Who am I? The truth

Written by Amie on March 22, 2012 – 2:32 am -

I will believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is

“I will believe the truth about myself, no matter how beautiful it is.” This is a song/chant I learned the other day. How does it make you feel when you read it? Was your first thought something along the lines of, “I can’t call myself beautiful, that sounds arrogant”…..  The first part of the chant sounds believable, right? Then you get to the second part, and the negative thoughts come? I love the way these words make me really question where my thoughts are in the moment, and how I am feeling about myself. Something happens when I say these words and I am forced to really think about what they mean to me. Depending on how I am feeling, the words elicit different feelings for me. The first time I heard this song, I was in a really great place emotionally, so I was able to take it in and feel the truth in my body. The words are true for each and every one of us, without question. Sometimes we just forget this truth. Did you know you were born beautiful on every level?

being depressed does not mean you are sick

The truth is, you are beautiful. You were born with a purpose. Your job is to discover that purpose. This is what I am working on right now. I believe I know my purpose. Now I am growing into the space of knowing how to utilize my purpose for the greater good. Once I came to the place of discovering who I am and discovering my purpose, other parts of my life became more clear. Before I finish that thought, I want to be clear on what I am saying here. I most definitely do not have “the answer”. I don’t believe anybody does. I also don’t believe we ever stop evolving and changing. So, just because I am no longer depressed, does not mean I have “the answer”.  Depression isn’t something we have to be “healed” from because being depressed does not mean you are sick, or that there is something terribly wrong with you. I need to keep saying that because the point I truly hope you take away from this is that there is nothing wrong with you if you are feeling depressed. Depression is a gift that will allow you to remember the truth of who you really are, IF you keep coming back to your truth and allowing that truth to speak.

 You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, and there is not “one answer”

Okay, now I can move on to the rest of my thoughts here. The part of my life that became more clear was the part that showed me that my job in this life is not to “fix myself”. I was not broken, and neither are you. I promise you. Your job is not to “fix” yourself, as you are not broken. Your job is not to find that one answer that will finally bring happiness to your life. Your job is not to finally figure out “what is wrong with you”, so that your depression will go away. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, and there is not “an answer”. But, don’t listen to me, listen to you. You *do* have all of the answers inside you right now. You really do. Because, guess what? You can believe the truth about yourself, no matter how beautiful it is. Because, the truth *is* so very beautiful!!! You are one part of the whole, and something is missing when you don’t show up as yourself. The good news is that “the whole” is very patient. It will keep nudging you until you remember the truth of who you really are. And, when you are ready, you will *feel* your beauty, and you will know, without a doubt, that yes, you are beautiful.

I *knew* something was wrong with me

When I was in a deep depression, I *knew* without a doubt that there was something flawed about me (or so I “thought”). I knew something was wrong with me  (or so I “thought”). I know now that these are both thoughts, not truths. These are thoughts about myself that I bought into without even knowing I was buying into them. They seeped into my being from outside sources and experiences. Now I know, *without a doubt* that even in my deepest darkest “depression”, there was nothing wrong with me, and I was most definitely not flawed. I know this for sure. The reason I was depressed was because my truth was hidden from me. All of the thoughts and conditioning I received were covering my truth. I was buying into (unknowingly) the lies about myself and I didn’t know to question these thoughts. The truth is that I am one part of the whole, I am perfect as I am, and I am beautiful.  And, I am not arrogant for saying that. The thoughts, beliefs, and conditioning I received have nothing to do with who I really am.  I find it so sad that we have been taught to tone ourselves down, or dim our light, so to speak. To show our true selves does not make us arrogant! Showing our true selves makes us who we really are…exactly what the world needs….for everyone to show their true beauty and strength.

