Dysfunction runs deep

Written by Amie on May 20, 2013 – 3:00 am -

 I am not responsible for others’  feelings or their emotional pain

It is a really good feeling knowing I don’t have to respond to people who act in dysfunctional ways toward me. Setting boundaries feels very empowering. It was not easy doing this with people I have been interacting with for a good portion of my life. I can have compassion for them *and* I can ignore their pleas to engage in unhealthy behavior. I don’t have to respond even when they are accusing me of untrue things such as being full of anger and hate. In the past,  I may have felt the need to defend these lies, but today I know the truth, and that is all that matters to me. I have never felt more at peace than I do right now, which makes it a bit easier to ignore their words.  I don’t have to respond even when they are saying hateful and cruel things about me. It took me years of healing work to get to where I am today. It feels really good to be in this healthy place! I know how much I have grown, because I am able to hear words today that would have been so incredibly hurtful a few years back,without believing them and turning them against myself. I have learned that cruel, hateful words are not about me, they are about the person saying them. Today I am able to see that the person or people hurling these cruel words at me are in deep denial and deep emotional pain. And I am relieved to know for sure, that I am not responsible for their feelings or their pain. They are trying to say I am responsible. That’s okay if they want to say that. I know my truth and that’s all that matters. It feels so good to see through the “nonsense”. I see clearly how people “project” their own emotional pain onto those around them.

 emotional projection

I have been learning a lot about emotional projection. It took me awhile to really understand what it is. The Universe must have thought I needed an example to help me understand it better! Someone who claims to love me accused me of being filled with hate and anger. In so many words, they are saying that since I am not going along with the protocol so to speak (which means I am changing a pattern that was deeply set for years) and I am speaking my truth, it must be because I am filled with anger and hate. I find this fascinating. This person is completely convinced that I am acting dysfunctional, when in reality I am standing up for myself and I am saying “NO” to unhealthy behavior. This person is calling me disrespectful because I refuse to continue unhealthy behavior. I am saying, “no, I will no longer participate in the pretend everything is ‘normal’ game”. In reality, this person is angry and resentful at someone else but is  saying *I* am the angry and resentful one. Instead of dealing with his/her true feelings and the circumstances they are living with, they have chosen to blame me, saying it is *me* who is causing the problems. It fascinates me what the mind is capable of making us believe.

others may dig their heals in to hold on tight to what they know

Dysfunction runs deep. If one person in a close-knit group begins changing the group dynamic by growing emotionally and getting healthy, the whole group starts shifting. Some of the group members may also begin growing and healing, while others may dig their heels in to hold on tight to what they know. Even those members who know the group is unhealthy may still choose to stay with the way things “have always been”. Even tragedy may not change the way they do things. Keeping things the same may still win out even if one of the members snaps, goes into a  rage, and threatens another person in the group. The other members have learned to protect the “group leader” so to speak. It is the way it has always been done, so some people have a very difficult time changing what feels familiar. Some  may even blame the group members who are getting healthy rather than calling out the unhealthy behavior of another member.  I know from personal experience how hard it is to change and heal from dysfunctional behavior. I also know I couldn’t live in the dysfunction anymore, so for me, there was no choice but to face the truth. I couldn’t pretend that the way things were, felt good or healthy to me. They didn’t! In fact, they felt completely insane! In order to heal, I knew I had to break away at least for awhile until I was capable of being around the dysfunction while also being able to maintain my own well being.

 give yourself permission to set boundaries

My well being is my priority. Others have to take care of their own well being. (I am talking about adults here). I realized a few years ago that I was sort of the peacekeeper of this group. I was the one who took on the emotions of others so they could remain comfortable. I suffered. In a big big way. My well being was not my priority back then and my health paid the price. I was so deep in depression, I can’t begin to describe it. And since I am on the other side of it now, I can see how dysfunctional patterns become so ingrained in some people, that they will not even consider that maybe there is another way of being in the world. I have compassion for people who are suffering and for those who may not see another way of being. I can have compassion, but I can’t heal their wounds for them. It is up to each individual to heal their own wounds. I will not take on the poison words from people who choose to live in an unhealthy way. I will not tolerate behavior that feels hateful and that comes from a place of emotional unconsciousness. I am in a healthy place and I plan to stay here. If any of this scenario rings true for you, I hope this will encourage you to give yourself permission to set boundaries in your life so that you can heal and grow to be healthy and happy. Setting boundaries is such an important step to take on the journey to self-love.

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Who am I? The truth

Written by Amie on March 22, 2012 – 2:32 am -

I will believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is

“I will believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is.” This is a song/chant I learned the other day. How does it make you feel when you read it? Was your first thought something along the lines of, “I can’t call myself beautiful, that sounds arrogant”…..  The first part of the chant sounds believable, right? Then you get to the second part, and the negative thoughts come? I love the way these words make me really question where my thoughts are in the moment, and how I am feeling about myself. Something happens when I say these words and I am forced to really think about what they mean to me. Depending on how I am feeling, the words elicit different feelings for me. The first time I heard this song, I was in a really great place emotionally, so I was able to take it in and feel the truth in my body. The words are true for each and every one of us, without question. Sometimes we just forget this truth. Did you know you were born beautiful on every level?

being depressed does not mean you are sick

The truth is, you are beautiful. You were born with a purpose. Your job is to discover that purpose. This is what I am working on right now. I believe I know my purpose. Now I am growing into the space of knowing how to utilize my purpose for the greater good. Once I came to the place of discovering who I am and discovering my purpose, other parts of my life became more clear. Before I finish that thought, I want to be clear on what I am saying here. I most definitely do not have “the answer”. I don’t believe anybody does. I also don’t believe we ever stop evolving and changing. So, just because I am no longer depressed, does not mean I have “the answer”.  Depression isn’t something we have to be “healed” from because being depressed does not mean you are sick, or that there is something terribly wrong with you. I need to keep saying that because the point I truly hope you take away from this is that there is nothing wrong with you if you are feeling depressed. Depression is a gift that will allow you to remember the truth of who you really are, IF you keep coming back to your truth and allowing that truth to speak.

