I soothe my pain and I comfort my grief

Written by Amie on January 27, 2014 – 2:01 am -

the little girl 

I wonder how many times I have said to myself that I have let go of hoping things could be different. I think I let go, and then a wave of grief hits to remind me I am human. So I go deeper, deeper into the pain that still lingers at times. I feel. I feel. I feel. And it is painful. Each time I allow myself to feel the deeper pain, I heal that much more. I remember to parent myself. I say things to myself that I wish I would have heard as a little girl. I say the things that remind me I am loved and cared for even if it doesn’t look like what I thought it would look like. I feel and I release the disappointment that there are some people who will never realize the hurt they have caused. I feel the sadness that some people choose to perpetuate the very same behaviors from the past that continue to cause others pain in the present. I nurture myself in the way that soothes the longing just a little bit. I soothe my pain and I comfort my grief. I comfort and protect the little girl within my heart who still wishes for things to be different.  The little girl who wishes she could remember a time when she felt safe as a child. Safe to express who she really was. The little girl who knew she would be protected no matter what. The little girl who always wished to feel adored, who wished for encouragement to be strong and carefree. The little girl who learned to take care of others before herself. The little girl who learned to do things for herself because that was the only choice. The little girl who took everybody else’s needs into account and completely forgot about her own. The little girl who had no idea what healthy meant.

Little Girl Holding Kitten

 she is me and I am her

I keep the little girl tucked safely in my heart. She is free to be who she really is. She is safe. She is protected. She is beautiful and worthy of love. She is my sweet baby girl. She is no longer a victim. She has me now, to support, encourage, protect, love, care for, and cherish her. She doesn’t have to worry anymore about not getting her needs met. She doesn’t have to worry anymore about being taken advantage of. She doesn’t have to hide her true self in hopes that her false self will be loved and accepted. She is safe, strong, capable, wild, free, happy, loved, loving, cherished, capable, worthy, heard, seen, expressive, and she is me. And I am her. We are a team. She will always be safe in my care.

 we all have our own journeys; this is mine and that is theirs

My little girl and I are no longer victims. We get to choose who has the honor of being an important part of our life. My little girl and I decide what we want to do, what feeds our soul, who we want to play with, who we want to talk to, who we want to love, and who is trusted to love us. I own my life, both past and present. I express from my truth. And…..there are times when I just need to feel sad and grieve for what I wish I had. Grieve for the people who choose to look the other way rather than own up to their behaviors. And come back to the understanding that we all have our own journeys; this is mine and that is theirs. And still I allow myself to feel the real feelings that surface when they need to. This is how I own my journey. I accept my path, I accept theirs, and I honor my feelings and my truth. I nurture myself and I take good care of my little girl within.

the more at peace I am

If I am to continue feeling alive and healthy, I must let the little girl in me express herself and I must assure her that she is safe. I do this by practicing self-love and self-nurturing. I nurture myself by nurturing my little girl. Everybody has their own journey, and even though my little girl didn’t receive the love and nurture she needed, I am still very grateful for my life and my experiences. I continue to release the sadness, the grief, the longing; while at the same time I own my life and my experiences. The more I own my truth, the deeper into my soul I am able to go. The deeper I go, the more authentic I am and the more at peace I am. I wouldn’t be who I am, doing what I am doing if it weren’t for my experiences. I know without a doubt, I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, and letting go more and more each moment. I am loved. And so are you. Always.

 

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Posted in Depression, Grief and dying, healing from depression, Help with depression, Nurture yourself, Self-love | 6 Comments »