Whenever I hide a part of who I am, I am short changing everyone, especially myself

I learned to stop searching for an answer that doesn’t exist. Instead, I learned to speak my truth as often as possible, and to process my feelings as they arise. Of course, this doesn’t mean saying every single thing that comes to mind! I just mean that I want speaking my truth to be the norm, even if those around me don’t particularly like it. My journey unfolds exactly as it is supposed to as long as I am willing to stay with the truth of each moment. This may not always be possible, so I don’t want to give the impression that I think I stay in the moment every single moment of my life. I’m sure I don’t, but I do know that I am now aware of when I stay in the moment and when I leave it (sometimes after the fact I realize I chose to leave the moment). I am a work in progress, and always will be. Whenever I hide a part of who I am, I am short changing everyone, especially myself.

the depression I experienced was a long term, chronic feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness

When I thought I was “healing my depression”, what I was really doing was remembering my true self. So, this is what I mean when I say there is nothing wrong with you if you are feeling depressed. The word depressed is just a word used to describe the feeling we feel when our soul is screaming out in pain. Our soul is screaming to us that we are not living an authentic life. We are hiding our truth, and we are believing the thoughts and conditioning we received verbally and non-verbally over the years. (Just to clarify, there are other circumstances for depression, usually termed “situational depression”, but I am talking about chronic depression that doesn’t seem to have a “cause”). I am talking about when you feel as though your life doesn’t matter, and it is almost too painful to want to continue hanging out here. Again, this can be a feeling one has, due to the death of a loved one, a painful break up etc. The depression I have experience with was a long term, chronic feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. Years of this. I just want to clarify. I know and feel the truth of who I am.  I know that there was not something inherently wrong with me. And I know there is not something inherently wrong with you. I think depression is your incredibly intelligent body and soul telling you that you are beautiful, and that it is time for you to remember this.

Stop looking everywhere else, and focus on what you feel 

 I am hoping this will encourage you to stop the search for the magic answer because it truly doesn’t exist. The magic answer I can give you is that your life in unfolding exactly as it should be. I can tell you that if you are willing to dig around inside yourself, and feel the truth(not the lies and dysfunction you have been conditioned with) , you are on your way to remembering the truth of who you are. I am saying you are not broken, so you don’t need to be fixed. If you allow yourself to FEEL all of your truth as it presents itself to you, you will begin seeing and remembering your beautiful self. Depression is a wake up call, and if you listen to it and you are gentle with yourself, you will be rewarded with looking in the mirror and seeing the most beautiful person you have ever seen! You will see the best version of yourself you have ever seen! I am not talking about physically. I am talking about the whole package; physical, emotional, and spiritual. Inner that matches the outer. Whole. You will be back to the perfection you were born with. This is what every single person deserves. Stop looking everywhere else, and focus on what you feel inside. I am not saying this work is easy, because the truth is not always easy. It will be painful at times. But it is so worth it.

“There are no extra pieces in the universe. Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.”—Deepak Chopra

 

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Depression,loneliness,authenticity,and vulnerability

Written by Amie on February 19, 2012 – 3:53 pm -

naming the feeling of loneliness

I received an e-mail yesterday from someone asking me about loneliness. She told me she feels lonely even when she is surrounded by people who care about her. I told her I can totally relate to the feeling, and I also told her what a gift it is that she recognizes this part of herself. I remember so many times that I felt this way. It took me a very long time to figure out what was really behind the feeling of loneliness. Honestly, I didn’t know it was loneliness I was feeling. I knew the feeling felt really big inside me, but I wasn’t sure how to name it. At that time in my life, I had the habit of turning these feelings against myself. In other words, I had this big feeling inside me that I bundled all together with all of the “bad” feelings I was having, and called it depression.  I would tell myself there must be something *wrong with me* for feeling bad even when I had people in my life who loved me. How could I be around people who say they care about me and still feel depressed? The answer eluded me for quite awhile. Maybe the real situation was that I didn’t want to acknowledge my truth. If I were to actually name this feeling I was having (loneliness), I believed I would then have to act on it right away.  That isn’t true. The first step is always to acknowledge the feeling, and then allow yourself to feel it. Once you allow yourself to feel your emotions, a part of you will open up to new possibilities, and action will follow if that is what needs to happen.

