Waking up is hard to do and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Written by Amie on March 31, 2015 – 2:23 am -

waking up to a new reality

It is not easy waking up to realize everything you have believed about your life is no longer true. Many people judge those who say that are awake or who are in the process of waking up, not really understanding what is meant by “being awake”. I know I was asleep to my truth until a few years ago. I started waking up to a new reality after my kids were born. I began working on my inner world. After my brother died 8 years ago, I woke up to an even deeper truth. One of the truths I soon realized is that we are each on a journey, and we are each waking up at different speeds. Some may not wake up in this lifetime. For one reason or another, this is not the time for their awakening. I understand this, but it still isn’t easy to live with sometimes.

Why are we not encouraged to research and question

When we wake up, we are forced to begin seeing things in a whole new way. I woke up to the fact that everything I learned (or was force-fed) about religion is not true. Nothing I was taught makes any sense to me. I always hated going to church but I didn’t know why. Now I know I hated going to church because my true self was saying this makes no sense! Shouldn’t this experience feel good? Why do I feel like a shameful guilty person each time I go? Why is this man standing in front of all of us “sinners” treated like he is better than those he preaches to? Why do we believe he has all of the answers? Why are we not encouraged to research and question and then decide what we feel best fits our truth? This is comical to me now! How easily we are led to believe nonsense. How easily we hand over our souls to someone deemed one of god’s chosen ones. How in the world can these people know the history of the world? Were they there from the beginning? Whose interpretation are we believing? Why are there so many versions? Why are many of the people who claim to live by the bible some of the most judgmental people I have ever met/seen in my life! Why are some of the messages I learned from being around “christian” people, “do as I say, not as I do. The rules I tell you to live by only apply to me if its convenient for me at that time. Just make sure you appear to be a “good” person, your actions don’t have to match what you say you believe.”

This is when I wonder about people

I could probably go on and on….but you get the idea. I am not here to bash religions. I am saying that for me, it doesn’t make sense to just believe someone else’s  ideas without researching and deciding what makes sense to me. I am quite tired of people using religion as a shield to cover up their anger and dysfunction, while trying to act kind and happy. I am quite tired of people using the excuse “we will pray for you”, rather than trying to take action, or actively work out a situation that feels too uncomfortable. If so-called religious people are non-judgmental and loving and accepting (you know, like they say jesus was), how in the world did a law just pass in Indiana that says businesses can now discriminate against gays, lesbians, and apparently anyone they describe as sinners and who these people believe will burn in hell for their sins? Those who are not worthy of their definition of, “god approved people”. This is when I wonder about people. How are you human? How is this okay? How can you justify this? It is difficult to not just give up on this crazy world.

I was shocked to see I hardly had any of my own thoughts and beliefs

This is another reason why waking up is not easy. I didn’t see these things as clearly as I do now. I could feel in my body that certain things did not feel good to me, but as usual, I assumed there was just something wrong with me. When you keep hearing ” you don’t believe THAT do you? over and over as a child, (and into adulthood!), it makes for serious confusion. Waking up means questioning everything about your life, not just religion. Once I started digging around through my thoughts and beliefs, I was shocked to see how brainwashed I was. I was shocked to see I hardly had any of my own thoughts and beliefs about my own life!  The ones I did have, I talked myself out of. I told myself I was a bad person for feeling that way. I couldn’t believe how my “go-to” was to think I was crazy and to think something was deeply wrong with me! It can sometimes be easier to numb out, or to self medicate in order to avoid feeling our truth. The reality can feel pretty harsh when a clear picture emerges. The difference between numbing out when you are awake versus numbing out when you are asleep is that when you numb out while awake, you are aware you are doing it. When you are asleep, you just numb out because that is just what you’ve always done.

If you are depressed, there is a very very good chance you are not feeling your truth

I am here to say, “question everything you have been taught to believe, especially if you feel it in your body that something just doesn’t feel quite right”. Question everything, even if it goes against what your family, friends,community, and world believe! Question everything, even if it means letting go of things in your life that make you feel terrible. It is okay to let go of things that don’t feel healthy to you. Waking up means seeing and acknowledging the way things really are, the way things feel to *you*. Don’t let anyone guilt you or shame you into being a certain way. If you are depressed, there is a very very good chance you are not feeling your truth. There is a very very good chance you are repressing your true self. There is a very very good chance you are angry with yourself or disappointed with yourself for not being able to just “be like others”. (This is a really good thing! But please be kind to yourself, and give your feelings a voice) Waking up is not easy. It sometimes feels very hard. It can at times feel isolating. But it is life changing, in really really good ways. It is learning to love yourself exactly  as you are. Once you love yourself, you will no longer be willing to go along with someone else’s ideas or beliefs unless they feel right *to you*.

