Letting go of the good little girl

Written by Amie on April 8, 2014 – 3:27 am -

 “You know the truth by the way it feels” ~India Arie

 

if I stand in my truth, I am not a nice person

The a-ha moments just keep coming. And for that I am grateful. Not always excited to go through the uncomfortable stages of the process, but once I’m on the other side, I feel relief and I feel as though I have shed more of the deeply held beliefs that sometimes keep me stuck. My latest a-ha moment has been floating around in my body for a while, but I just wasn’t exactly sure what it was. Until now. Now I know exactly what it is. It is the deeply held belief that if I stand in my truth, I am not a nice person. I am not a “good girl”. I am a troublemaker. This also goes along with the other belief I thought was true. The belief that tells me I am assumed bad and I must try to convince people of my inherent goodness. I am using the terms good/bad here just for reference points. I don’t really believe in the terms good/bad as they are used in our society. But that’s for another post. I wrote about it hereAnyway, I came to realize that my automatic reaction to someone who is criticizing me or judging me is to try to defend myself. I am grateful that I am able to observe myself now rather than get sucked into the old belief.

this nagging feeling

What I didn’t realize before now is that no matter what I say, I will never be seen for who I really am as long as I am not complying with their wishes. In other words, if I don’t continue doing things “the way we have always done them”, I will be seen in a way that benefits them. It makes so much sense to me now as to why I was so harsh on myself. When a person has to constantly defend their own truth, the negative can very well start seeping into their core. Especially if this way of being has been years in the making. Thankfully, I started down the road to self-love a few years ago, and I do love myself now, which feels so freeing! However, I hadn’t realized exactly what this nagging feeling was that continued to hang around. When I chose to set boundaries instead of going back to business as usual, this  old way of being came to light. I saw very clearly that I had been conditioned to believe I am a bad person if I voice beliefs that don’t follow protocol, so to speak. If I speak out against the things that hurt my heart or hurt others, I am labeled a troublemaker or someone who is weak or selfish.

 I stand up for what I believe in

I don’t want to be the good little girl anymore. And I stopped being that girl a few years ago. This does not mean I am a bad person. This doesn’t mean I think my way is better than someone else’s way.  This means I stand up for what I believe in and I follow my heart, even if it goes against what others may believe. Being a good girl meant that I followed what others wanted me to do. Being a good girl meant that I shut off my own needs and my own voice so that others could remain in their own stories. I was a good girl so that others could stay comfortable. Thankfully, that girl gets a rest now. She has my love and compassion, but she is no longer choosing the familiar way. The familiar way led me to a deep dark hole of depression. If I would have stayed in the “safe zone” of continuing to be the good little girl, I would not be in a very healthy place right now. I finally broke free. I finally stopped being the good little girl who tried to meet everyone else’s needs while starving myself in the process.

To just merely exist is not living

When I realized how starved I was, I began down the path to self-love. I thought I was being “good” by always taking other people’s needs into account before my own. I didn’t know a different way existed. Until I learned another way. I learned to nurture myself and to love myself. I learned that taking care of me did not mean I would ignore everyone else. It meant that I matter, my needs matter, and I will follow my truth. I learned that yes,I was born for a reason, and it is my duty to figure out why I am here. To just merely exist is not living. I was not fully alive until I began listening to and trusting my heart. If we were all to take care of our internal emotional wounding, and learn that we are important and we deserve our own love, the whole world would change. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. The more we heal our wounds, the more we are available to really authentically help others. We would no longer help others from a place of obligation; we would help them because we have room in our hearts to fully, authentically help them. So, I choose being an authentic, loving woman, and I let that good little girl have a very long rest.

 

This is so beautiful…gratitude.

