A nurturing presence filled with self-love

Written by Amie on November 6, 2009 – 2:02 am -

The inner bitch

During my meditation the other day, I suddenly started sobbing. It felt cleansing. I felt all sorts of emotions and I received many messages. All of the messages had to do with giving myself more slack, being easier on myself, nurturing myself with compassion. As I sat there sobbing, a message came to me loud and clear. It was this, “it really is way past time to be nice to yourself. Do not allow your inner voice to harm you anymore. Those voices have been in there way past their stay. They were never true to begin with, and you are still allowing them to beat you up. No longer allow them in. They have no purpose except to hurt you.”  Many weeks, and sometimes months go by without me allowing the negative voices in. Then I have a week or two of hearing them again. Well, after this meditation, I decided to be more aggressive at not allowing them in. I decided to call the negative inner voice, “that judgmental inner bitch”. That made me smile! I know I talk a lot about the negative stories in my head, but this felt like taking it even one step further. I gave her a name. If you are a guy reading this, you can think of a name that you would call someone who is a real jerk.

Less chatter

Since thinking of this name, I have been able to pick up on those subtle name calling sessions that go on in my head once in awhile. I say to myself, sorry inner bitch, you are not allowed in anymore”. It works. As soon as I think the words inner bitch or judgmental bitch, my thought stops. It is like I am holding my arm out stopping someone from getting any closer to me. I love it! If I catch a mean thought, I can say, oh, it is that inner bitch again, and I tell her to get out. I notice less chatter going on since calling the inner bitch on the carpet. We’ll see. Let me know if you try it, I would love to know how it works for others!

The act of nurturing

There was a second part to this meditation. After kicking out the “inner bitch”, another message came to me in the form of picture. It showed me a picture of a time when I felt really nurtured. It was right after my brother died. I was in my therapist’s office. My therapist lit a candle, and had me lay down on the couch. (how cliche’, I know!) She sang songs to me while I cried. She also held me while I cried. I wasn’t able to speak, so she was just there for me. It felt so good. So, from this picture in my mind came another idea that I felt I needed to act on. I decided that I will latch on to this nurturing thought to replace the “inner bitch” thoughts. Not only will I kick the “inner bitch” out, but I will invite in the “nurturing presence”. It  feels so good when I remember exactly how it felt when I was being nurtured. I want to say this also. If you are not able to think of a time when you felt nurtured, that is ok. You can picture exactly what you would want it to look and feel like when you are nurtured. We are all being nurtured by Universal Energy (you can call it whatever feels right to you), we just have to tap into it. I also want to say that my meditations are not always like this! I don’t want anyone to think that they “should be” like this, and then feel bad if they aren’t. All meditation is “right” and “good” because it is you taking time to be in the quiet, listening, and just being with it. Sometimes I get insight, and other times I don’t.

No more allowing hurtful voices

I guess this is just another layer of healing. It feels really good to be giving myself some more slack. I know in my heart that there is no reason to allow anyone, especially myself,  to say hurtful things to me. It is one of those things that is tricky to pick up on sometimes, especially if it has been a habit for a long period of time. If you have been suffering from depression for awhile, chances are good that there is self-hate talk going on. If we keep allowing this, depression can’t get better. We must become aware of what we are saying to ourselves. We all deserve compassion and kindness, period. We all must question that “inner bitch”, or that “inner jerk”. Why should they be allowed to beat on us? Kick them out! Allow a nurturing presence to be with you. No matter what it is that we are beating ourselves up about; body image, worrying about what we said to someone might have been weird or dumb, worrying about what someone thinks of you….the list goes on. No matter what it is, ALL mean things being said inside you are the “inner bitch or jerk”. You were not born with them, and they do not belong with you. We have the power to kick them out, we get to decide what stays in there.

We are all connected and have access to loving messages

We all have the same loving, compassion, empowering messages coursing through us. We all have access to them. It takes work sometimes to wade through the internal nonsense to get to a place a self-love. If the “station” so to speak has been tuned out for awhile, it may take some time to find the right frequency. But, I know for sure that it is there whenever I am ready to listen. But, first, I must kick out the mean, nasty, inner bitch. Sorry I am saying that word so much, but it feels empowering! It is fun to give her the boot! We are connected, which means we are all connected to this source of loving energy that flows through us. It feels good to know I am never alone, I always have a nurturing presence available to me, and I am capable of getting rid of the untruths told by the , you guessed it, “inner bitch”! I came to the conclusion that if I am able to latch on to the negative voices, and allow them to play over and over in my mind, then I am equally capable of latching on to the loving, nurturing ones. I know which one I am choosing. Get out inner bitch, there is no room for you here anymore!

 

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Daily Meditation

Written by Amie on November 15, 2008 – 1:07 am -

Meditation has always been a mystery to me. I never really understood when people would talk about it. I kept thinking there was some special formula, or something I had to do in order for it to be “right”. Well, now that I have been experimenting with it for awhile, I get it. There is nothing special to do. I sit daily, and I focus on my breath entering and leaving my body. If a thought comes in, I acknowledge it. i say to myself, a thought, then I let it go, I don’t follow it. For example, if I think that I need to go to the grocery, instead of “following it”, by continuing on with the things I need to get at the store, or what time I will go, or that I really need to find a new recipe for dinner next week, I simply see the actual thought, and then I go back to focusing on my breath. I also don’t try to make the thoughts go away. You know the old saying, what you resist will persist? Well, this is exactly what happens. Your thoughts will come flooding in if you try to make them go away. I just try to view them as a visitor, I say, oh, a thought, hello, I will see you later. This usually works, but not always. Sometimes it will come back, and I say hello to it again. Just acknowledge,  don’t get sucked in. Soon, your mind will be quiet (or not!), and you will feel a flood of peace.

The most important part of meditation is not judging yourself or your thoughts. It isn’t a big deal if today your mind just doesn’t want to quiet down. Tomorrow is another day, and maybe it will be a different experience. I just kept trying and trying, and finally I feel the peace that everyone talks about. But, I also learned that there is no perfect place to end up. You end up exactly where you are supposed to end up. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, and that is “right” for you.

Another very important thing to remember is to have a space that you hold sacred. For me, I have an altar set up in a guest bedroom. I have candles and other things that make me feel nurtured. You really don’t need a large space either. The important thing is that you feel safe and nurtured in this space. Make it feel like your own.

I have also recently added a healing Mantra to my meditation. There are many in this book that I use, and I picked the one that I felt I needed right now. I have been practicing it for over a month now. The book says to do it for 40 days. I will let you know what happens after that! I can say that my meditation is so much deeper and peaceful since I started this. Also, I have realized many things that I would like to do in my life that I never really put into words before doing this exercise. It has been a very positive experience so far. I highly recommend the book Healing Mantras. Please see it listed under Books That Have Helped Me, under My Journey.

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