How do I win this battle? Or do I need to?

Written by Amie on February 7, 2011 – 12:02 am -

Resistance and letting go

I have been pondering exactly what it is that I am trying to “get to” or what goal I am trying to reach when dealing with depression. When I feel really out of sorts and down, I keep thinking there is some end result-like if I can just beat this depression I will be so happy! I am realizing this is just another way to resist what is really happening in this moment. It is a way to keep me from just being in my truth; feeling what is really going on right now. How do I feel in my body? What is that tight knot in my stomach? If I keep focusing on this happiness point, the conditioned me takes over and keeps me farther away from my real self. Resistance and not letting go are tough lessons to learn. I keep thinking that I should be able to just beat depression once and for all. If I just do xyz…..fill in the blank, then I will have it all figured out and I will be so happy all of the time.

Protection from feeling pain

Well, reality is here to show me that I am making things so much harder than they need to be. I am spending so much energy trying to change “what is”, that there is no way I can ever truly be in the moment. My truth lies in the moment. Feeling resides in the present moment. Suffering happens when I try hard to change what is true right now in this very moment. Being in the moment can be scary so my mind tries to keep me focused on that “goal” as a way to protect me from feeling too much pain. I guess resistance can be viewed as a defense mechanism. My mind’s way of protecting me from feeling emotional pain is to keep me busy by telling me all of the reasons why I need to fix my depression, why I need to change this or that, and why I am flawed because I have depression. The best way for my mind to keep me from experiencing my feelings is to tell me that I will never truly feel good. Why is it the best way? Because it has been repeating to me so many times, I have come to believe it! Bingo! My mind wins, and I lose. It keeps me focused on the past and future, which keeps me out of the truth-the present moment.

I want to be alive and present

I am grateful for my mind for trying to protect me like this. I am sure it was a wonderful thing when I was a child. I am sure that focusing on something else kept me from being hurt emotionally. However, I want to be alive and present in my life. I want to experience all of it. I don’t want to be checked out to avoid pain. Part of being human means experiencing some pain. The more I allow myself to experience real life as it happens, the happier I am. Being happy is not my goal, beating depression is not my goal. Staying true to who I am in each moment is what I want for myself. Because by doing this, I am authentic. Being authentic is what I want. Breathing and living in each moment is what I want to do. I have no goal. I just am. In this moment, I will be.

Surrender or suffer


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