The journey of looking within and learning to accept the capabilities of others

Written by Amie on May 1, 2012 – 10:33 pm -

Healing from the inside out; severe depression and unhappiness

I often wonder why some people decide to begin the journey of looking within themselves and others do not. I know in my case, my motivation was severe depression and pure unhappiness. Resentment, loneliness, and sadness were mixed in there as well. For me, it was a matter of survival. I knew if I didn’t find a way to change the way I was feeling, I may not make it. That’s the truth. The journey of looking within oneself is not easy. Questioning everything you ever thought to be true can be very scary. It can feel as though your whole life is changing and the world as you know it is no longer there. Both of these statements are true. Your world will change, sometimes drastically, and the world as you knew it will no longer be. I suppose this is the reason so many people never even step foot on the road to looking within. What these people will never know then, is that this journey is incredible! Healing from the inside out is the most rewarding experience and, in my opinion, one of the reasons we are here in these physical bodies. I don’t believe we are here to suffer and to feel miserable and angry. I believe we are here to discover the truth we were born with, and to feel infinite amounts of love. I think I am here and you are here, to discover that we *are* love, pure love, and that we are magnificent beings who are all attached to each other by a thread that connects us all.

it is a spiritual process

I know that at the beginning of my journey, I was unaware of  many possibilities and ideas. I had been repressing my feelings(my truth) for so long, I had no idea I was covering my true self up. I never knew to question who I was. Depression took over my life, and my feelings became unbearable. I knew something was very wrong. The way I felt could not possibly be as good as it gets.  I began looking for help. I signed up for a six week healing group for women. It opened my eyes to so many things about myself. It opened my heart in a way I had never experienced. Being with and learning from other women was a huge leap onto the path I continue on today. From this group I found my therapist, who is incredible. I believe she has been integral in my growth because she did and continues to do her own growth work. I believe a therapist can only take us as far along on our path to healing as they have gone on their own path. I believe this is why I went to several therapists before my current one, and left feeling just as bad as when I started! There is so much more to good therapy than just sitting there talking and listening. So much more. It is a spiritual process.

I made the choice to look at myself and to process the resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness, and most importantly, to learn to *feel* my feelings

I have been on this path for quite a few years now. I can honestly say that my depression has been gone for awhile now. I believe this is because I made the choice to look at myself and to process the resentment, anger, sadness, loneliness, and most importantly, to learn to *feel* my feelings. I processed so many emotions that had been stuck inside me. I acknowledged them, felt them, and then let them leave my body. Sometimes they would resurface, sometimes not. If they resurfaced, it meant I didn’t get it all out the first time, and this is okay! Little by little, my depression began to lift. Sometimes it was three steps forward, two steps back. This is part of the process. The habit of repressing your feelings(your truth), is not always simple to change, especially if you have been doing it most of your life. So, the important thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself throughout the process. Even if the voice inside your head is self-hate, keep telling yourself, “I AM LOVE”. Even if that doesn’t feel true YET, keep saying it.

it is simply impossible for your “world” to be the same as it was before you started your journey

Once I started feeling better, I made the assumption that the relationships in my life would stay the same! I know, right? How could that be possible? Unless everyone in your life is also working on their own inner life, and growing along with you, it is simply impossible for your “world” to be the same as it was before you started your journey. So, this is where I had to learn about the capabilities of others. I couldn’t assume that because I was growing and changing, everyone else in my life would as well. This is very far from the truth. I had to learn to accept the fact that we are all on different growth time lines and paths. Our journeys all look different. Even when we end up in the same place, the journey to get there looks very different. Honestly, acknowledging the truth that some people in my life are not always capable(and I don’t mean this in a bad way, it is just where they are) of accepting where I am on my path was a difficult process for me. It was difficult to accept the fact that they are not capable of being emotionally available in a way I need them to be. For the most part, I have accepted this, and I find other ways to fulfill my needs. There are still times when I wish for things to be different. But things are as they are, and that is the truth in this moment. Accepting this truth has not been easy. If we continue to wish for someone to change, we prolong our own suffering. We are fighting against *what is*. I learned to accept what is true in each moment by allowing myself to feel my feelings about that truth. I had to feel the sadness and the disappointment of the truth that some people in my life are not capable right now to give me what I need. I had to feel the anger and the resentment of the truth that they are not able to see who I really am. I also had to let these people know how I was feeling about this fact. Once I was able to feel my truth, and say my truth I was able to get to the place of accepting what is true in this moment.

This is a short video (1:47)  talking about how we all share the same open secret:

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Posted in Connection, Depression, healing from depression, Help with depression, Self-love | No Comments »
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