the need to feel connected; learning self love and self compassion

Written by Amie on April 19, 2013 – 1:05 am -

feeling safe to express who you really are

Underneath the feelings of depression, sadness,guilt,shame,grief, (and I believe most emotions), is the need to feel connected to ourselves and to others. When I was depressed, I was completely shut off from myself and from others. When I was depressed, I would isolate myself. What I really needed was someone to be there with me, holding me and reassuring me. Sadly, I felt I didn’t deserve to have this, and I also felt that nobody would want to be there for me anyway. So I was not able to ask for what I needed. I believe most people (people who are not in touch with their true feelings) feel too ashamed that they have the need to be connected to others. It makes them feel weak to need other people. When I say “connected”, I mean in an authentic way. I mean being able to feel and to express your deepest, most sacred feelings. I mean feeling safe to express who you really are.  What I was truly craving when I was feeling the most hopeless, was to have  someone there with me to witness the emotions I was having, and to be present with me, without trying to “fix it”. Instead, I felt guilt, shame, and self-hatred because I couldn’t “feel better” on my own. I felt as if something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just “snap out of it”, or “find something positive to focus on”. Well, now I know why.

our  emotions trigger a reaction inside them

Most of us were conditioned to shut off our emotions and to believe that we “shouldn’t” need anybody when we are having “strong” emotions. People may tell us to reach out, but many people are not capable of handling us if we actually do reach out. Many people try to “say the right thing” by offering to be there for us, but when it comes down to it, we learn that it isn’t safe to express our true selves. We learn that when we  reach out we hear the message, “you will be OK”, “tomorrow is another day to start over”, “can you exercise, will that help?”, “maybe you should do…xyz”. Don’t get me wrong, most people are well intentioned.  The problem is that our  emotions trigger a reaction inside them, so they want that feeling to go away quickly, as it feels very uncomfortable. They want you to be “all better” so that things can feel “normal”, and so that they can go back to feeling comfortable. What we really need is just to be heard, validated, accepted, and loved. These feelings make us feel connected to each other.  Deep inside each of us is the need to feel connected and accepted, especially when we are feeling horrible about ourselves. When we share our sacred feelings with someone and the reaction we get back is one of dismissal, or of them trying to “fix” us, this reinforces our feelings of self-hatred. Even though they are attempting to make us feel better, we feel worse because we are not being heard and our feelings are not being validated. By trying to fix us, we get the message that something really is wrong with us. So, we decide that isolating ourselves is the answer. Who would want to be around someone who is depressed and can’t “get over it”? The self-hate messages convince us that we don’t deserve to be listened to and loved. (please keep reading, as there are most definitely ways to get your needs met in this situation).

even when we feel dead inside

Many of us were conditioned to hide our feelings, to hide until we “feel better”. We have been conditioned to put on a smile even when we feel dead inside. I remember  “acting as though everything is fine”. That is, until I couldn’t do that for one more second! I thought I would go completely insane if something didn’t change. I knew I needed people in my life who could love me and support me for being exactly as I am. I didn’t “mentally” think this, if that makes sense, but I *knew* in my body that I needed to be connected to others in a healthy way. I was craving like-minded, accepting people. In general, if a person could stop and really get in touch with their true feelings, they might notice how they are craving authentic connection with others. Imagine if it became “normal”, healthy behavior to answer the question, “how are you today?” with a REAL answer instead of, “fine, thanks, how are you?”! You might say, “well, actually I am feeling sad today because my cat is sick. I am afraid she might die, and I’m really scared.” Imagine if the person responded to you with authentic heartfelt words that really connected you to them. Imagine if that person looked you in the eyes and really “saw” your pain and your fear, without trying to make you “all better”. Imagine if they just simply connected with you in a way that you truly felt heard and validated?  Your truth is being shared with another being, and you feel connected and you feel safe. Imagine what this world would feel like!! Imagine how each of us would feel if we felt connected to all of the people in our lives in an authentic way. Imagine if we didn’t feel the need to hide or pretend how we are feeling in order to protect ourselves emotionally.