I was dying inside, I felt so empty

It took me awhile to figure out, or acknowledge that I truly was feeling lonely. It also took me awhile to see the patterns I had set up in my life to support this loneliness. I am not being judgmental here, just stating what is true. Somewhere along the path in my life I learned that I needed to protect my sensitive spirit from people who had the potential to hurt me. When our true selves are not nurtured and supported starting from a young age, we learn other ways to be in the world as a way of protecting ourselves. I thought if I could keep myself from being vulnerable with another person, I was protecting  myself. I only allowed myself to go to a certain level of connection with people, and then I would put up my walls of protection. Nobody could get past those walls. It appeared as though I was sharing myself with others, but I wasn’t. Not by a long shot. I appeared strong and I appeared as though I had it all together. But I didn’t. I was dying inside. I felt so empty.

it has taken me almost 6 years to get to where I am today

With the help of a therapist, I finally came to see how lonely I was really feeling. I found a therapist who (after going through many therapists that I could never open up to) I felt safe with. It took awhile, but she was finally able to help me make a crack in my wall of protection. It was a slow, often painful process. My mind was like a steel trap. It did not want to budge. It has taken me almost 6 years to get to where I am today. That seems like a long time when there are promises out there telling us you can pop a pill to get relief without having to do the work of looking inside yourself. (I am not saying medication should never be taken, I tried that route myself) However, to put things into perspective, I remind myself that it took me much longer than 6 years to get to the breaking point of depression, so I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight. I had to rediscover the authentic person behind the wall of protection, and that takes work.

most people feel lonely because it is not “small talk” they are really wanting and needing

And…back to the issue of loneliness….I can see now that people who have a wall up around them are most likely feeling lonely most of the time. Most people feel lonely because it is not “small talk” they are really wanting and needing. Most of us settle for this because it is the norm. But on a deeper level, we want to feel connected to each other, we want to know what is really alive in the person we are talking with. We want to feel authenticity with each other. It is so sad that most people have been trained to ignore the real stuff, and go straight to the small talk. My first real connection with someone was my therapist. I know that may sound weird, but I don’t care! lol She was coming from a conscious healthy place, and I felt it.  I felt her authenticity, and I wanted more. From there I met a wonderful friend (at a book store!) who is so authentic with me. At first, it was scary because I didn’t trust that she could be real. I didn’t trust that she wouldn’t hurt me. But I hung in there, and I now call her my soul sister. I am also a part of a women’s spiritual growth group with like minded conscious women who are also seeking authenticity and truth. Another person who I relate to on a soul level is a friend I met years ago at a health food store! She is someone that I know connects with me at a very deep and authentic level.

the more I love myself, the more I bring people into my life that will mirror that love back to me

I feel so grateful for all of the people in my life right now who are real with me. I notice that the more I love myself, the more I bring people into my life that will mirror that love back to me. My kids have done this for me since the day they were born. Talk about authentic! To this day, they call me out on my old patterns. So, I guess what I am trying to say here is that if you are feeling depressed, ask yourself if you are lonely. Be as honest as you can be with yourself. Just admitting it but not putting pressure on yourself to do anything about it will help. Just allow yourself to feel the truth of what is there in your body. I would say to myself, “I am feeling really lonely right now”. Then I would tune in to what my body was feeling in that moment. Tightness in my stomach, almost always. Just stay with the feelings in your body. You don’t have to solve anything….just feel…..

 it’s time to fall in love..with yourself

The more you allow yourself to feel what is true for you, the more you will begin to crack open your wall of protection. What I am also saying here is that if you don’t have at least one person in your life you can be 100% real with, it is time to find one. Finding one will lead to finding another. I promise you there are people out there wanting the same thing you do. Authenticity. Vulnerability is a part of the process. People who are willing to be vulnerable, willing to show their human side, will attract others who want the same thing. People are lonely because they are guarded. We shut down our truth; our human side. The act of pretending to be happy, the act of going through the motions of being human, doesn’t cut it for very long. Many people are okay with living their lives like this. I am not one of those people anymore. If I would have continued down the pretending path for much longer, I most likely wouldn’t be here today. That is the truth. I need to be real, I need to be who I was born to be, I need people in my life who are willing to be real with me. I refuse to pretend. One more thing….actually a very important point…..once you start truly loving yourself unconditionally, you won’t feel lonely anymore. When you love yourself, you will stop looking for someone else to make you feel any certain way. Nobody can ever make you feel unconditional love for yourself. You need your love in order to be happy. You can start loving yourself right this minute by asking yourself what you honestly need right now. Being honest about it will start your path to self-love. We all crave authenticity and love and deep connection….so you really can’t truly feel these things unless you are madly in love with yourself!!! So, maybe it’s time to fall in love..with yourself! xo

And in the spirit of love….I have to put this song in here yet again…I just love it so much! 🙂

 

 

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