Surrender,accept,let go and remember self-love

Written by Amie on August 22, 2013 – 1:32 am -

“The way back to my real environment, the place where my soul was meant to exist, doesn’t lie through any set of codes I will ever find outside of myself. I have to look inward. I have to jettison every sorrow, every terror, every misconception, every lie that stands between my conscious mind and what I know in my heart to be true. Instead of clutching around me all of the trappings of a “good” person, a “successful” person, or even a “righteous” person, I have to be exactly what I am, and take the horrible chance that I may be rejected for it. I can’t get home by cloaking myself in the armor of any system; social, political, or religious. I have to strip off all that comforting armor and go on naked”. ~Martha Beck

 

the scary part

Another layer of healing and I feel like I am recovering faster each time. The pain is deep, but I don’t stay in the pain for very long. Crying is so healing and cleansing. First the anger, then the sadness, deep grieving, and then relief. I feel lighter each time. I remember a time when I would stay in the anger phase without allowing the raw feelings underneath to come to the surface. Staying in anger creates resentment and eventually depression. I know this now, and I continue to work on it. Allowing the raw feelings underneath the anger to surface is the scary part at first, but once they show themselves, great relief comes sooner. Anger is always a sign that there are needs not being met, a sign that something is not “right”. I think as a culture we have been taught that anger is bad, but I disagree. Anger is only an unhealthy thing if a person stays in the anger stage without processing the real feelings underneath, or if they act out of anger and harm another person. When used as a sign that something is off, anger is a wonderful tool.

incapable of really *seeing* me and *hearing* me

I was very angry last night. I received another letter from someone who has hurt me deeply but won’t acknowledge their part in the  hurt. This person denies ever hurting me. This person goes so far as to act completely perplexed as to why I am hurt. Hearing this hurts even more. At least it did temporarily. The anger turned to hurt and sadness pretty quickly. And then the grief hit today. The letter I received made it so clear that this person will not take responsibility for the hurt they have caused. The clarity helped me see that I need to let go of the hope that things can be any different. I surrender to what is. The facts keep being shown to me. The fact that this person is incapable of really *seeing* me and *hearing* me. And this person is incapable of taking ownership of the hurt they have caused. So for me, I accept them for who they are, but that doesn’t mean I will subject myself to further hurt. People continue to hurt others when they are incapable of noticing how their words and actions affect others. I understand, but that doesn’t mean I will choose to be with people who do this.

I love myself and I have compassion for myself

So, I continue to let go. It is a process to be sure. It is not easy, but it is getting easier. It is difficult to truly let go of the hope that things will change. But if I hold on to hope, it keeps me suffering. It keeps me in a holding pattern so to speak. Waiting and hoping. Not a healthy way to live. So, I surrender to what is, I let go, I accept, and I send healing and love to those who have hurt me. If I find myself wishing for something to be different, or wishing for someone to finally understand and take responsibility for their actions, I am not letting go. I am holding on. It is a slow process. I have to remind myself often to trust the Universe. Everything happens for a reason, everything unfolds exactly as it should. I continue and I trust. And I send more love to them. I hear what they say and I remind myself that they are in pain. I surrender. I accept. I let go. And most importantly, I love myself and I have compassion for myself. I honor all of my feelings, and I allow myself to feel however I feel without judgment.

a song that helps me process my emotions

I want to share this song with you that I listen to when I feel angry. It is helpful when I know there are deeper feelings underneath the anger wanting to be felt. It really helps me feel my anger and then let it go so that the feelings underneath can come up. The meaning of the song has nothing to do with why I listen to it. I feel the emotion in the song, and I believe this is the reason it is helpful for me when I’m angry and I am having trouble allowing my emotions to emerge. 

It is Dixie Chicks, “Not Ready TO Make Nice”

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Returning to my truth again and again

Written by Amie on November 13, 2009 – 7:23 pm -

My Apprehension

I have been feeling a bit apprehension to write exactly how I am feeling. I don’t want to sound as though I am focusing on the negative. However, I feel as though my posts aren’t authentic if I am not being completely open and honest about what is going on with me. So, I have been meditating frequently on the subject of what it really means to me to be present in my life, and how negativity fits in. Many things have come up, but the one theme that seems to be recurring is that I am being present in my life as long as I am present with what is coming up for me. By this I mean, if emotions come up that stem from the past, it is normal for it to feel negative. It doesn’t mean I am focusing on the past or focusing on the negative, as long as I am present with the emotions themselves. It doesn’t help me if I let my mind go to the blaming game or the “I wish it could have been like this….”. I am able to see how that keeps me stuck.

Process emotions by allowing yourself to feel them

However, it is important for me to process my emotions as they come up by really feeling them.  I am not trying to push them away by going into the blaming or the I wish it were different. If I stay with how I am feeling right *now*, then I am not focusing on the negative, I am focusing on how I am feeling right now in this moment. Yes, my emotions may stem from something from the past, and that is OK. But it is important for me to stay with how I am feeling in this moment. If we keep playing stories over and over in our minds about how we wish things would have been different, or blaming someone for something they did or didn’t do for us, we are not present. To me, this means I am allowing my mind, or my *pain-body* to be in charge. This keeps us stuck in depression.

Conscious and Unconscious Thought

Stay with the emotions to stay in the now

Staying with the emotions that are happening right now is more difficult than staying stuck. Some emotions that stem from painful experiences are sad, scary, hurtful, or are difficult for us to accept. It is important to feel the sadness, feel the fear, feel the grief, feel the anger, feel the disappointment. For me, it is like making friends with my emotions. Saying hello to them, and asking them what I can do to help them flow through rather than stay stuck in an unhealthy pattern. Most of the time, it takes just acknowledging them and making sure they know I am with them. Letting them have a voice is very important. I know I have said this before, but in the early stages of my healing process, I had no idea how I felt. I could not answer the question, “what is going on with you?” My therapist taught me how to go to my body first, see what was happening there. For me, I tend to hold my emotions in my stomach. I learned to talk to the knot in my stomach to determine what was happening to me in the present moment. The knot in my stomach was holding onto unreleased trauma and fear from past situations, but the knot in my stomach was happening in the present moment. I would keep asking the knot to tell me what it wants to say, and I would get to the root of what was causing my emotions right then. Many times, I need to move my body to completely release the stuck emotions.

Emotional life shut down

Many of us have learned that living in the present moment can be painful. We may have learned that who we are in the moment is not enough, or not what others want from us. Returning to my truth means to remember these are stories, not truth. When I started down this healing road I had no idea my emotional life was completely shut down. When I learned to live in the present moment (at least part of the time!) it was a shock to me to learn I was  so shut down. As I began to unravel my truth, it was like I was meeting a stranger. Although it felt like I was meeting a stranger, it also felt like I had arrived home. Home being *my* home. My home is my truth; the truth that lives inside me. We all have a truth within us, one part being our “story”, that is unique to just us, and the remainder of the truth is universal to all. I (you) am/are loved, I(you) am/are here for a reason, I(you) am/are part of a much greater universal source, I(you) am/are accepted for exactly as I(you) am/are. I want to stay connected to that universal source and to you….thank you for being here to witness my truth. I would love to hear yours.

 

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