Depression is your soul’s way of saying, “enough beating”

Connection is at the heart of being human. Humans need authentic connection in order to be healthy. We can only pretend for so long. Sadly though, there are some people who go through their whole lives without having real connection. We are all craving authentic connection. I believe this 100%. But we have been shamed and guilted into believing we shouldn’t show our true selves. The way our world is set up right now, it is difficult to feel connected in an authentic way with others because most people are in “pretend you are happy” mode. This does a disservice to everyone for so many reasons. It is very difficult to be vulnerable with someone who appears to “have it all together”, or with someone who appears to have  no worries.  Remember, most people may be pretending, so try not to compare yourself with others. Healthy people do exist though, lol, I promise you that!  Some people who appear to be happy, are in fact, happy and healthy! As you become more and more aware of your own emotions and truths, you will begin to have a feeling about others who might be a safe choice for you to express your true self. The path to connection begins with self-love and self-compassion, two things most of us were not taught. We must begin the practice of being easy on ourselves. We have been shut down emotionally and beat down mentally, for possibly our whole lives. Depression marks the turning point. Depression is your soul’s way of saying, “enough beating”. “Enough self-hatred”. It is time to begin the journey to loving yourself enough to fill the need for connection. You deserve connection and love.

The Good News! Your Way to feeling and being connected

Now for the good news! When we don’t feel safe enough to express our true selves, we are not connected to anyone, let alone to life itself. Cutting ourselves off from our true selves and from others, we also cut ourselves off from our life force. I don’t believe it is possible to feel connected to anyone or anything in an authentic way unless you love yourself. You can only feel love and connection to the degree in which you feel it towards yourself. (two exceptions in my opinion, are children and animals) Life doesn’t want us to feel disconnected. It is there just waiting for us to reconnect. Learning self love and self compassion is key. I went from completely hating myself to being completely in love with myself. (it has taken several years, and I continue to grow stronger and stronger in this, as the journey goes on forever) I tell you this because I want you to know that this is possible for you too to love yourself no matter how hopeless you are feeling in this moment! It is a process of unlearning the self hate messages and beliefs that have been on “automatic” in your mind for probably most of your life. So, for me, I began with nurturing myself whenever I possibly could. I picked nurturing music, I read healing books, I found a loving therapist (who focuses on self-love and body/mind/spirit), and I became part of a healing, women’s growth group, I danced more, I got healing massages and learned all kinds of body healing techniques, and very importantly, I started working with a homeopath. I bought myself small gifts when I could; pens and pads of paper being my favorites. I asked the universe to bring healthy people into my life, and then I paid attention. I began meeting people who I feel safe being vulnerable with. I also stopped opening myself to people who weren’t yet capable of receiving me and my truth. It is a process to learn to take good care of ourselves. Becoming aware of your thoughts is imperative. When you hear self-hate in your thoughts, choose self-compassion instead. Have compassion for yourself as you would have for a small child or a loving pet. Talk to yourself as you would talk to them. Listen to the pain going through your head. It is painful to tell yourself hurtful thoughts. Give yourself compassion around this. Fill your thoughts with self-loving words, even if they don’t feel true. Someday they will, and you won’t need to say them anymore, your body will *know* them to be true, your body will *feel* them.


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Underneath the anger

Written by Amie on September 20, 2012 – 1:26 pm -

“By clinging to the mind in the form of memory and thought, we are held captive by the movement of our conditioned thinking and imagination, all the while believing that we are perfectly rational and sane.” ~Adyashanti


no longer trapped

I really am just an onion…so many layers of me I must peel away to get to the true me. The layers peel away faster and faster these days. Clarity comes much quicker and easier than it did a few years ago. Or even a year ago. I am grateful I am just an onion now, and not stuck inside the bullet proof box I was trapped in before. I was locked in my box of protection, so trapped in the deep dark place that I called depression. The sad thing is that I didn’t even know I was stuck there, I thought how I felt was normal. Well, I suppose you could say it was normal at the time. There is no right normal or wrong normal. I still believe we are always exactly where we need to be in every  moment of our lives. For reasons yet to be revealed to me at the time, I needed the protection of that box. Once I started peeling away layers, I can see and appreciate why I needed to protect myself emotionally.

