Getting stuck in the muck

Written by Amie on January 30, 2010 – 12:41 am -

So many layers

It has been awhile, as you know. I really haven’t felt like writing for the past few weeks. I have been doing a bunch of internal processing, I guess. Really this means getting stuck in the muck, reversing out of the muck, and then driving right back into it. The hardest part is making sure not to beat myself up for “getting stuck” yet again. I do realize that my mind is like a steel trap. When it wants to hold onto something, it clamps shut and there is no opening it until it is good and ready. The “muck” this time was really all about learning how to just surrender to my feelings. Allow them. FEEL them. The same song and dance, but just another layer, you know? My mind likes to take me to the place of trying to figure it all out. You know, this time, I will figure out WHY I am feeling so bad. When I just allow myself to go into the feelings, feel them without trying to label or figure them out, the energy disperses a bit.

Your body and cells hold memories that were repressed, until you release them

This can be tricky for me because sometimes I really can’t say what I am feeling. Which leads to judging myself. “I should be able to figure out what I feel”. Says who? This is when it is helpful to talk to my body. My body and my cells remember everything. My mind doesn’t necessarily need to know what my body is remembering. Just acknowledging the fact that I am in emotional pain is enough. Then, if I am not able to name a feeling, most likely I can express the fact that I am frustrated to not know. So, I try hard to go into my feeling of frustration. What does it feel like, not what does it mean. What does that frustration look and feel like in my body? My stomach feels tight, I feel an excess of energy swirling around. So, I get up and move. Shake my body until the energy shifts.

A Vicious cycle

Fighting against my feelings keeps me stuck in the muck. When I fight them by resisting “what is”, I suffer. So many of us have learned to push our true feelings away. It amazes me each time I can actually name a feeling I am having. Honestly, I had no clue how to do this for most of my life. When we fight against our truth, we are fighting a losing battle. Resistance spurs the fear, and fear spurs the resistance. A vicious cycle indeed. You have heard me talk about “the pain body”, the term Eckhart Tolle uses to describe the energy field of old but still very much alive emotion that lives in almost every human being. The pain-body tries to keep us in our old stories; the old story is the only one it knows. Leaving the comfort zone is scary. Fear keeps us in the comfort zone.  I keep asking myself what is there to fear? Emotions? Yes. When we have practiced hiding our truth for many years, it is scary as hell to allow them out. However, I am seeing more and more that letting them out may be difficult at first, but I always feel better after I let them flow.

Gangaji

Who are you?

Who are you without your story? Who are you when you allow “what is” to just be there? Who are you when you stop resisting the fear, even for just a few seconds? Who is “you”. “You” is beautiful energy that flows freely and is shared with all other humans and living creatures. “You” are not your story, you are not any of the labels that you have been telling yourself. “You” are not depressed, sad, angry, disappointed, etc. “You” might just be a bit stuck in the muck because of resisting your truth. Once you let out the truth, your energy will swirl freely around in joy.

Avatar

I thought I would share this beautiful song, “I See You”, by Leona Lewis from the incredible movie, “Avatar”.


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