Allowing myself to feel vulnerable

Written by Amie on June 13, 2011 – 1:43 am -

My first instinct was to gather my stuff and run out the door

I joined a women’s group a few months ago. I joined because I want to continue to grow and learn more about myself. I also joined because I wanted deeper connection with women who are on a similar path. We have had 5 meetings so far, so we are getting to know each other better, but we don’t know each really well yet. ¬†Yesterday I went to our meeting feeling very positive. We started out just catching up with each other. ¬†Then we listened to a short excerpt from a woman who specializes in attachment theory and bonding. We were about 5 minutes into the talk when I suddenly felt a deep sadness that I have never felt before in my life. I couldn’t stop crying, and I felt scared. The pain I felt in my body went very very deep. My first instinct was to gather my stuff and run out the door.

Feel the Feelings

 

This felt new and scary

Instead I went into another room and just cried. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do; stay and feel vulnerable, or run. A year or so ago, I might have completely shut down by hiding my true emotions. Yesterday I felt so raw with emotion, I couldn’t have shut them off even if I wanted to. I don’t know why I was feeling so raw with emotion. I did have a craniosacral session the night before, but it doesn’t really matter why. The bottom line is, I stayed with my emotions, and I stayed to be with the supportive, accepting women in the group. This felt new and scary. I felt so vulnerable. I have some close people in my life that I can be vulnerable with, but it is still not easy for me. I have to feel completely safe with the people I show myself to. If there is any question as to whether or not I trust them, I shut myself off from connecting any deeper.

The old recordings going through my head

After the talk was over the group was meeting back in a circle to talk about our experience. I could not stop crying. I didn’t want to stop crying, but yet I felt scared to be crying my eyes out in front of everyone. Being vulnerable can be so scary, and we have been conditioned to believe that showing emotion and being vulnerable makes us weak. Many of us have been taught that it is something you do if there is something wrong with you. Even though I felt scared and I wasn’t sure how this whole thing was going to play out, I was able to watch my thoughts. I told myself that I should pull myself together or I would ruin the day for everyone else, I told myself that I was just trying to get attention, I told myself that the other women would think I am crazy, and I asked myself what in the hell is wrong with you. The difference in yesterday vs. a year or two ago is that I didn’t follow those thoughts this time, I just noticed them. I said to myself, wow, look at what I am telling myself, these are some really old recordings showing up in my head. It made me feel so good that I didn’t believe these darn untrue thoughts and beliefs, I was just an observer. This is one of the most important tools we need in order to heal depression. We become an observer of the mind rather than a full believer in the stories and thoughts.

We are supposed to be there for each other

I found out what happens when I decide to stay with my strong emotions rather than try to make them go away or run from them. I felt what it is like to be surrounded by loving people who saw me, accepted me, nurtured me, and listened to me. The best part is that they still want to be my friend, they still want me to be around, and they never once gave any indication that I should stop being who I am! What an incredible gift they gave me, and I gave them. By showing our vulnerability, we make it safer for others to show theirs. We are human, we have emotions, and we are supposed to be there for each other just being a conscious witness. We have been conditioned to believe that if we allow someone to show their emotions and be vulnerable with us, it means we have to do something for them; we have to “fix them”. This is not true at all. People just want to be seen and heard, they want to be validated and told that they matter. Being vulnerable opens up a new line of connection between people. Hiding your vulnerability shuts off your aliveness.

Take a risk and put your foot in the water

I think yesterday’s group was a growth spurt! I felt like a new person after I left. I was very tired, but I felt really good inside. I was still feeling fragile and vulnerable, but it felt good. I now know it is safe to be vulnerable with people I trust. Before yesterday, I had one toe dipped in the water so to speak. This time I took a risk and stuck my whole foot in the water. It is important to risk being vulnerable emotionally with people you trust. It is the only way to grow; to show your true self. The way through depression is to gather as many tools as possible that will assist you becoming alive again. Learning to be vulnerable is a huge step, but it is so very important. I have to reiterate that the people you decide to show your true self to must be trustworthy and you must feel safe with them. Taking a risk can be hard, especially if you have been shut down for a very long time. Take baby steps. Open your heart just a pinch and tell someone something you normally wouldn’t share. Even saying “I love you” to someone you think already knows it. If you don’t normally let yourself say that to the person, try it this one time. But only if you feel safe and you trust the person enough.