furious beyond words

That idea leads me into how I am feeling right now. I will start with a few days ago. I was furious beyond words. Anger is powerful. It can lead us to do something destructive to ourselves or others, or it can lead to awareness, acceptance, and clarity. I wasn’t sure which route I was going to go at first. I wanted to scream at the person who was unkind to me. I wanted to part ways with her for the rest of my life. I wanted her to “know” that her behavior was wrong and unacceptable! I wanted her to know that she should never mess with me. That was my ego talking, and it was also the little girl inside me who has been hurt repeatedly by this person. It would have been easy to fall into the victim role of “oh poor me, why does she continue to act this way?” That is the route I probably would have taken many years ago. Instead, I let the anger provide fuel for me to empower myself. Anger is an emotion (really it is energy), but it is rarely the actual emotion we are feeling. It is an emotion that is easier to have than the true feelings underneath. My anger led me to the realization that nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent, a quote by the very brilliant woman Eleanor Roosevelt. My anger spurred me to take my power back.


healing begins with becoming aware

After allowing my anger to just be there for a few days, clarity began to move in. I was thinking about a friend of mine who is so confident in her own skin and is not afraid to let her truth shine out there in the world. Many people might look at this as being arrogant or self-absorbed or whatever other negative traits we have been trained to think. However, this is not the case at all with her. She feels safe to shine her light in the world, and will not apologize for doing so. There is nothing to apologize for, why should she? I wish everybody felt this confident about themselves (we all have the capacity to do so). Then the world could be blessed with  every single beautiful part of every person!  Sadly, until we do our own internal work, most people feel guilty or shameful about feeling confident about themselves. So many people are still believing those damn voices that are telling them, “you shouldn’t say that, people will think you are a know-it-all, or people will think you are stuck up, or people will think you are….blah blah blah…” and the list goes on. We have been conditioned to believe we should care about what others think of us rather than living out the truth of who we really are. We learn that it isn’t emotionally safe to be ourselves in the world. Our true beautiful selves were smashed down too often for us to trust that it is safe to be who we really are. Our job is to become aware of the messages we were conditioned with and then question them. Healing begins with becoming aware of the voices in your head and what they are saying to you.

they confirm your feelings of self hate

Okay, back to the thought of experiencing guilt or shame when feeling confident. I realized after thinking about my confident friend that a huge part of my anger towards the person mentioned above is due to her being uncomfortable with my joy and happiness. When I appear confident to her, she starts judging me and expressing her disapproval of what I choose to do in my life. The main thing is that she is making up her own stories about my life. She actually believes she knows me and knows how I live my life. This I find amusing. How can a person know who I really am when I rarely see them, AND when I rarely show my true self to them? I protect myself from people that judge me. Until you have done a lot of healing work, it is best to avoid being around unkind and judgmental people because it is easy to stay depressed around them. They confirm your feelings of self hate. By limiting my time with them, I am accepting them as they are. I accept that this person is judgmental, and will most likely continue to act in the same manner. I accept it for what it is, but I also choose to avoid being around her.  I have no place in my life for people who claim they love me but then judge me and talk badly about me to other people in my life. This is how I take my power back. I choose to either eliminate them from my life or severely limit my time with those who continue to betray me and to be judgmental of me.

someone is judging you

I will have compassion for them from a distance. I understand what it is like to have so much self hate that it is easiest to look at everyone around me to judge them instead of doing my own inner reflection and healing work.  I am so far removed from self hate now, there is no way I will choose to be around people who are unkind to me. I wish them well, and I do hope they find the courage to heal those parts of themselves that need love and compassion, but I can’t do it for them, and I won’t be a part of their negativity. When someone is judging you, it is ALWAYS because of the feelings that were triggered inside them. It is never about you! They may try to blame you or try to tell you you should change, etc. but if they could become aware of their true feelings, they would begin to see the truth. The truth is that something about you or your life triggered an emotional wound in them. THIS is the work each of us can do. Asking the questions. Why does this person “make” me feel angry, why does that person “make” me feel self conscious, why does this person “make” me feel like I don’t matter……..question everything. It is the beginning of awareness and the path to healing.





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