 

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs,with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”~Iyanla Vanzant

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Becoming aware of the truth of your inner voice

Written by Amie on September 2, 2013 – 4:48 pm -

“I made it to adulthood and I am fine”

I was meditating this morning and a very strong insight came to me about how we learn the message very early on to dim our light. We are all born shining radiantly and feeling very connected to divine energy (or whatever label you choose to give it). As a baby grows and gets older, she is given many messages that in a subtle way (but not always subtle) tell her she is shining too bright and she needs to tone down her brightness. (This is not always true, so I don’t want to sound as though I think this is true for every single person. There are some conscious adults who treat children respectfully) Based on my experience and my experiences with others, I feel so much truth in this. I want to start out by saying it is nobody’s fault that this happens. This is the way our society has been programmed and conditioned for quite some time now. Until each person is willing to take responsibility for their experience and heal their inner world, it continues to be passed from one generation to the next. It is not uncommon for people to say, “this way worked for me, I made it to adulthood and I am fine, I turned out okay, you have it better than I did, so something must be working”. This may be true to some degree, but my question is, “what is your baseline?” What criteria does one use for measuring and defining, “turned out okay”?

the agenda, or curriculum, is to make sure we *don’t* feel how powerful we really are!

Before I go off on that tangent, I want to stay with my meditation experience and the insight I gained. On some very deep level, I received the message that we, as humans ,were taught beginning many generations ago, that our power is scary. We were taught to hide the power that is in every single one of us. It seems we were taught to look away from our divine connection, to dim the light so as not to shine too brightly around other people. It seems the agenda or curriculum is to make sure we *don’t* feel how powerful we really are! I imagine how shiny and happy and full of light a new baby is. And for awhile this may continue. It seems to continue until the child starts pushing buttons (subconsciously)  that emotionally trigger the adults, parents, etc. This creates anger and/or fear in the adult. Rather than acknowledging this, the adult may “blame” the child for being “bad”, or wanting to “make things difficult for me”, or “he is just ornery”, or “she is too sensitive or too dramatic”, or he is “strong willed”. (and the list goes on! All ways of dimming the child’s light in hopes that the child will stop calling attention to the adult’s wounds). Not to mention in many cases, the child may be punished, creating more damage to the already dimmed light. All punishment (physical, mental, emotional, verbal) hurts the child, and dims their light.  

not experts at all

The beginning of the dimming is the moment a parent or caregiver decides to go against their own inner knowing and cling to the unhealthy messages they themselves were conditioned with. It is not unusual to hear a parent say something like, “I really wanted to hold my baby all day but the doctor said this is bad,” or “my parents said that would spoil the baby.” So, instead of listening to that inner knowing (that radiant inner voice we were all born with) some may go along with what “the expert” says, or with what the society has deemed “normal” and “healthy”, because this is how many people have been conditioned. Listen to everyone else around you and doubt or ignore your inner voice. One thing I try to remember is that most “experts” who claim to be experts may not really be experts at all.  They may be other wounded human beings who have not yet dealt with their own inner issues. This is another reason to listen to your own inner voice. Listen to what feels true to you. We can listen to other people, but the bottom line is that we need to gauge their information against our own inner voice to see what is best for us.

respond in the present time, rather than reacting from our own emotional wounding

This is one way the conditioned behavior of dimming one’s light is passed on to the next generation. The baby or child is crying (not always literally) for what they need, and the caregiver reacts to them from their own wounded self, rather than the inner light of knowing; the light they were taught to ignore. Emotionally wounded adults have to work very hard to be able to respond to others’ needs in a conscious way. It takes someone who is willing to be a work in progress to be able to respond in a healthy way. In order to meet the needs of a child or anyone really, we have to be willing to see them, hear them, and respond in the present time, rather than reacting from our own emotional wounding. As adults, the “crying” continues in ways that are unacceptable or in our world. The “crying out for help” is looked upon as weakness by other emotionally wounded adults. The “crying” is the adult who is always angry, who explodes in rage, who takes to drinking, eating, or shopping (many other outlets as well) excessively, or who submits to others in hopes of getting what they need. The adult who is crying to get their needs met by something other than the inner voice they no longer feel intimate with because they were taught to ignore it!