You are loved…….you are perfect just as you are….there is nobody else in the world who is just like you……what you have to say and what you feel is important to the world…….be gentle with yourself……xoxoxoxoxo to you all.

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Awareness, Depression, healing from depression | No Comments »

Giving a voice to depression

Written by Amie on June 1, 2011 – 1:33 pm -

A pill to make it go away

For years there was a nagging voice in my head that was saying “some day” you will be ready to speak up. I wasn’t ready until now. For the past few months I have been feeling better than I have ever felt in my life. It is so clear to me that healing from depression is a process. A process that unfolds exactly how it needs to unfold. You can’t rush it, you can’t take a pill to make it magically go away, you can’t push it away, you can’t wish it away. Our bodies are nothing short of a miracle. There is protection in place that will not allow us to push ourselves emotionally farther than we are ready to go. I am convinced of this. There is an unfolding in each of us. This is our journey. Depression leads to self love if we listen to it, give it a voice, and allow it to unfold as it needs to.

Life force

I have done so many things in order to grow through depression and to give my depression a voice. The things that have helped me the most are homeopathy, mind/body therapy, body movement, craniosacral therapy, and working on my throat chakra. So many other things have helped along the way, but right now, I would say these have been the most helpful. I have said it before, but homeopathy has really changed my life. I believe we are all energy, and homeopathy is an energy medicine. It stimulates our life force and assists the body in healing itself.

Shutting off your voice

Every time I shut down my voice, I prolong my depression and I shut off a part of my soul. Every single time. Depression will hang out with you until you are ready to give a voice to what is really true for you. You will do it when you are ready. But it is important to listen and to allow the voice to speak when your body is telling it to speak. It is a habit to shut yourself down. Somewhere along our journey we were taught that shutting off our own voice was what we needed to do in order to survive. It becomes a habit of protection. This is a great thing when we are young. It can keep us stuck when we are adults. Every single person has a right to speak what they feel and believe. Everyone, without question. We all have a right to be happy and to give and receive love. Everyone, without question. By not speaking up and giving a voice to our depression, we remain victims.

Throat chakra

For the past few months I have been focusing on my throat chakra. You might want to read about the chakras in our bodies. I won’t go into detail here. The throat chakra is located in the center of the throat and is linked to the ability to communicate. When we stop voicing out truth, the throat chakra gets blocked. When this happens, we have a difficult time speaking up for ourselves. So, the good news is that it can re-open! I have been going to craniosacral therapy which has helped so much. I also have two necklaces with stones that have the energy to help open the throat chakra. I practice saying what is true for me, out loud. This can be scary at first. It is great if you can say things to a person, but if you aren’t ready for that yet it is still helpful to say them out loud to yourself.

Depression is there for a reason

Depression can most definitely get better! I promise you that if you are willing to look around inside of yourself and allow your true feelings to come up, you can heal your depression. Depression is there for a reason….be grateful for it. I know, trust me, I know. That is not easy to do when you feel so badly that crawling under a rock to die peacefully sounds much better. I’ve been there many many times. But I am here to give you hope. It can and will get better if you are willing to accept who you really are and what is really true for you. It is a process. Let your feelings come and go. Let go of what you think things should look like. Be there for yourself. Be gentle with yourself. I promise you, you deserve joy and love and happiness. You can have that. Be willing to look inside yourself and be willing to voice what is really there. Become aware of what your mind is telling you….and be willing to question those things. Most of them have no truth. Awareness is the beginning of healing. Give a voice to depression. It is just hanging out waiting until you are ready. It will wait forever if need be. So, the sooner it gets a voice, the sooner it moves through.

Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Awareness, Depression, Homeopathy | No Comments »
RSS