 You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, and there is not “one answer”

Okay, now I can move on to the rest of my thoughts here. The part of my life that became more clear was the part that showed me that my job in this life is not to “fix myself”. I was not broken, and neither are you. I promise you. Your job is not to “fix” yourself, as you are not broken. Your job is not to find that one answer that will finally bring happiness to your life. Your job is not to finally figure out “what is wrong with you”, so that your depression will go away. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, and there is not “an answer”. But, don’t listen to me, listen to you. You *do* have all of the answers inside you right now. You really do. Because, guess what? You can believe the truth about yourself, no matter how beautiful it is. Because, the truth *is* so very beautiful!!! You are one part of the whole, and something is missing when you don’t show up as yourself. The good news is that “the whole” is very patient. It will keep nudging you until you remember the truth of who you really are. And, when you are ready, you will *feel* your beauty, and you will know, without a doubt, that yes, you are beautiful.

I *knew* something was wrong with me

When I was in a deep depression, I *knew* without a doubt that there was something flawed about me (or so I “thought”). I knew something was wrong with me  (or so I “thought”). I know now that these are both thoughts, not truths. These are thoughts about myself that I bought into without even knowing I was buying into them. They seeped into my being from outside sources and experiences. Now I know, *without a doubt* that even in my deepest darkest “depression”, there was nothing wrong with me, and I was most definitely not flawed. I know this for sure. The reason I was depressed was because my truth was hidden from me. All of the thoughts and conditioning I received were covering my truth. I was buying into (unknowingly) the lies about myself and I didn’t know to question these thoughts. The truth is that I am one part of the whole, I am perfect as I am, and I am beautiful.  And, I am not arrogant for saying that. The thoughts, beliefs, and conditioning I received have nothing to do with who I really am.  I find it so sad that we have been taught to tone ourselves down, or dim our light, so to speak. To show our true selves does not make us arrogant! Showing our true selves makes us who we really are…exactly what the world needs….for everyone to show their true beauty and strength.

Whenever I hide a part of who I am, I am short changing everyone, especially myself

I learned to stop searching for an answer that doesn’t exist. Instead, I learned to speak my truth as often as possible, and to process my feelings as they arise. Of course, this doesn’t mean saying every single thing that comes to mind! I just mean that I want speaking my truth to be the norm, even if those around me don’t particularly like it. My journey unfolds exactly as it is supposed to as long as I am willing to stay with the truth of each moment. This may not always be possible, so I don’t want to give the impression that I think I stay in the moment every single moment of my life. I’m sure I don’t, but I do know that I am now aware of when I stay in the moment and when I leave it (sometimes after the fact I realize I chose to leave the moment). I am a work in progress, and always will be. Whenever I hide a part of who I am, I am short changing everyone, especially myself.

the depression I experienced was a long term, chronic feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness

When I thought I was “healing my depression”, what I was really doing was remembering my true self. So, this is what I mean when I say there is nothing wrong with you if you are feeling depressed. The word depressed is just a word used to describe the feeling we feel when our soul is screaming out in pain. Our soul is screaming to us that we are not living an authentic life. We are hiding our truth, and we are believing the thoughts and conditioning we received verbally and non-verbally over the years. (Just to clarify, there are other circumstances for depression, usually termed “situational depression”, but I am talking about chronic depression that doesn’t seem to have a “cause”). I am talking about when you feel as though your life doesn’t matter, and it is almost too painful to want to continue hanging out here. Again, this can be a feeling one has, due to the death of a loved one, a painful break up etc. The depression I have experience with was a long term, chronic feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. Years of this. I just want to clarify. I know and feel the truth of who I am.  I know that there was not something inherently wrong with me. And I know there is not something inherently wrong with you. I think depression is your incredibly intelligent body and soul telling you that you are beautiful, and that it is time for you to remember this.

Stop looking everywhere else, and focus on what you feel 

 I am hoping this will encourage you to stop the search for the magic answer because it truly doesn’t exist. The magic answer I can give you is that your life in unfolding exactly as it should be. I can tell you that if you are willing to dig around inside yourself, and feel the truth(not the lies and dysfunction you have been conditioned with) , you are on your way to remembering the truth of who you are. I am saying you are not broken, so you don’t need to be fixed. If you allow yourself to FEEL all of your truth as it presents itself to you, you will begin seeing and remembering your beautiful self. Depression is a wake up call, and if you listen to it and you are gentle with yourself, you will be rewarded with looking in the mirror and seeing the most beautiful person you have ever seen! You will see the best version of yourself you have ever seen! I am not talking about physically. I am talking about the whole package; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Inner that matches the outer. Whole. You will be back to the perfection you were born with. This is what every single person deserves. Stop looking everywhere else, and focus on what you feel inside. I am not saying this work is easy, because the truth is not always easy. It will be painful at times. But it is so worth it.

“There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.”—Deepak Chopra

 

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