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If depression won’t go away; thoughts and body sensations

Written by Amie on August 10, 2014 – 1:36 am -

Depression is IN the body

I remember a time when I wasn’t aware of my thoughts. That may sound strange, but I think it is more common than not. Most people are sort of on automatic pilot so to speak. I know I was. Before I became aware, I would have said no, I don’t have negative thoughts about myself. Oh my goodness was I ever wrong. I’m not judging myself, I just wasn’t aware. My thoughts were in control, and they had been in a continuous loop for so long, I didn’t realize how mean I was being to myself. When there is an accumulation of emotional pain in the body, our thoughts begin to match the pain by telling us how bad we are that we can’t make it go away. We blame ourselves for feeling so bad. We beat ourselves up because nothing seems to help. I want to talk about one of the main reasons, in my opinion, why depression won’t go away no matter how positive you may think you are being. Many of us try to feel better by fighting the negative thoughts. We try to block out the “negative” thoughts. While I do believe it is a very very good thing to begin saying positive affirmations to yourself, I also believe you can’t stop there if you want to truly feel better. Depression is IN the body, this is why our thoughts don’t make it go away.

Incessant thoughts…..keep you distracted from the emotional pain 

Depression will not go away until you are ready to feel your body. What do I mean by this? I want to explain it, because there was a time I didn’t fully understand what this meant. Thoughts are one thing, feeling in the body is something different. When I was deeply depressed I wasn’t aware of my body. I didn’t notice how my body felt when I was having an emotion or when I was thinking about things. When I had an emotion about something, my mind quickly took over and would start leading me down a path of trying to figure it all out, or trying to tell me what I was doing wrong, or or or……thoughts would follow thoughts would follow thoughts would follow thoughts…. I had no idea these thoughts weren’t true, nor did I have any idea that I could control my mind by first becoming aware of my body sensations. Incessant thoughts are there to keep you distracted from the emotional pain you are having in your body. In some way, thoughts are helping you cope with the pain by giving you something to think about. Even though the thoughts are not making you feel good, they are keeping you busy while your body is in anguish. Thoughts will not make depression ease up. If you are feeling horrible right now, try an experiment if you can. Try saying to yourself, “I am a beautiful person.” At the very same time, pay very close attention to your body. How does it feel? Is your stomach tight? Does your head feel like its in a vice grip? Please don’t stop saying the affirmations, they will start to feel true at some point. But I just want you to become aware of your body.

Depression is the messenger

It is so very important to become aware of your body sensations if you want to discover the truth of who you really are. You are not your depression. Depression is the messenger. It is telling you that your truth is inside you, the truth that you are a beautiful loving soul who can, in fact, feel happy and joyful. Our bodies hold emotions if we aren’t able to express them at the time an event happens. Therefore, our bodies are storing many many emotions that are waiting to be triggered or felt. Feeling them is the antidote for helping them leave the body. When something happens that triggers the repressed emotions, our first reaction is to “figure it out”. Which, guess what this does? It takes us away from feeling the emotion in the body. So, the emotion will remain in the body until it can be expressed. I need to also say this; it is important not to push yourself to feel. Just become aware of your body, and you will feel as your body is ready. Staying aware is most important, and being gentle on yourself as things come up to be felt and processed.

what I mean by “triggers”

Becoming aware is so important because it is the beginning of having more control over your mind. As you process the pain, your negative thoughts will lessen a great deal. I don’t believe they will ever completely go away, but you will become better at just observing them and noticing they are thoughts. You will also be able to feel in your body that negative thoughts are not the truth. If you don’t have the body triggers, then the thoughts don’t affect you so much. In case you aren’t sure what I mean by “triggers”, I will give you an example in my own life. When someone in my life tells me I should forgive someone, it still triggers the hurt place inside me. Not nearly as much as in the past, but it still does, nonetheless. What does this look like for me? Well, I first notice a tightness in my stomach, a clenching. It feels like my stomach is trying to hold onto something. This is a past reaction I am still working on. In the past, I would be on autopilot, and I would become angry in my head, but ignore my body. I would “think” I am a bad person because I can’t “forgive”.

Act as though nothing happened

My pattern was to get angry, but not express how I felt. I would hold it in because I wanted to be a “nice person” by agreeing to forgive. The back story, or where this came from, is this: I learned the definition of forgiveness is, “forget that someone hurt you without taking any responsibility for their actions. Act as though nothing happened, and then pretend that you are fine.”  So, until I process all of my feelings around my learned dysfunctional definition of forgiveness, I will still be triggered (i.e. my body will still react). So, my job is to feel and process my emotions each time I am triggered until my body no longer reacts. Awareness makes so much difference! With awareness I am able to remind myself, “oh, look, I am being triggered by this right now, just allow it to be there.” And, then I allow myself to feel my body without going into a story. Thoughts will control you if you don’t stay aware of them. And, it is so important not to follow the thoughts. Always check in with your body. If you are anxious, feel the body sensations rather than following your thoughts into the story. Keep going back to your body.

Please be gentle on yourself. Nurture yourself as much as possible. You will feel better the more you feel and the more you learn to love yourself. You DO deserve to feel good. Love is your natural state. Feeling will get you to the truth inside. It will be painful at times, but keep reminding yourself that the emotions are just energy moving through.  Stay with your body. Thank your body for getting you to this day, for getting you through the pain, for helping you cope. Give yourself a big hug from me. 

Listening to this makes me feel calm and makes me feel the truth of who I really am. I hope it makes you feel good too.

 

 

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