Suppressing inner beauty and truth

Written by Amie on December 27, 2011 – 2:23 am -

holding in those sensitive, heartfelt feelings I feel

I had another a-ha moment the other day. I have had the same one before, but this felt like it reached a much deeper level of a-ha. (haha) I was getting ready to send a note back to someone who sent me an e-mail. I wanted my note to reflect the sincere heartfelt feelings I felt at that moment. Instead, I found myself questioning whether or not to send my note back exactly as I wanted it. For about 30 seconds my mind told me not to send my note as I had written because the other person might think I am being insincere (because it might sound “too nice”), or they may think I am weird for saying the words I wanted to say, or they may think I am wanting something in return from them. Wow, where did all of this come from, I asked myself. I went ahead and sent the note exactly as it came to me. Then, I pondered the messages I heard in my mind. It took about a minute to realize they were a part of my conditioning. I learned to protect my inner truth by holding in those sensitive, heartfelt feelings I feel when someone or something brings joy to my life. I had learned to cover up my heartfelt emotions when I witness something beautiful, witness someone expressing kindness to another person, hear a beautiful story, see a beautiful piece of art, hear a beautiful piece of music, or feel a deep connection with another person.

how deeply I feel things

I felt very sad about this realization. This a-ha moment felt like it hit a deeper level than when I discovered it a few years ago. A few years ago I came into the truth of seeing how deeply I feel things. Up until that point I believed the conditioned message that I was “too sensitive”, and that there was something weird about me for caring deeply for others (all living beings). I learned to shut down my inner truth so I would appear to be “like everyone else!” Sad. The other day I got to the deeper understanding of why I really needed to shut this side of me down. I was able to step back to see this as another way of protecting myself. I learned that when I show my true self-the one who is sensitive and compassionate and awake to others, most people could not meet me at that place in my heart. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, and sometimes seeing someone else’s truth can make a person feel too vulnerable. I understand this reaction. So, why would I want to continue giving away my sacred inner truth to people who aren’t capable of really “seeing” me? In order to protect this part of me, I had to learn to shut it off.

I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me 

I feel so much gratitude for the awareness I have at this point in my life. I feel so grateful for the change in my thinking that allows me to “see” those comments I was telling myself about worrying what someone will think of me. The truth is, I don’t care what anyone else thinks of me anymore. It is not my problem if someone thinks I am being “too nice”, or “too sensitive”. Those reactions are not really about *me*, they are the other person’s issue to deal with. Everyone is on a different place in their journey, and some people are not able to meet others in a place of open-heartedness (is that even a word?! It is now!). It can feel very scary for some people. I understand that, and I respect that. However, it will not stop me from being who I am and who I need to be. If I feel like telling someone I love them or that I appreciate them, I will do that. It is up to them how they respond to me. And, it is up to me how *I* respond to their response. Hope that makes sense!

Gaining self-love by showing inner beauty to those I trust

Over the past couple of years, I have started really trusting certain people with my inner beauty. I have learned to show my inner self to the outer world. I am careful who I show myself to however. When I meet people, I do so with an open heart and with love, but if I don’t feel safe around them, I will not show them the fullness of my heart. So, although I am very open to people, I also conserve my energy for only those I trust and feel safe being vulnerable with. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I also go by the very true quote by Maya Angleou that says, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” So, it is possible to live with an open heart, but to protect yourself at the same time. I will not be open with someone who doesn’t care to see me as I am. It is that simple. I will give with all of my heart to those who are willing to be vulnerable and are willing to honor my inner beauty and truth. If there are people in your life who are not able to see you and accept you exactly as you are, it may be time to question whether or not they are deserving enough to be in your life.

 

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