needed it most. I have become an adult that is still afraid at times to show my true self. Depending on who I am with, I censor my truth so that I can’t be hurt by them. I have read so many books that talk about how we learn certain coping skills as children that work for us then, but don’t work so well for us as we become adults. We keep reacting in the same ways in which we would if we were still children.

A promise to myself

When I remembered this, I was able to move on to get in touch with the empowered woman inside me. Everyone has a powerful being  inside of them. Many of us lost track of this power when we were busy trying to protect ourselves from being hurt emotionally. In this moment of discovery, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would sit down with a pen and paper and write out exactly what my truth is. I am making the decision of what I want my life to look like, and I am going to try my hardest to follow that truth. I am working on letting go of those coping skills that no longer work for me. I am letting go of fear and I am hanging on to truth, love, and power. It is obvious to me that we all need to feel accepted for being exactly who we are. I have been doing this for my kids but not really for myself. I was still hiding behind those coping mechanisms that I needed as a child. I was still trying to protect myself from hurt.

I am strong enough to get through it!

This is not an easy thing to do. I can see now that I will still be hurt emotionally by some people. I know that I am strong enough to get through it. If I allow myself to just be with my feelings, I am able to get through it and be stronger on the other side. I also know that I will protect myself by being with others on my terms, not theirs. I am not a victim, but sometimes I was living as though I was. When I keep my truth hidden because I fear being hurt, I am a victim. When I push aside my fear and trust that in this moment, all is well, I am living my truth and there is no victim. When I live from my truth, there is no room for a victim. It feels empowering to know that I control my inner being. I decide what I want to believe and what I think.

TRUST that ALL is WELL

In this moment, I trust that all is well. Stay in this moment. Fear is in the future or in the past. Stay here now and feel what is true for you in this moment. If you discover that your truth calls for action, make a plan, but stay in the moment. Your power is in this moment.

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