We have been so deeply conditioned

This happens generation after generation until people learn to trust their inner guidance and to trust that their own inner light is safe to follow. We have been so deeply conditioned. I do believe people are feeling this misalignment, but many aren’t sure how to change it. The pattern runs deep. Think about it, you were taught that your beautiful radiant self is too much for other people to handle, so you need to turn a part of yourself off. The moment you accept this message, you begin to lose who you really are. And the more you accept this message, the more you ignore your inner voice, and the more you change who you are to try to fit others’ definition of who you should be. Ignoring the inner voice that is the same voice of the divine energy in which you were created! Your lifeline! Your life force! We have been so conditioned to believe that others know better than we do about ourselves! We are being conditioned by other people who have also been wounded and are coming from a false sense of self! (assuming they haven’t done their own healing work) In this way, dysfunction is passed on from generation to generation until these false beliefs are questioned and healed. The theme seems to be, “this is the way we’ve always done it.” We accept this because our inner light is so dim (or sometimes almost extinguished), that we are unable to hear it. This light will never burn out, even when your physical body dies. But it can become very very dim. Your light will continue to send you messages no matter how dim it becomes. It will continue trying to get your attention, trying to wake you up from the conditioned belief that it is right to go against your inner light.  You may be unable to hear these little zaps of truth.

UNTIL YOU QUESTION EVERYTHING

This is the cause of depression. We dim our light so that others will be more comfortable and to keep our truth at bay. Keeping your truth at bay is hard work, and also taking responsibility for your truth is hard work. Self-hate becomes the standard because how can you love yourself if you are going against who you really are? How can you love yourself if you also feel you are failing what you have been taught is “normal”. We keep telling ourselves we shouldn’t be depressed, we shouldn’t be angry, we shouldn’t be disappointed, we shouldn’t be longing for something more, we should be independent, we shouldn’t crave connection. Even when we say we crave connection, do we act on it? Many people are afraid. I was one of those people, and still am at times for sure. They are afraid they will seem needy or clingy or others will think of them as weak. So our basic human nature of being vulnerable is masked at all costs. It is so common in our culture to apologize if we cry or become upset. As if we are bothering others by being human! Think about all of the conditioned behaviors in our culture. Most of them perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction. Think about the messages that are sent to the victims in our world. So many receive the message that it is their fault what happens to them and that they need to forgive and get over it. Is it surprising that so many people are depressed and unhappy and unfulfilled?We have been conditioned to believe that being human equals being an emotionless robot! Starting from a young age we hear, “you are fine, stop crying”, or “you just have to deal with it, it’s the way it is”, etc. etc. etc. This indoctrination continues on UNTIL YOU QUESTION EVERYTHING!!!!!!

be curious as to why it is “normal” to go against what you *know* 

Humans are naturally curious! Ask yourself questions, be curious as to why it is “normal” to go against what you *know* in your body. Ask yourself, “when did I start believing that someone else knows me better than I know myself or my child?” Ask yourself, “why is it normal for children to be taught to keep their opinions, thoughts, and feelings to themselves when it comes to emotional situations especially?” Why does it scare adults or make them uncomfortable when a child points out a truth about an adult? Why are children not being taught that there is a divine connection they are tethered to 24/7 that uses their inner voice to help them have a spectacular life!? (I am not talking about religious indoctrination). When did you agree to go along with the expert advice to stop listening to yourself and to stop listening to the children in your life? Why is it okay to treat those younger than you with disrespect? Why has it become okay to look at children as though they are a liability in our lives rather than the incredible teaching beings they truly are? Ask yourself, “when did I stop trusting my inner guidance? And when will I make the choice to want to feel better?”

Depression is repression of yourself, all experiences that were traumatic, including the traumatic experience of accepting the message that your true self should be turned off. (Please know I am in no way making abusive situations into a minor detail in depression, not at all) Depression means ignoring that inner voice that is telling you something is off, something is very off.

This has gotten really long, so I think I will continue later with ways to get your inner light shining bright again so that it radiates so strongly it can’t be missed. Big big love to all. Remember you are loved every second of your life no matter what. The big love is in that inner light right inside you, right now.  

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